5 Signs of a Codependent Relationship

It’s only when you break away that you’re able to see it for what it is.

There’s been much speculation about what being in a co-dependent relationship means, from needy, clingy, one-sided, to a person sacrificing their entire wellbeing to please the other.

Being co-dependent isn’t exclusive to sexual relationships. It can also play a part within the dynamics of our family, work, and social circles, as well as substances.

The roots of codependency can begin as early childhood, in scenarios where a child often grows up in an environment where their emotions are ignored or punished.

As a consequence, this emotional neglect lowers a child's self-esteem, creating a belief system that their needs are not important.

Using the symptoms of co-dependency from psychology, and my own personal experience of being in a co-dependent relationship (personally and professionally), here are 5 Signs of a Codependent Relationship.

1. Live For That Person

When I was sixteen years old in my first relationship, I would put my entire life and enjoyment on hold until the weekend, until we could at long last be together.

Now, I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with having something to look forward to, the complete opposite. It’s the fact that I had let it become my crutch, my very reason for living that was the problem.

My friends complained that I was never around, especially during school holidays, but really, at the time I didn’t want to be.

Even in social gatherings and Youth theatre retreats, I would sneak away to be on the phone with her because I could not find satisfaction elsewhere, but then I didn’t exactly allow myself to either.

The downside of this meant that I was subconsciously telling myself that happiness could only be achieved this way, and I soon found my life getting narrower and narrower.

In his book In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts: Close Encounters with Addiction, addiction expert Dr. Gabor Maté proclaims:

“It is impossible to understand addiction without asking what relief the addict finds, or hopes to find, in the drug or the addictive behavior”.

My relationship had grown to the point that I had let it become my sole coping mechanism for life, although it was only when I was removed from it did I ever get the chance to see how destructive it really was.

When you begin living your life for someone else, sooner or later it’s hard to know what you’re life was all about, to begin with.

2. Continue to Stay Even if You’re Being Hurt

Fleeing a situation that brings you misery, especially on a continuous basis, does not come apparent to someone who is codependent. This happened to me with my ex-boss.

Before they were my boss we were actually very good friends and may have added to my reasoning of why I stayed longer in that environment than I needed.

I just remember days where I’d be doing their personal errands rather than what I was hired to do at the time, and then get the blame for not having done the work. What’s worse, I would then allow myself to be afraid to ask for the money that they owed me for doing these personal runs during office hours.

I remember days where I made a mistake and the entire vibe of the office was on eggshells because my boss would be upset, days, weeks after the event.

Looking back, I struggle to conceive how my self-esteem had gotten to this point, but in reading the literature, suffice to say it came with the territory.

According to an article on PsychCentral, they refer to someone who is codependent as someone ‘‘who has lost the connection to his or her core self’’ and that codependents when fragile are ‘‘afraid of rejection and abandonment’’.

It’s interesting how fear can keep you locked in, even when you know you’re getting hurt. For me at the time, my fear of not having a backup option at the time in terms of job prospects made me stay, even if it meant diminishing what was left of my self-worth.

It’s a habit after all. The more you do something, the more you sit in its jaws.

My relationship with my friend may have brought me comfort initially, and possibly was another factor of why I stayed on through blind loyalty, sometimes our emotions and moral code can get in the way of us looking at a situation more logically, naively believing, and falsely hoping that the person or substance can still provide us the comfort we’re after, even if it means we get hurt time and time again.

3. Feel guilty about their own needs.

This is something to this day I still have trouble dealing with, but nowadays, based on my journey, I’m far more defiant in protecting than I used to be.

Many times in the past when working with my ex-boss I’d feel guilty for wanting something for me, from going to the gym or meeting up with my friends or family, I was treated as a traitor, for wanting more outside of this work-life that was consuming me.

When I was given the ‘honor’ of the status of a family member, it was as if I was in a mob gang, which meant that I was in deeper than a typical working relationship was, and having a life outside of it was breaking some of form of oath, leaving me in a constant state of guilt for even thinking about doing having any form of external life.

I could not win, no matter what I did.

Sometimes guilt can spur action, and can often lead to self-improvement, however for codependents that’s not the case.

Marriage and family therapist Darlene Lancer, who specializes in codependency claims:

The problem for codependents is that their guilt is usually irrational and stems from shame and poor boundaries. Studies show that healthy guilt encourages people to have more empathy for others, to take corrective action, and to improve themselves. Shame, on the other hand, makes you feel inferior, inadequate, or bad about who you are verses what you did.

When guilt in the form of shame accumulates over time, it eventually becomes hard to forgive oneself.

Without self-forgiveness, it can be hard to move on with our lives and build toward the person we want to be when we have years of feelings of unworthiness holding us down.

4. Do Anything to Please, Even at Your Own Expense.

Any one of us who genuinely feels like we’ve wronged someone, especially someone that truly matters to us, then I think it’s fair game to say, if we have any ambition of continuing the relationship, then we would do the utmost to not only redeem ourselves but also help alleviate the hurt we’ve inflicted on that person.

But what if that person is an enabler who has subjected you to believe that one mistake means a life sentence?

Yes, it may sound hyperbolic to say, but that’s how I felt.

In any healthy relationship, you’d expect a healthy amount of give and take, out of respect for each other, but when it’s a one-sided dynamic, it’s easy to feel exploited, but then you don’t want to disappoint, so you suppress how you feel and do it anyway.

When we decide to take on other person’s problems for them

Weena Cullins LCMFT states:

While some of these behaviors are normal to exhibit when we care about another person, they become problematic when we cross over into an unhealthy space of doing “too much” and not being able to stop.

Falling into a transactional mindset of having to do something for a person in hope that they do or act in a way that you want them is a telltale sign, especially when acceptance and love in that exchange aren’t always guaranteed.

5. Feel Constant Anxiety in Fear of Upsetting the Other Person

Trust me, as a former codependent, there is no worse place to be than in your enabler’s doghouse.

When you’ve done something wrong, however slight, the repercussions are compounding, and a lot rides on what you do next.

What’s more, the anxiety amplifies making it harder to be authentic and the perfect apology goes out the window putting you in even dire straits than you were before.

‘‘If you don’t set a basline standard for what you’ll accept in life, you’ll find it’s easy to slip into beahviors and attitudes or a quality of life that’s far below what you deserve.’’

-Tony Robbins

When we’re anything but our authentic self, we’re potentially setting ourselves up to fail even more so.

However, as painful as it sounds, it’s only in confronting this anxiety we can change the rules its imposed on us.

The Answer: How Self-love Steals Us From Loneliness

‘‘Codependence is often used incorrectly. It’s when you look to ther people to decide how you are feeling’’

- Whitney Cummings, Comedian

The research I’ve looked at, from MedicalNewsToday, PsychCentral and authors such as Karen McMahon confirmed what I already knew instinctually, that in order to ensure that future relationships did not fall to the same fate, I had to address the loneliness in my heart first, otherwise, the loneliness would still be with me in the relationships I wanted to establish.

Although it’s been years since I’ve dealt with codependent dynamics in work and personal life, I am far warier at how things can go spiraling out of control if we’re not aware.

For me, the time spent away cultivating myself rather than chase wrong relationships helped me not only understand who I was and who I wanted to be, but I could establish boundaries and in turn, be more of value to others, more so than had I been a complying codependent.

From losing weight to starting a personal diary to reacquainting myself to meditation, these anchors have helped me during the storms of life.

As selfish as it may sound, you nor I am of no benefit to anyone if our own cup of self-worth is not full. Without a full cup, we have no value to offer, therefore, as selfish as it sounds, it's important to help ourselves before we are best able to help others.

‘‘Despite how open, peaceful, and loving you attempt to be, people can only meet you, as deeply as they’ve met themselves’’.

— Matt Kahn

Last year I wrote an article detailing my self-love journey and how it’s considerably changed my outlook and more importantly my relationship with myself.

In years gone by, I’ve been on the other side of self-hate and am still to an extent shaking off the desperation that came with being a chronic people-pleaser, so honing my self-love has not been a picnic…but it’s definitely one of the more rewarding things I’ve ever done.

I learned a long time ago that I needed to ‘win’ on the inside first before I could truly win on the outside. No amount of winning outside could subside an internal loss, no matter what I did.

For me, I had to slowly make that shift of gradually valuing my opinion of myself more and more. The more I did so, the more I could establish my own boundaries as well as give myself permission to follow through with decisions that were important to me.

The catalyst to any quality relationship begins with the one we have with ourselves.

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