5 Revelations About Love that I Learned from My 8-Year-Old Daughters

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2040

Abstract

eed a reason</h1><p id="7db7">The other day I was working when my daughter came over and hugged me tightly. “You are the best mummy in the whole world”, she said. “What is that for?” I asked instantly. “Nothing, I just love you”. I struggled to keep my emotions in check when I realised the assumptions I had made. This wasn’t about anything I had done or given her. This wasn’t to soften me up before she would ask for sweets or telly. This was her, showing me how much she loved me, <i>just because she does</i>.</p><h1 id="93f7">3. Love is offering help</h1><p id="8935">I was preparing dinner when my other daughter came into the kitchen and said: “Mummy, I think it’s about time that we help you with the cooking. Can I peel the potatoes for you?”. At that moment I realised that I couldn’t remember when my ex of 10 years had offered me help. In all this time I had thought how lucky I was that he always helped me when I asked. But today I know I am expecting more, someone who can see or notice when or where I might need help and <i>offer it.</i></p><h1 id="22b0">4. Love is conveyed in actions over words</h1><p id="ec11">“Mummy, have you ever had a fake friend?” I was surprised by this question. I hadn’t told them anything about my recent relationship or breakup. “I mean like someone who pretends to be your friend only so they can maybe get snacks or presents from you, but then they aren’t actually your friend?”. “Yes, I have”, I reply, unsure how to approach this with 8-year olds. They tell me about someone at school, who asked to be their friend but started bullying them later on. “He was just pretending to be nice at the start, but he wasn’t a real friend”. It’s that simple and yet I have struggled to see it for so long in my own relationship. Love isn’t about how someone tells you that they treat you, it’s about how they actually treat you. Love should be in the behaviours someone displays when you get to know them properly not the promises they make.</p><h1 id="bb97">5. Love doesn’t hurt</h1><p id="7c6b">Be

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ing a single working mum can be a struggle. Some days I feel like I nail it, some days I feel like a total failure. But no matter what day it is, my girls show me that they love me. When I screw up their lunch orders, they tell me not to worry. When I am sad, they hug me. When I stress out over something, they tell me that they love me. They love me on days that I thrive as a mum, just as much as on days that I totally fail. When I look at them I know that I am loved. I feel happy, I feel good about myself, I do not feel pain. I know so much about all the different forms of abuse now, I recognise so many behaviours that I was never able to put a finger on. But maybe I didn’t need to be able to label them all to understand what I understand when I am with my daughters: Love does not hurt!</p><h2 id="3538">More by Kara Summers:</h2><div id="33b0" class="link-block"> <a href="https://readmedium.com/how-i-found-true-love-62ad033ffe7d"> <div> <div> <h2>How I Found True Love</h2> <div><h3>But it wasn’t where I was searching.</h3></div> <div><p>medium.com</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/0*LXrO21uknDA5KO9x)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div><div id="cf5f" class="link-block"> <a href="https://readmedium.com/a-day-in-the-life-of-a-toxic-relationship-ffb487a213ec"> <div> <div> <h2>A Day in the Life of a Toxic Relationship</h2> <div><h3>Many don’t recognise narcissistic abuse when they are caught in the middle.</h3></div> <div><p>medium.com</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/0*ul7zBaj8k26PDM4k)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div></article></body>

4. Love is conveyed in actions over words

A few months ago I came out of a relationship that I thought would last forever. I thought I had lost the love of my life, my soulmate, the only person who had truly loved me and it was my own fault. I started counselling, hoping to get some practical tips on how to move on, but instead, I got pointers that sent me on a whole different journey: Understanding love.

I am still working my way through medium articles, books, abuse programs and different types of therapy and I am learning something new every day. But during this time, I also noticed that my 8-year-old daughters already understand some of these concepts better than I did. They are kids of course, and don’t know anything about romantic relationships. In many ways their love is different, but some of the concepts can be assigned to a relationship too and denote what I expect from a romantic partner from now on.

1. Love is always seeing the beauty in someone

I was just out of the shower when my daughter noticed the spots on my legs. “What are these mummy?”, I look at them and make a mental note to cancel my date for next week. I can hear my ex’s voice in my head: “You really need to look after your body more, what age are you?”. She looks me into the eyes and says: “Don’t worry mummy, you are still beautiful.” She is so right. Someone who truly loves you should always be able to see the beauty in you, they won’t pick on your flaws or ask you to change.

2. Love affirmations don’t need a reason

The other day I was working when my daughter came over and hugged me tightly. “You are the best mummy in the whole world”, she said. “What is that for?” I asked instantly. “Nothing, I just love you”. I struggled to keep my emotions in check when I realised the assumptions I had made. This wasn’t about anything I had done or given her. This wasn’t to soften me up before she would ask for sweets or telly. This was her, showing me how much she loved me, just because she does.

3. Love is offering help

I was preparing dinner when my other daughter came into the kitchen and said: “Mummy, I think it’s about time that we help you with the cooking. Can I peel the potatoes for you?”. At that moment I realised that I couldn’t remember when my ex of 10 years had offered me help. In all this time I had thought how lucky I was that he always helped me when I asked. But today I know I am expecting more, someone who can see or notice when or where I might need help and offer it.

4. Love is conveyed in actions over words

“Mummy, have you ever had a fake friend?” I was surprised by this question. I hadn’t told them anything about my recent relationship or breakup. “I mean like someone who pretends to be your friend only so they can maybe get snacks or presents from you, but then they aren’t actually your friend?”. “Yes, I have”, I reply, unsure how to approach this with 8-year olds. They tell me about someone at school, who asked to be their friend but started bullying them later on. “He was just pretending to be nice at the start, but he wasn’t a real friend”. It’s that simple and yet I have struggled to see it for so long in my own relationship. Love isn’t about how someone tells you that they treat you, it’s about how they actually treat you. Love should be in the behaviours someone displays when you get to know them properly not the promises they make.

5. Love doesn’t hurt

Being a single working mum can be a struggle. Some days I feel like I nail it, some days I feel like a total failure. But no matter what day it is, my girls show me that they love me. When I screw up their lunch orders, they tell me not to worry. When I am sad, they hug me. When I stress out over something, they tell me that they love me. They love me on days that I thrive as a mum, just as much as on days that I totally fail. When I look at them I know that I am loved. I feel happy, I feel good about myself, I do not feel pain. I know so much about all the different forms of abuse now, I recognise so many behaviours that I was never able to put a finger on. But maybe I didn’t need to be able to label them all to understand what I understand when I am with my daughters: Love does not hurt!