5 Things That Help You Cope with Immense Grief

Loss is never easy, and it’s something I’m well-acquainted with. These tips are the ones I regularly use to make things better.

It’s been about a year since my husband’s childhood pet, Spanky, had died. Spanky was the best dog ever, and acted as my husband’s sidekick for much of his life. When he had no one, he still had Spanky.

When Spanky died, I was asleep and my husband was in our kitchen, far away from him. By the time I woke up and heard the news, I realized my husband was going to go through a lot of grief.

For about a year, he buried his emotions.

I was fairly shocked to find out that he was still grieving the loss in his own way. Like many people, he, too, feels lost on how to process everything. Sadly, grief is kind of my most common issue.

Realizing that grief has such an impact, I felt like it is best to honor Spanky by offering tips on how to handle it.

First, let the feelings come when they may.

The first thing I want to say about grief is that everyone processes it very differently. There is such a thing as a delayed reaction with grief. In fact, there’s also delayed onset PTSD that one can experience as a result of grief trauma.

My husband only started to grieve his pet after a year. It took me about 10 years before I actually shed a tear about my survival of trafficking and the people I lost from that time in my life.

Just because your grief came later doesn’t mean that it’s any less valid. Let the feelings come when they may, and if you don’t feel like crying, don’t make yourself cry. If you need to, let it out.

Understand that you are the one who defines your loss, not others.

I remember hearing a person tell someone who lost their pet to “just get over it,” claiming it was “just a stupid animal.” Neither me nor the grieving party spoke to that person after that.

No one has a right to tell you how deeply or how lightly to grieve. And sometimes, you need to hear that from someone other than yourself. Allow me to be that person: no one has the right to tell you how to feel.

What may have been a shallow relationship to some may have been much more meaningful to others. What may be a dumb animal to one may have been the best friend of another.

On the opposite end, sometimes a family member who passed just…wasn’t the right person for you. Don’t feel guilty for grieving too much or too little.

Talk to others and reach out for help.

The beautiful thing about people is that they are both the best and worst investments one can make in life. If you recently lost someone or a beloved pet, now is the time for you to call upon people you trust to be your backup.

Go out with friends. Talk to them. Be open about your loss, but remember that they may get tired of hear about it after a month. If you’re feeling very alone and are unsure what to do, go to a local grief support group or therapy group near you.

You do not have to grieve alone. Reach out to other people. They can help. You’re not weak if you ask for help. Quite the opposite, it’s a sign that you’re strong enough to realize it’s okay to ask for help.

Do something the lost person would approve of every day.

I’m trying not to get religious, because I want to be a religion-neutral writer due to the need for inclusivity. Personally, I believe in a life after death and I believe that the dead can visit us and guide us as they see fit.

However, I think we can all believe in giving the lost life in our own ways. What do I mean? Well…

• Every time you do something that person or creature would approve of, you’re lifting them back up to life. This is especially true if you do something specifically in memory of them. Their impact on this world lives on, even if their body didn’t.
• Don’t stop mentioning their name. Let others know what a special being that individual was.
• Remember them. Yes, even the bad sides of them. Remember all of them, because sometimes, realizing they have flaws is what makes it possible to avoid putting them on a pedestal.
• Own the love you had for that person, as well as the grief. This can be done a bunch of different ways. Sometimes, it’s a matter of having a funeral. Other times it could be a scholarship fund (like my dad’s) or even having a commemorative bracelet.

Remember that life goes on and that you still have to live your life.

I’ll be honest. It’s very easy to get lost in grief. There are moments where I stopped functioning because I hurt so hard. And it sucks, because when that happens, you need help and sometimes hitting the pause button for a week is what you need to do.

However hard it may be, you cannot let yourself get stuck in inertia. Your loved one wouldn’t want that for you, and more importantly, you might lose more if you remain in inaction for too long.

You’re still alive. You still have stuff to share with the world, and that means that you still have to do something to keep yourself and the people that need you afloat.

You owe it to yourself to live life for the ones who cannot do that anymore.