GHOUL STORY BRO

5 Tiny Scary Stories Involving a Dumbass

Read them if you dare!

Seven Days

I woke up in the middle of the night to find a little ghost girl at the foot of my bed. “Holy shit! A ghost!” I cried. She handed me a notebook, whispered “seven days,” and vanished.

I figured she was predicting my death, so I immediately jumped out the window to die on my own terms.

The ghost girl reappeared one week later and addressed my grieving husband. “Where’s Kristen? It’s her turn at Tic-Tac-Toe.”

The Cellar

I woke up in a cold, dank basement with my hands tied behind my back. I heard footsteps on the stairs and saw a large man in a ski mask. He shook his head ominously and told me I shouldn’t have gotten into his van. “So when do I get my candy?” I asked. That’s when the punching started.

The Review

When I arrived in hell, a demon offered to show me a review of my life. I asked him how long it was. He looked a little offended, but then he said “an hour and 55 minutes.” I told him that sounds “long as shit” and asked him to break it into a few episodes. Bad move. He ended up whipping me for an hour and 55 minutes.

The Curse

The old man handed me the monkey’s paw. He began to tell me the rules but I waved him off. “If I can operate an SUV, I can operate a god damn monkey’s paw,” I said.

In a brilliant move, I wished for a million more monkeys’ paws. Well, maybe it wasn’t so brilliant. Now my garage is full of monkeys’ paws and I have nowhere to park my SUV.

Pizza of Doom

The pain in my neck was so sharp I cried in agony.

“You’re a vampire now! Remember, no sunlight or garlic,” the pale creature hissed. “Yeah, Yeah, I got it,” I muttered.

I stumbled out of the castle and into Tony’s Pizza Shop. “We’ve got a special tonight — unlimited toppings!” Tony said. “Fuck it. Give me all of them,” I said as I scooted into a booth.

Tony brought me the hot slice. I took one bite and realized my grave error…

Garlic!

As panic set in, I saw Tony’s eyes widen. “Hey! I see you turning into dust, you betta pay me real quick!” he hollered.

My feet began to disintegrate. Before my hands completely crumbled, I pretended to check my pockets. “Looks like it’s free for meeeeeee,” I replied, seconds before my head fell off.

Tony grabbed a broom and stood over my ashes. “God damn vampires,” he groaned. “Unlimited toppings? More like unlimited headaches!”

The style of these little stories was inspired by Jack Handey, one of my favorite comedy writers. You can find some of his in this book.