Summary

The article humorously outlines five unconventional and ill-advised ways to celebrate Easter, such as creating vodka-infused Peeps and wearing vintage bunny costumes.

Abstract

The article, "5 Terrible Ideas for Celebrating Easter This Year," humorously cautions against Easter celebrations gone awry. It satirically advises against alcoholic confections like vodka-infused Peeps, which could lead to gastrointestinal disturbances during festivities. The author ridicules the use of distasteful vintage bunny costumes that frighten rather than delight and suggests avoiding a tasteless Corn Dog Crucifix that lacks respect for religious sentiments. The piece also discourages over-the-top Easter bonnets and the excessive competitiveness of adults during egg hunts, which could both endanger children and embarrass the adults involved. Through these examples, the writer emphasizes the importance of maintaining the joyous spirit of Easter without resorting to poor taste or extremes.

Opinions

Vodka-infused Peeps are portrayed as a potentially chaotic and regrettable choice for an Easter celebration.
The outdated and unsettling appearance of vintage bunny costumes from 1940-1985 is criticized, suggesting these should be replaced with friendly, modern alternatives.
The creation of a Corn Dog Crucifix is seen as disrespectful and inappropriate for commemorating the religious aspect of Easter.
The overly creative Easter bonnets, especially those decorated with candy, are warned against as they may attract bees and create chaotic situations.
The author disapproves of overly competitive behavior in adult Easter egg hunts, considering it unsafe and unbecoming.

5 Terrible Ideas for Celebrating Easter This Year

Think we can’t find a way to ruin one of the purist days of the year? Hold our collective beer.

Pastel colors, fuzzy baby animals, religious celebration, and the promise of warmer weather have nothing on us. Somehow, despite our intentions, we’ll still find a way to taint the bright and joyous family holiday. Want to spare yours? Here are five things to avoid:

1. Vodka Infused Peeps

Oh, we’re off to a quick start. Easters start early and often involve a lot of family, so I don’t blame you for considering pre-gaming it. Drinking your way through the holidays? Tradition. Hiding it in an iconic holiday treat? Brilliant. So how could this one go wrong?

One little known fact about peeps is that those little buggers can’t handle their booze. Just like your cousin Randy, every time they get even a little nip, they start trouble. You don’t want a whole gang of these sugary fellas sloshing around in your guts during the egg hunt. Trust me, they won’t stay there.

2. Vintage Bunny Costume

I don’t know what the hell was going on with people from 1940 to 1985, but they seemed to have real trouble determining what rabbits looked like. It doesn’t seem that difficult; they are virtually everywhere. Yet, somehow, the ones that have faces like the mask from V for Vendetta are among the least alarming.

There have to be decent, friendly-looking bunny costumes for sale or rent these days. Please invest in one if you want to play Easter bunny. That old costume you found in grandpa’s basement may seem like a real find, but I assure you, it’s the same bad idea now that it was back in 1962. Just because you can doesn’t necessarily mean you should. Burn that old thing and try not to get smoldering bunny fur on your clothes when you do.

3. Corn Dog Crucifix

Normally, I would say that I’m not more opposed to breaded and deep-fried religious figures than the next guy. But… I stand corrected. I’m all for making an effort to ensure that the religious aspect of the holiday is not lost among the chocolate eggs, jelly beans, and Easter grass. This may not be the best way to accomplish that, though.

Believe it or not, I don’t think a giant mustard frown is the most effective display of the passion of the Christ. And the little ketchup blood dots? Come on, man. If we’re going to invoke the religious origin of the holiday, let’s try to also include a least a little bit of reverence. This seems like a recipe for some mocking laughter that grandma might find off-putting.

4. Creative Bonnet License

You want to let your freak flag fly; I get it. I mean, how could the other 364 days per year possibly be enough time for you to uniquely express yourself? I’m going to ask you to exercise just the tiniest bit of restraint, though. You’re a human being, not a float at the Rose Bowl.

And please don’t strap candy to your child’s head. I feel like I shouldn’t have to say this. Spring is around the corner, and, depending where you are, there may be bees. You’re creating a situation that is fair neither to the children nor the bees. You’re setting them both up for failure.

5. Overenthusiastic Egg Hunting

Maybe you weren’t the most athletic kid, or maybe you were the star of the football team. Either way, the Easter Sunday of your 36th year on earth is not the day to reclaim past glory. Acquiring the greatest number of empty dollar store plastic eggs is not a good justification for bulldozing a child; I don’t care what day it is.

Also, and part of me feels like I should just let this happen, you’re going to hurt yourself. Let’s face it, you don’t do a lot of sprinting and pivoting in the parking lot on the way from your car to your cubicle. These are not movements with which you’re familiar any longer. Do yourself a favor and dial it back a notch or two.

As we all know, the urge to ruin a holiday by over-participating can be nearly irresistible. I’m not asking you to avoid every bad decision that presents itself. If you can avoid the items mentioned above, I think it’s fair to consider it a victory. You know, “baby steps” and all that.