Life Lessons/Self-improvement/Self
5 Tiny Issues That Broke My Seven-Year Marriage & What You Can Learn From My Experience
Do not let them break yours.
Zella’s story
My life is a roller coaster, and today my bottom is down. I divorced a few years ago.
I didn’t dare talk about these five things, but they destroyed my relationship. I am so happy we didn’t have children.
My ex and I attended the same high school in Hapeville, MS. It was a genuine relationship we carried on to college. We were matched and soulmates until we married in a small ceremony after dating for many years.
Things would get better one day and bad the next day. It seemed there was no light in our home or our life. Truth be told, I was in denial and hoped things would work out without work.
A few months after we got married, it dawned on me that my partner was not as responsive as he had been before, but I dismissed it as a “bad day” and hoped things would improve. I remember our first marriage anniversary when he planned nothing, only watching TV until 2:13 am. I remember when I didn’t sleep and waited for him to join me in the bedroom.
As days, weeks, months, and years went by, he became uninterested in companionship and had a lousy attitude toward life in general.
I have been divorced for two years now, and more has happened than the last seven years spent with my ex.
After the first anniversary night, things were not the same for four years; these five things destroyed my marriage, and I hope you learn from my experience.
I. Personal growth
As healthy human beings, we continue to grow daily and weekly. As a result, many people learn and unlearn things their parents did or didn’t teach them.
In short, I have improved and changed my lifestyle since I left my parents’ home and hometown.
I discontinued some of my family norms and values that are not working for me in today’s world.
All these changes I was making in my life made me better. But I didn’t realize my spouse was uncomfortable with some changes, such as losing 24 pounds, saving more money, leaving behind toxic friends, etc. So instead, he became miserable and asked for a divorce.
Too often, he had said, “You were not like this when we met.”
Do you hear the above phase from your spouse, friends, or family member?
Know this.
I was honest with my partner and recognized that he had a fixed mindset, so I chose a growth mindset and accepted a divorce.
Lessons
Personal growth is a small thing that can break or improve a relationship. When I grew from how my partner knew me, he left. Your partner can be happy for your self-improvement or leave you.
Here is how,
One couple makes more money, takes classes to improve their skills, share household responsibilities, drops toxic culture, and learns how to stand up for themselves.
2. Social media/reality
I spent time on Facebook comparing myself with trophy wives. Disgusting!
Do you remember that woman who posted her family vacation photos on Facebook, and her husband killed her the next day?
Yes, keeping up with the Jones can make many couples live above their means and focus on fantasy life rather than reality.
For example, middle-income couples with three kids cannot live like their favorite celebrity on social media.
Who is your favorite celebrity, and why?
Know this.
I chose privacy.
I unfollowed our high school and college friends to focus on me and my work. I didn’t discuss never-ending vacations or promotions with my friends, colleagues, and relatives on Facebook.
Lessons
Comparison can break any relationship.
Stay away from celebrity family photos on social media. You don’t know what happens when they close their front door.
Don’t post sensitive family photos on social media.
3. Is marriage an overrated title or a lack of companionship?
Marriage can be anything you want.
After my first anniversary, I only held on to the marriage title and had little companionship.
A beautiful marriage is a companionship, such as commitment to someone or something. It’s not co-habiting with another person you don’t even know or who has nothing to offer you.
Can you share your fear with the person you married? What about your aspirations?
Know this.
I worked on myself and my communication skills. I remind myself daily that wise people learn and unlearn many things in their lifetime.
Learn to express your feelings and be your true self. I tried to answer thought-provoking questions. Why do people get married? Are couples in love or committed to each other? Is marriage for title, culture, or age? Have you learned or unlearned anything from your partner over the last year?
Lessons
Lack of companionship broke my marriage.
Companionship is the number one reason for a beautiful marriage. It works because you and your partner continue to have something to talk about and have places to visit together.
You must work on yourself and be your true self in intimate relationships.
4. Wrong mindset
Are you a savior, an ATM, or a maid or caretaker to your partner? Did you make plans for your marriage?
I entered mine with the wrong mindset — the caretaker.
The wrong mindset breaks relationships as fast as you open and close your eyes. So stop lying about your marriage or showing it off on Facebook.
At a wedding I attended last summer, I observed that all cell phones were shut off and stored in a safe under lock and key. The wedding was well planned with every t crossed and i dotted.
Unfortunately, planning a wedding takes more time, energy, and money, and people rarely prepare for marriage.
Listen.
People spend thousands of dollars or millions of Naira on weddings and complain bitterly about spending a few hundred dollars on pre-marriage counseling.
You see.
The wrong mindset of an unplanned marriage breaks marriages. It broke mine because I didn’t get help from experienced couples, divorcees, divorce attorneys, or marriage counselors.
What about you?
Know this.
First, I’m honest with myself and accept my mistakes in that failed marriage.
Redefine your expectation in a relationship. For example, why do you want to get married?
Lessons
Get to know yourself. Define your expectations for yourself and your partner
5. Listening to others too much
What do people want for themselves? Have an open mind, own your opinion and why, listen to others, and know why. This is the most critical skill in any relationship. Thinking for oneself allows them to get to know their partner or people they work or do business with.
Seek suggestions from people, but your decision must be on what works for you.
When people base their decisions on what works for others, their relationship will likely break after a few years.
My ex and I often made a decision based on our high school Facebook group.
Unpaid advisers, including mothers and best friends, often have an agenda in many marriages. Choose not to live by others’ opinions but by what works for you.
How often do you seek advice from unpaid advisers?
Know this.
Simple self-serving advice you take from unpaid advice can break your marriage.
Have your opinion on things that matter to you. Understand why a set of beliefs affect you positively or negatively. Be honest with yourself and be you.
Lessons
Do not live by others’ opinions but by what works for you and your partner. Everything is in front of you after mistakes or failures. Have self-belief, hope, and faith.
What was the lesson of your divorce? How do you use that lesson to live a better life today? How is your relationship with yourself and your ex? Join the conversation below.