5 Signs You May Have Unresolved Childhood Trauma

How the lingering effects can replay.

The effects of childhood trauma will inevitably affect our lives in negative ways, with the most common symptoms being reported as chronic and cyclic anxiety and depression. Childhood trauma not only irreparably damages a developing brain in our formative years, we are also at an increased risk of developing issues with our physical and emotional health in our adult lives.

Many clients I have worked with over the years came to me not fully understanding how early trauma has caused a disruption in their adult functioning or in their ability to be fully present in their relationships. Yet, once we began unpacking the many ways that trauma can (and does) affect the quality of our lives, they began making peace with what happened to them, and most importantly, they learned how to heal from it.

Unresolved childhood trauma can affect us in many ways — emotionally, mentally, physically, inter-personally, financially, and functionally, just to name a few. It’s important to recognize that unresolved childhood trauma can manifest differently for everyone, but a few of the more common ways are included here.

Distracted

The word “distracted” is often a metaphor for avoidance behavior which is common in people with unresolved childhood trauma. Substance abuse is probably the #1 thing that comes to mind when we hear about living distracted or engaging in avoidant behavior. Perhaps lesser-known (but equally common) distracted behaviors include eating disorders, gaming addiction, internet or social media addiction, exercise addiction, porn/sex addiction, a compulsion to “fix” or “rescue” others in our lives, shopaholism (“retail therapy”), and workaholism.

The irony with any distracted behavior is that the more we turn to compulsions as a way of escaping or avoiding vulnerable feelings, the more we end up negatively reinforcing the pattern of escapism and avoidance.

Which reinforces our trauma.

One common theme I see with behavioral addictions is a fear of slowing down, or not having enough time to do everything they want to in a day.

Many battle low self-worth and feelings of shame if they can’t do everything on their To Do List, yet these lists seem to grow in direct proportion to how much their unresolved trauma is trying to grab their attention. “Busyaholics” are those who are often stuck in a “flight” trauma response where they fear slowing down because when they’ve slowed down in the past, it has inevitably triggered depression or anxiety.

“Flight” types are stuck in the “go” or “on” position, and are driven by the faulty belief that if they do more, achieve higher, accomplish greater, or perform “perfectly”, then they will be seen as (and feel) Good Enough. Many appear hyperactive, always busy and on the go, and “chasing” the next distraction, which according to Walker (2014) is along a continuum of constant busyness, from the “…straight A student on one end, to the ADHD dropout on the other.”

Promiscuity

First, I want to clarify that when referring to promiscuity, or sexual behaviors associated with possible unresolved childhood trauma, these occur in much high(er) frequencies than “typical” sexual behavior and always end in feelings of shame, which trigger another upswing in the cycle to feel better again. There are distinct differences between someone who is a progressive, confident, and sexually secure adult versus someone who is using sex to emotionally disconnect or to gain a momentary sense of worth.

The biggest differentiation between healthy sexual exploration with physical intimacy versus promiscuity is in understanding the motivation, or function, of their behavior. In other words, the “why” of their behavior.

For example, childhood abuse survivors often equate sex to their sense of self-worth or their value as a human. Sex may be used to control or manipulate for a number of reasons including: to avoid emotional intimacy or connection, to dominate, or as a way of tapping into unmet needs for connection, belonging, and love.

Promiscuous behavior usually begins in adolescence, where developmental milestones such as forming a solid sense of self-identity can become blurred and confused. Some adolescents search for a sense of self by exploring their likes/dislikes, forming friendships, and experimenting with different roles or activities in learning to understand themselves.

Others with histories of profound unresolved childhood trauma (mental illness in the family, being bullied in school, poverty, abuse, and neglect) can begin using sex as a way to combat feelings of emptiness or not feeling Good Enough. They may struggle socially or may have experienced bullying where their sense of feeling connected to their peers has suffered. As a result, they may use their body to gain attention, which gets confused as love, or connection from others. Unfortunately, this pattern typically leads down a path of getting involved in narcissistic relationships, being further stigmatized or ostracized, and with an increased risk for romance or relationship-addicted behaviors.

Drawn to Danger

The premise behind being drawn to ‘danger’ is the basis of Dr. Bessel van der Kolk’s, Compulsion to Repeat, and Freud’s Repetition Compulsion. Freud’s analysis may be somewhat outdated, as Dr. van der Kolk’s theory seems to start roughly where Freud’s left off. Thus, Dr. van der Kolk does not suggest that we are subconsciously trying to heal our trauma by repeating it, but are in essence masochistically sabotaging ourselves by rehashing it.

For example, Freud suggested that we are typically attracted to our opposite-sex parent in early childhood, where this subconscious attraction may later play out in our choice of romantic partner. In Dr. Freud’s analysis, we may “marry our mother” as a way of trying to unconsciously work through our unresolved trauma with her. Yet, Dr. van der Kolk’s theory would suggest that if we ended up “marrying our mother”, it operates more as self-sabotaging where sexual attraction to our partner can fizzle out as we become more aware of the similarities between our parent and our spouse.

Being drawn to danger is being subconsciously attracted to what we see as familiar, or “comfortable”, even if it was toxic to our developmental or emotional growth. Because of unresolved childhood trauma, some may be carrying wounds with them that attract them to toxic friends, or dangerous situations where impulsive behavior identifies the relationship. Others may have “complimentary” disorders such as one person struggling with addiction while the other is codependent, or the Perfect Storm of unhealthy relationships: the common pairing between a person with NPD and a person with BPD.

Attachment Issues

Attachment issues are broad and complex. Adults who were unable to form healthy and secure relationships with their primary caregivers in infancy have trouble maintaining close and intimate relationships in their adult lives. In its most basic form, attachment issues formed in childhood from abuse or neglect often include the development of an insecure attachment style, which can include: anxious, avoidant, or fearful-avoidant. These are carried with us into our adult lives and can create patterns seen in push-pull relationships, and in some cases, traumatic bonds.

Yet, attachment is not All or Nothing. There are many nuances that highlight and shadow our attachment style, where our trauma comes front and center, even if we are not consciously aware of it. In order to understand and appreciate our attachment style, we need to become aware of our behavior patterns that replay in our relationships. While these patterns may be present in any of our relationships, we tend to become most aware of them within our romantic relationships.

A common misunderstanding is that people with insecure attachment styles cannot establish romantic relationships. The truth is, for all insecure attachment styles, the “chase” and the highs of the honeymoon phase in a romantic relationship are often paired with tapping into that person’s unmet needs for attention, safety, and feeling seen and heard. This is why the “chase” is one of the biggest patterns seen in insecurely attached relationships. and one of the most challenging patterns to break.

However, unless we are aware of our motivations and have taken the time to unpack and heal our core wounds, “chasing” will continue to identify unmet needs and relationship highs, while “running’ will continue to identify attachment trauma and relational lows.

Neither are representative of authentic love, only trauma.

Weight Issues

Unresolved childhood trauma can directly affect our physical health, including being at an increased risk for asthma, obesity, stroke, diabetes, and heart disease. Childhood obesity is more than genetics. Because of chronic stress on a person’s body, it can create metabolic dysfunction from increased cortisol levels, which can ultimately lead to increases in appetite and weight gain. Further, high levels of stress trigger increased cortisol responsiveness, in which one study found that cortisol levels were approximately 60% higher in a sample who experienced childhood trauma, and as much as 122% higher when subsequent trauma occurred.

In addition to abuse leaving deep scars, many who experienced early abuse may turn to binge eating as a self-protective measure in making themselves seem less attractive or desirable. This pattern of food addiction is perhaps most common in adults who experienced sexual abuse or emotional neglect where the effects of binge eating or overeating literally increase a barrier between themselves and others as “protective”. However, this pattern is also seen in some who grew up in poverty and neglect, where they may not have known where their next meal was coming from.

Another common pattern seen in adults who were mistreated as children is a lower response to reward (dopamine) in their brain, making them more susceptible to seeking a “payout’ in their food choices, where bulimia may develop. Becoming restrictive in their food (anorexia) as a way of trying to gain control over themselves and their lives after having experienced profound trauma, is another way a person may develop issues with their weight.

Childhood trauma can be healed. It does not have to affect our lives, our well-being, our romantic relationships, or our sense of self. To heal, we have to come to terms with what happened to us, and what we survived. This is often the longest part of healing because many times we’re grappling with the “wtf’s?”, the “why me’s” and the anger and denial that can go along with it.

We’re entitled to be angry. We’re in our right to go No Contact with those who hurt us or denied us the chance to feel safe or wanted as kids. We are not obligated to forgive anyone who hurt us, but we are obligated to forgive ourselves for holding onto baggage that was never ours to hold.