PARENTING

5 Things No One Tells You About Becoming a Mom (or Dad)

Even the best baby books leave this stuff out!

Parenthood. For many people, it is the realization of a lifelong dream. You are filled with excited anticipation, and likely a healthy dose of fear, as the arrival of your little one nears. You prepare as best you can; reading all of the ‘What To Expect’ parenting books you can get your hands on, talking to friends who have gone before you, and spending time the with babies of friends and family— learning their ways.

With this approach, you will hear about everything from breastfeeding vs. bottle feeding (is your baby fed? Good! That’s all that matters), to sleep schedules and 30 different approaches to sleep training, to swaddling strategies, burping techniques, measuring milestones, and so many more very practical things to know.

However, there is a whole other side to being a parent that the books just don’t cover, and people don’t bring up in conversation.

1. You Will See Things

I started with this one to get it out of the way, because for me, it was the most horrifying. If you can stick with me past this one, you’ll do just fine!

No one could have adequately prepared me for the “mom visions.”

For me, it was seeing my child, face down, beside her crib, in a pool of her own blood. WTF??? But yes, I would have this vision almost daily for the first few months after my daughter was born, in 2007. It would happen right before I would walk into her room to get her from her crib, whether it was the morning, nap time, or a 3am feeding. This tiny little body, in a scene from a horror film, instilled a split second of paralyzing fear, until I opened the door and saw that all was fine.

I have no scientific evidence why this happens. But, I can make an educated guess that our brains attempt to prepare us for the absolute worst, so we are capable of handling the myriad of lesser horrors that will happen to your child. They will trip into the coffee table and split their lip, they will fall from the top level of the jungle gym, they will choke and sputter on a sippy-cup of milk, and you will have to be the level-headed one to keep them calm.

Yay! You made it! I promise, it’s less gory from here on out.

2. You Will Hear Things

This one took me some time to process that it wasn’t real. Moms have, for lack of a better term, a spidey-sense for the well-being of their kids. At least, I thought I did.

In the first few months of your child’s life, your own self care will take a hit. This is all very normal and expected. Your sleep is broken and unpredictable. Days blur into each other. Did I eat today? Or was that yesterday? Your hair has a mind of its own, and all of your clothes are now adorned with spit-up stains.

Unless you have full-time support at home, the day will come when you have to leave the baby to do something. I don’t mean plunking them in the jolly jumper and heading out to the store — I mean taking a shower. You’re not just in the next room, with the baby monitor clipped to your pants. You are behind a closed door with a white noise that blocks everything else out. You can’t hear or see them. And that’s when our sleep-deprived brains start having fun with us.

I would hear screaming. Shrieking, blood curdling, someone-is-murdering-me-in-my-crib-why-won’t-you-save-me-mommy screaming! Jumping out of the shower, dripping shampoo lather all the way down the hall, as I run from the bathroom to the baby’s room, only to find her sound asleep, or softly cooing to herself. This panic, this overwhelming panic that you are responsible for an entire human being, manifests in strange ways…and these phantom screams have happened to many people I know.

3. You Will Smell Things

Perhaps this one is a bit more predictable. Everything has a smell, and as a parent, you become keenly aware of what each smell means.

You will lift your baby up and shove them, tush-first, into your nose and take a giant whiff. Yes. You will. You will do this so often that you will become an expert at deciphering between: just pee, yup — that’s a poop, oh no — she had broccoli today, clear the room — that’s a blowout, and sweet Jesus — call the exorcist!

The tush-sniff is almost always followed by the “let’s just take a little peek in the back here…” to confirm the suspicion.

You will also find yourself hunting for the smell….the always fun game of Where’s Waldo, Odor-Edition. Most of the time it’s you…yup, that’s a little of the poop from the last diaper change on your sleeve, lovely. Or chasing your tail because the smell is always behind you…only to find a white trail running down your back — there are few things on this earth that smell quite like regurgitated formula. Oh yes, from the moment you bring your baby home, your world just smells, um, different.

4. You Will Taste Things

You thought the smells were rank? Wait until you have to put some of those smells onto your tongue! As parents, it’s in our nature to be protective, and that often means sampling something your wee one is about to consume, be it for consistency, temperature, or taste. Sometimes, it’s not too bad. Sometimes it borders on self-abuse.

Have you tasted breastmilk before? It’s one of the least offensive ones you will experience, mild and possibly even a bit sweet. Formula, on the other hand, was likely concocted by Satan himself. Yes, it provides all the nourishment a baby needs, but my god, does it have to taste like that?

But that’s the easy stuff. Just wait until you’re sampling pureed green beans and chicken. Or even better, when the baby realizes how gross it is and spits it back at you, hitting the back of your throat with impeccable precision!

5. You Will Touch Things

What you will touch really depends on you and your baby. But touching, and not the good kind, will happen!

You may find yourself reaching into the toilet to remove whatever item of value your baby just chucked in there. You may find yourself forcibly prying the dog’s chew toy out of the baby’s mouth. You absolutely will pull a stubborn booger out of their nose, more than once.

My story is rather colorful. For my daughter’s third birthday, we did a Purple-icious theme (Purple-icious is an endearing children’s book that she loved). The party was filled with purple juice, blueberries and blackberries, and all topped off with vanilla cake with bright purple icing. As is typical with kids on their birthday, she indulged greatly in her feast and complained of a slight tummy ache as she drifted off to sleep. An hour later came the warning sound…a tiny whimper that went off like a starter’s pistol. I definitely broke the world speed record that day, as I rocketed out of my chair, down the hall, across her room and onto her bed, in time to catch buckets-worth of purple vomit streaming out of her face in my cupped hands. I’ll spare you any further description. I’m actually quite amazed that I caught it all, not a drop got onto her bed, and the disgustingness of the whole scene barely even registered. She was three, I was so immune by this point, nothing could shock me!

Take Away

Are our friends and family, and the authors of baby books wrong for leaving this stuff out? Absolutely not. They often keep these stories to themselves because they don’t want to make you any more scared that you already are. Becoming a parent is filled with uncertainly, they’re simply being kind. Or they’ll laugh sadistically when you go through exactly what they did. Depends on what kind of friends you have.

Definitely consult your friends and read the books. They are a wealth of information on almost everything you need to know. But remember this: there will be things you see, and hear, and smell, and taste, and touch, that as a non-parent, are simply unfathomable. But once you enter parenthood, all bets are off.

Good Luck!!

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