5 Things I Learned While My Son Was Sleeping
Lessons from Trauma ICU
When trauma comes calling — in my case, as the voice of a trauma neurosurgeon on the other end of the line — you are forced to respond. There really is no choice. Trauma is no respecter of schedules, commitments, energy, or strength. It demands an answer. Immediately.
Coping with the trauma, however, is a journey, and regardless the number of miles, there are truths to be learned. Discovering those truths is often an ugly business. One from which I often emerged broken and beaten, yet somehow, stronger.
We are Carried
I remember feeling disconnected from reality in many ways. It was as if my body was present and interacting with the substance of things around me, but some other part, my very self, was suspended above it all. As I pondered this sweetly strange feeling, I gained a new understanding of scriptures I have known for years.
Like an eagle that rouses her chicks and hovers over her young, so he spread his wings to take them up and carried them safely on his pinions. Isaiah 32:11 NLV
I was not disconnected or alone. I was experiencing flight, carried by God Almighty, in the midst of it all. Perhaps this is what it means to be in the eye of the storm.
He is Near
Sitting beside a hospital bed in a dark room illuminated brightly by the lights of life-prolonging machines as medical professionals come in and out focused on assuring the next breath… it is easy to feel alone. Watching your 17-year-old son lie helpless and limp one minute and wracked by violent shaking the next… it is easy to feel abandoned. Catching sleep between the alarms incessantly wailing… it is easy to feel afraid.
And yet, in the depths of loneliness, abandonment, and fear … and I do not pretend I did not wallow there often…the years of knowing Him bore their fruit. As a sheep knows the shepherd’s voice, I recognized His gentle whisper — and heard a sweet song being sung over me.
For the Lord your God is living among you. He is a mighty savior. He will take delight in you with gladness. With his love, he will calm all your fears. He will rejoice over you with joyful songs. Zephaniah 3:17 NLT
When we press into the discomfort and fear and anger — when we acknowledge our hurt and distrust and weakness — we find ourselves held, for He is big enough. And He is near.
In My Weakness, He is Strong
There is no doubt I have never been weaker. Or come closer to the end of myself. If ever I was emptied out — pressed beyond my ability — truly and completely helpless, it was while my son slept. Day after day I was drained of energy — and of hope.
Each day I watched the doctors come in and out leaving behind little to hold on to and leaving me unsteady and spent. And yet, one foot stepped in front of the other, my lungs filled with oxygen each time they blew out carbon dioxide, and I let loose violent and desperate cries for help from the only One who could sustain me. It was His strength in me. Just as He promised so long ago, His mercies are new each morning.
Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. Lamentations 3:22–23
He is Able
It is an interesting phenomenon to stand with one foot on the rock of faith and the other on science. And I found it to be a necessary and awkward balance. Living blind to the realities of our son’s medical condition was not only nearly impossible but utterly foolish. And yet, abandoning faith in the God of miracles was equally out of the question.
So I stood straddling- stretched to the limit, arms flailing for balance. Overextended and torn, I discovered words to express a most relevant truth.
I know that You are ABLE. I am asking that you WILL.
The God that parted the Red Sea, made the blind man see, and raised Christ from the dead was certainly able to rescue my son. To breathe life into him and rewire his brain. To set him on his feet and make him able to climb mountains. But His ways are beyond ours. He can see where we cannot. He has plans we do not understand. And He will be glorified.
The rain and snow come down from the heavens and stay on the ground to water the earth. They cause the grain to grow, producing seed for the farmer and bread for the hungry.It is the same with my word. I send it out, and it always produces fruit. It will accomplish all I want it to, and it will prosper everywhere I send it. Isaiah 55:10–11 NLT
I found comfort in His Sovereignty, knowing I might not receive what I so desperately longed for but rather what He promised. Whether healing comes on earth or beyond — and it will come — He is faithful.
He is Doing Something Bigger
Something bigger. It is what sustains us — what makes the senseless make some sense. What kind of loving, compassionate God would allow such tragedy to occur?
One who is orchestrating something bigger.
There is no doubt God is always about the business of doing something bigger for His name and renown. Working in and through our circumstances — this halted life — in ways we might never imagine…
And it is this “bigger” that helps us take the next breath even in the most dire and defeating times. When we are sinking, He is working and He asks us to remember.
Be very careful NEVER to forget what you have seen the Lord do for you. DO NOT let these things escape your mind as long as you live. And BE SURE to pass them on to your children and grandchildren. Deuteronomy 4:9
When we boldly ask for another parting of the Red Sea kind of miracle and we invite others to plead on our behalf, we step into “something bigger.” We are changed by the prayers of those who walk alongside. As are they. These faithful prayers have the power to move mountains… and to sustain us when our faith is weak… and to avail much more.