5 Things About Me that Show I am Hypocritical

Friday Prompt: In what ways are you hypocritical? Do you break your own rules of conduct? Hold others to a higher standard than you hold yourself?

As much as I would like to present myself in a good shiny light, I am not perfect, as no one is.

Wanting or not, sometimes I am hypocritical, to others and myself.

If I try to deeply analyze myself, I must admit there are a few things about me that don’t “match” what I am trying to show to the world.

The main reason for that: there’s so much confusion around, at least, this is how I feel.

Also, I am always afraid that things won’t turn out the way I want.

Thank you Diana C., readers, and fellow writers for this chance to mentally analyze and heal!

1. I don’t Fully Use My Skills

A few years ago, I graduated from the University of Bucharest, Foreign Languages section (French and Italian).

I should be working in the foreign languages field. I should be teaching or translating within French and Italian languages.

But I don’t.

There were times in my life that I worked as a translator and interpreter, but deeply (secretly) inside of me, I dreamed about being a teacher and a novelist.

Instead of doing that, I came to Italy and worked in a hotel.

I did write those novels I dreamed of but never had the success I was hoping for.

I still do translations, but only occasionally.

Currently, I am writing on Medium and News Break in English, which is not a language I have studied.

The fact is, I love new projects. I love to interact with people in an educated, interesting, open way. I love Medium and writing platforms for that.

I get bored of doing the same things over and over again, and this is the case with my novels. I sort of… got bored with writing them, and the reason for that is I don’t receive the satisfaction I was hoping for, in terms of money and public relations.

Readers can only leave their comments on the book stores, but that’s one-way communication.

I do have a Facebook writer page, but readers don’t interact a lot.

What I plan to do soon: try to learn better English, and teach it to Italian people.

What I would love to do: more translations. More Medium and News Break writing.

Write ten more novels.

What I would actually love: win at the lottery, be a millionaire and buy a beautiful house LOL.

2. I don’t Take Opportunities When They Arrive

In the past years, I received lots of opportunities (work, love, socialize…) but I didn’t take them all.

I don’t even know if that’s possible.

The main reason for that, is I live in fear.

Every day on the news we hear about new ways people are trying to take advantage of you, especially online.

For instance, I wanted to be a beauty and lifestyle influencer at some point, but I always live in fear.

I hear stories about influencers who are being robbed or victims of hackers. I am terrified that people would find out where I live and haunt me, or they would use my pictures for other purposes.

I was also proposed to start an Amazon business. I think that would be very clever, but again — I’m afraid it would end up me stressing out and losing lots of money.

3. I am a Social Person, but I spend most Time Inside the House

That has a lot to do with the Pandemic, of course, but I belong to an age category that can go out more often.

I should take more walks, do more exercise, meet more people.

I stay inside the house instead, writing, watching movies, and doing nonsense.

Also, I try to keep company with my mother, who is afraid to go out (this should be a sort of excuse for me not going out more often).

4. I Want to Lose Weight, but in the Past Months I’ve Been Eating More

This is a big health issue, as for more than a year, I have terrible pain all over the body. And it’s not COVID.

I’ve been to many doctors and never had a satisfying treatment.

Just yesterday, I went to another medical visit, just to discover: boom! I actually have irritable bowel syndrome.

It was a big shock, but then it made sense: lately I have been eating and living without any regulations.

I have gained weight, so my body is whispering it’s time for a lifestyle change.

What I plan to do soon: a strict diet. Lose weight.

Have a more regular life, including a regulated sleep timetable.

Do more exercise and physical activity.

Try to stress less about everything. Nervous breakdowns to be avoided.

Practice prayer and reading every week, as an instrument of stress relief.

5. I Try to Adapt and Socialize, Even When It’s Obvious People Reject Me

This has been a big stress source, in the past months. And a lesson I still haven’t figured out.

I do my best to socialize with my Italian neighbors, and for some reason, it’s always failing.

Could it be the fact that I am a foreigner here (not Italian)? Or that I am not someone who “brags” about their achievements?

I have asked myself, many times, what I am doing wrong. They say they are not racists or xenophobes.

Then, where is my fault? It’s ten years since I’m living here, and I still have no true friend. Well, maybe one… but it’s not clear, anyway, if he is true or not.

If I need to go for a medical visit, I can count on no one to come with me, especially if it’s an Italian woman. I have learned to be very lonely, and get along with that.

I love to talk, socialize, share news and ideas, but people seem bothered at some point, and turn their back on me.

I keep wondering what is wrong and even asked them, but they always say it’s in my mind and not to worry about it.

Maybe it’s true, but sometimes the pressure is so high I have a nervous collapse.

Just imagine: you live in a small town for ten years where everybody knows everybody. You go out on the street and have almost no one to actually talk to. They look at you in a mean way, you can see their despise and bad thoughts all over them.

I feel somehow forced to become hypocritical. I talk about the weather, news and general things.

I laugh at things that don’t make me laugh and pretend to be interested in things that don’t interest me (like Italian football, and sex as an “instrument” to have fun, for instance).

I am afraid of being my true self. They never allow it. You don’t know what to expect from them when you share a thought.

Most times, I receive bad comments, “polite” but somehow insulting. I never know enough, or be enough. They would always point out what I’m missing, and their attitude always shows despise.

Not one day goes by, without someone’s comment about the way I dress, my lifestyle, or my ignorance (in every possible field). You feel as you insult them for just being.

And yes, people here are often helpful, but that tone of despise on their face and in the way they talk and act just kills me.

This drives two weird situations: sometimes, I feel “forced” to be very kind to them, to supplement their rudeness.

Other times, I feel like I should despise them too.

Both ways, I feel like a hypocrite.

Both ways are not okay, as in everyday life I like to be equilibrated: not too nice and not too much smiling (as this kind of people despise you or take advantage) and not too rude, for obvious reasons.

Generally, I like not to judge.

To be “one of them”, I should be as cold and despising as they are. But that’s not the person I want to become.

Final Ideas

Thank you for reading, I hope this was not too long.

I think life is not perfect, and at some point, we all are more or less hypocritical, as learning how to face the world.

Sometimes I think it’s meant for our survival.

Deep forgiveness and harmony should still be our purpose. Because we need to take care of our health.

Have a wonderful weekend, everyone, take care and stay safe.