5 Things That Only Freelancers Will Laugh At

A freelancer’s diary.

#1. Trying to answer the question: “So, what do you do?”

It was so easy before. When I had a J-O-B.

Can’t we talk about something else? Talk about a bo-ring question.

Suppose I have to answer you with something.

My left eye narrows, my nose scrunches up.

Ummm…

I’m a financial analyst?

I’m a writer?

I’m a small business owner?

I was on a podcast once?

I work for myself?

I wrote the first draft of a book?

What the hell do you want to hear?

If I keep talking perhaps you’ll somehow be impressed.

It never gets easier….

#2. Surviving the drought and the flood like a pro.

Today: Deftly switching between 24 google docs and 31 excel files, swimming in numbers until the small hours. Brain hurts.

The next day: “Oh hey Portia, sure I can go for a 3 hour lunch break with you today.” My schedule is as free as a bird. Ah, freelancing is great.

The next next day: “Hey Bob, could you just hold on a sec? Got someone on the other line. Will call you again in 5.” Wipe sweat off brow. Add call Bob to bottom of 2-page to-do list.

The next next next day: Got all my things done yesterday like a BOSS. I’m freeeeee.

The next next next next day: Yikes, no work in the pipeline! Gotta get on that! Phone rings. “Hey Tessa, want this new project? Needs to be done ASAP. Like TODAY. Or even better, yesterday.” A silent groan. “Why yes, of course. I would love to.”

The extreme weather cycle continues.

#3. Uttering the phrase “Hey, I could make money selling this!” at literally everything.

That’s a really good picture, maybe I could sell it?

Man, this bread turned out so good. I’m going to open a bakery and sell it.

I think I want to start a writing course/agency/platform.

My cat is going wild over this new toy I made. It’s just a hoodie string and a crinkle ball. I bet a bunch of people would buy this.

Hey did you ever think about selling your knitting?

What a cool little doodle. I should create a series of graphic images and sell them.

I want to write an eBook on writing eBooks.

I should coach. I should definitely, definitely coach.

I’m going to make money by telling people how they can make money.

#4. Realizing ‘free’-lancer is the worst descriptive term.

I am not ‘free’ all the time. My work is not ‘free’. No, you cannot call me during my ‘free’ time. I am not ‘free’ for you 24/7. I do not have a ‘free’ moment to discuss.

Take out the ‘r’ and you will realize you are left with a ‘fee’.

I’m a ‘fee’-lancer.

#5. Absolutely hating, HATING, finding out last minute that a call you thought was by phone is actually a video call.

Oh, you want a video call?

No prob.

BRB

Find presentable clothes, stat.

No, not that one, there’s a stain on the collar.

This one will do, neutral tone, collar. Ugh but it stinks so bad. Doesn’t matter, smell doesn’t go through video.

Hair — crap.

When is a messy bun too messy?

Hairbrush, my friend. We meet again.

A few hair grips here and there, that’ll do. Those whispy bits will never show at 320x240 resolution.

Ready.