5 Things I Learned About Love from Writing a Romance Novel

My family wasn’t surprised when I said I was writing a novel, but they were skeptical when I said it was going to be a romance novel.

My feelings on the topic are often known to be indifferent, and my skepticism about the foolishness of passion is often vocalized. Why a romance novel then?

The easy answer is it amused me, but beyond the quip, I knew it would be a challenge worth writing.

At the heart, a romance is a conflict of two people. Replacing the classic protagonist — antagonist form of storytelling we know with two people who we want to fall in love. However, due to circumstances and situations, falling in love has become difficult, tragic, or comedic.

For the past four years I have annually written an article about dating and relationships from the single man’s perspective, somewhere near the Valentines Day mark, but often hitting publish nearer March. This year, I propose (pause for laughter or groans) to instead share what I learned about love by writing this novel.

I cannot claim the observations are original, because nothing ever really is. I cannot claim you will find each of them insightful, to you reading some may appear painfully obvious. They are the lessons I learned, some of which I feel are overlooked in the popular perceptions of love and romance and known by both couples and single people.

1. There are Two Sides to Every Love Story

From the start, my book’s premise was the love story from the man’s perspective. Typically, in the average romance novel, the story understandably revolves around what the woman believes, thinks and feels. While Reason and Romance does dip into the female love interests thoughts from time to time, most of the story we are stuck with George and his world and perceptions.

Writing both sides, I was reminded how there are two who tango. It’s easy to indulge ourselves in imagining the version we think and see is the same as the other persons, reducing their thoughts to our thoughts, their hopes to our hopes, when in reality each party by default assumes the other is thinking the same thing as us and failing to miss the inconsistencies.

This dangerous road is what often leads to the biggest blow-ups if not break-ups. An unintentional narcissism which prevents us from seeing the story from the other person’s perspective, overlooking the needs they have or perceive in the relationship present or possible.

2. Affection is Rarely Rational

Love rarely makes sense. It just doesn’t. As you can imagine, with a title like Reason and Romance this conflict between the affection we feel and the common sense (or pretense at sense we claim) is at the heart of the book.

The truth is, very little we do makes sense. Most of us make decisions based on emotions, then claim some rational to justify it later on. It’s a cognitive bias we all face, even if we believe ourselves to be perfectly rational beings. For example, I felt like this was a good article, and then thought of why it would be. Love works the same.

When affection starts, it does start with a feeling, that initial attraction gets planted by something that makes your heart flutter. As time goes on, and the feeling attempts maturity, we vainly search for ways to justify the way we feel about the other person. You may find enough reasons to put your mind at ease, but sometimes you can’t.

Despite my best efforts, affection simply isn’t a rational thing. It is always going to be based in some way shape or form on feelings and emotions which aren’t interested in spreadsheets of data. Instead of arguing with this (as I have on more than one occasion), it’s best to accept it as an irrational part of humanity and live with the consequences.

3. ALL Relationships Need to Be Healthy

It’s easy to get stuck examining the health of romantic relationships as the focus, as the all important thing in your life which determines everything else. However, the health of the other relationships are just as vitally important to the well being of any romance.

The people we are closest to are there because we’ve trusted them and care about them, when this curated ecosystem is shaken it literally effects everything else we do. We may think in these little struggles they are isolated and siloed as family business, but they have a far greater impact on how we interact with everyone else than we may realize. In Reason and Romance there’s a conflict in George’s family which spills over into the rest of his life.

Granted, it’s almost cliche to say how you relate to your parents is how you relate to a significant other, but there’s enough truth to it to be valid. It’s a small example of how the health of relationships outside of romance are just as, if not more, significant to our lives.

4. Don’t Focus on Love

Last year, I came across a quote about friendship.

“Friendship happens on the way to something else.

If you “try to meet new people” it feels weird and forced. The more you aim for friendship, the more it eludes you.

But if you aim to learn or achieve something with others, friendship happens naturally during the shared pursuit.” — James Clear

While it may seem hard to say it applies as readily as to friendship, after all romance doesn’t often spring up without intent, the point to let it happen instead of seeking it out is valuable. It’s a part of our culture to search for love, billions of dollars and countless hours are spent every year in the pursuit. In the need for affection and validation from someone else, we narrow our lives and worlds.

Here’s a few thoughts I want to highlight:

What makes you someone worth dating are the things you do when you aren’t trying to date.

When the search for love is your priority, you become a less interesting person.

Instead of placing your emphasis on searching for true love, keep doing the things you are interested in.

In Reason and Romance, what attracts George and Margaret together isn’t a pursuit of love, neither express much interest in looking for it early in the story. It’s their shared love of books and writing which brings them around each other again and again.

5. You Can’t Script Love (Even In a Romance Novel)

Your normal life rarely goes according to plan, yet you somehow expect love to?

No matter what point you are in a relationship, the first date, dating or even marriage, you will start writing a love story in your mind. It’s natural, we like to start scripting our way to happily ever after. The problem is when we feel cheated by the story running off the rails when life fails to follow our carefully crafted narrative. The unexpected shows up and we are left holding the fragments of the story we planned on living.

Romance novels can work the same way. In spite of my outline, as the characters grew I found them occasionally saying or doing things I didn’t expect. The way their love story worked out wasn’t actually the plan I started with, but Reason and Romance is better for the changes.

If we can’t get love to work as scripted on paper the way we plan, it’s a complete fallacy to ever expect it to work so smoothly in real life also.

Conclusion

I enjoyed writing Reason and Romance and I hope people enjoy reading it. The lessons learned in the process will not be soon forgotten. Love is a lot like writing in one chief respect, it takes a lot of heart.

If you’ve enjoyed the article, consider ordering a copy of Reason and Romance. Available at all major book retailers online.