5 Things to Radically Let Go

Post-trauma

It’s the end of July. Summer will end in a few weeks and soon, we’ll transition from hot girl summer to basic bitch fall trends.

Wait. What?

I’m scratching my head. Somehow it feels like it’s still March 2020 but also like the Capitol riots were only a week ago. And then, somehow it feels like the beginning of quarantine was ages ago.

That’s the thing about traumatic experiences though. It skews our perception of time. Only now are many of us beginning to feel the physiological effects of 2020’s trauma.

Let me explain what I mean.

Trauma keeps our bodies and our brains in a heightened state. Anticipating threats and stress so that the appropriate responses can be sent. Adrenaline, cortisol, etc. During ongoing trauma, the “fight or flight” system is constantly active. Once the trauma subsides, we relax.

Only then do we become aware of the damage. Fatigue, weight gain or loss, insomnia, or sleeping too much. Once this happens, it can seem as if time has stood still. Our brains were so busy adapting and protecting that we couldn’t process time or events in a chronological manner.

Two-sided Trauma

The flip side of trauma is that it forces reprioritization. Sometimes referred to as post-traumatic growth. Personally, I don’t think it’s the same, but they are closely related.

That said, pandemic trauma was different for everyone. Some suffered more than others. Some flourished. And some of us, merely survived, as best we could. But no one has the right to police your trauma or how you experienced it.

In the aftermath, the flip-side of it, here are 5 things to radically let go of.

Expectations

Societal, familial. Work- or religion-related. Let them go.

If the pandemic proved nothing else, it’s that we are capable of adapting to so many different things. Things we never thought of doing before, we did them. Ways of surviving we never considered, worked.

In light of that, what’s the point of catering your existence to the expectations of others?

Judgment

On the heels of letting go of expectations is this. For too many generations, too many of us have lived our lives according to the fear of judgment. What will so and so think if I do or don’t do (fill in the blank).

The thing is, others will find literally any reason, founded or unfounded to pass judgment.

The weight of judgment holds us down and holds us back. Let it go.

Shame

Admittedly, this is my most toxic trait. A lot of us struggle with shame — courtesy of childhood trauma. And if you’re a millennial like me, I don’t need to type out the reasons why our lives have been defined by “once in a lifetime” events.

But shame is an inside job. Meaning only you can shame yourself about past behaviors or the like.

From a psychological definition, shame happens when we go against the norms we believe in. Again with the expectations thing huh?

Let it go. You did what you did, 5, 10 years ago. No amount of shame can change the past and no amount of anxiety will change future outcomes. How long are you willing to punish yourself for situations you cannot change?

Acceptance

To be clear, whoever you are as an individual should be accepted by those closest to you. Barring bigotry, hatred, violence — you know, the big nasties.

But outside of that, the simple truth is not everyone will like you. Not everyone will accept you, even when they should. And again, people will pass judgment no matter what.

So stop trying to force everyone to accept who you are. All your quirks and unique gifts are to be valued. Don’t try to change, stifle, or silence them because you’re seeking acceptance from the wrong crowd. Don’t give away the gift of yourself to folks who will take you for granted.

In short, let this one go. You don’t like everyone. Stop expecting everyone to like you.

This one was a big one for me before. I always felt like I was too much. My opinions to radical, too brash. My sense of humor, too dark. The truth is, I wasn’t too much. The folks I was seeking acceptance from were too little.

Perfection

If the pandemic taught you nothing else it should be that perfection is a fallacy. A true falsehood. A construct of society, made up to force us all to go along with whatever.

Perfection chasing is quite literally a waste of time. Often we get so caught up in the monotony of perfectionism that we fail to take in what’s happening around us. We miss the lessons, the happy moments, the laughable moments.

Let it go, once and for all.

And for added effect here, get rid of social media like Facebook. See how quickly your self-image improves when you’re no longer taking in the curated falseness of your “friends”.

These are my 5 things

The pandemic compounded an already complicated time for me. Tragedy and a lifetime of repressed trauma plus quarantine meant that I had little else to do except sit in all the muck. The heavy emotions and other gross things that come with true healing.

I muddled through each one of these things. Shame, judgment, acceptance, perfectionism. Validation seeking, too.

In the end, none of it mattered. Absolutely none of it. No nights spent drunk on cheap wine, writhing in shame changed the outcome of past mistakes. No forward (or backward) steps or social media posts changed others' judgment and lack of acceptance. Nothing I did in the past or present perfectly made any difference at all.

And guess what else? I can’t get any of that time back. Any of the time I spent hating or shaming myself. Any of the time I wasted trying to get others to accept me or any of the time I spent lamenting about how to be perfect.

So I let them all go.

And I hope you can too.