5 Relationship Lessons from Rumi

And how they are so relevant today

History, mythology, and folklore provide plenty of proof that wars have been fought for and against love. Kingdoms have been build and doomed because of it. Numerous literary works have been inspired by love. Among the multitude of authors and poets, one that stands out to me is Rumi.

Like most great literature, his writing has universal and eternal appeal. His take on love is unique, and can be applied to our modern world. You might be wondering where Rumi intersects today’s technologically advanced world.

You’re right in thinking about technology right away because it so dominates our day to day life. The number and variety of devices, websites, streaming services, and apps is mind-boggling and eats away at what would most likely have been quality time spent together. What perspective can Rumi provide in this situation, you ask? You’ll be surprised at the relationship lessons his captivating words hold for us in our modern messy lives.

“Yesterday I was clever, so I wanted to change the world. Today I am wise, so I am changing myself.” — Rumi

Challenge: Wanting to change your partner’s habits, behavior, personality.

A common challenge couples run into early on in the relationship is one partner trying to change the other in some way. That could involve expectations around day to day habits, behavior traits or personality changes.

The lesson from this Rumi quote is that if we wish to change anything, we should start by changing ourselves, instead of rightaway expecting our loved one to undergo transformation.

This is so insightful because in a relationship, two people who have grown up with different influences and backgrounds come together. Even twins who grow up in the same house are never exactly same in terms of personalities and behavior even though they have been through similar experiences. Yet, when two people fall in love, they want the other person to be like them or change their habits, behaviors, personalities. Two questions here: is it a reasonable expectation and is it even possible? Calibrate your expectations or change yourself.

“Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.” — Rumi

Challenge: Finding fault with your partner or constantly looking for reasons to criticize them.

Do you know someone who is a serial dater and somehow nothing or no one works out for them? Or even if they get into a relationship, it doesn’t last. There is always something about the other person that they don’t like, some fault, or sometimes there isn’t any reason at all, the relationship just fades away.

The lesson from this Rumi quote is for a person with such tendencies to introspect, to look within. This is to identify any beliefs, attitudes, and thoughts that hold such a person back. Maybe the real issue is that they don’t find themselves attractive or good enough or worthy enough to be loved. It is the lack of self-acceptance and self-love that is being projected on other people they meet and it comes in the way of their love life. Seek and find the barriers within.

“Don’t be satisfied with stories, how things have gone with others. Unfold your own myth.” — Rumi

Challenge: Playing the comparison and status game with other couples on social media.

We are all constantly engaged with social media, and couples are no different. They take to social media to announce their relationship status, post pictures of latest vacays, dates, and some even like to post day to day details of their couple lives. If you do this and it makes you happy then that’s wonderful, do it. But if you come away from social media feeling envious, angry, sad because you are not doing the couple-things that your other couple friends are doing, then it’s time to take a step back.

The takeaway from this Rumi quote is to stay away from comparison and status games. And what’s the fun in doing what others do anyway. Do what makes the two of you happy, do your own thing, invent things to do together. Write your own adventure, write the love story you’d like to one day tell your grandkids. Not everything you do needs to be posted online.

“Raise your words, not voice. It is rain that grows flowers, not thunder.” — Rumi

Challenge: Letting arguments turn into ugly fights.

All couples argue. Period. If they don’t, there is something wrong in/with the relationship. The simple reason behind this is, when two individuals raised in different backgrounds, locations, environments come together, they are not going to agree on absolutely everything. Differences will need to sorted out and an exchange of ideas, thoughts, and words is inevitable. Arguments are not unhealthy in themselves, it is when voices are raised and hurtful things are said that they take a turn for the worse.

This lesson from this Rumi quote is to use words instead of voice to make arguments. Give your reasons for not agreeing, make your case, persuade, but do it respectfully without raising your voice. No matter how angry you feel in the moment. It is even acceptable to ‘agree to disagree’, whatever you decide to do, do it respectfully and with the knowledge that your love is bigger and stronger than the challenge to overcome.

“Love is the bridge between you and everything.” — Rumi

This quote just about sums up the impact of our relationship on our life.

Have you noticed that when you’ve argued with your loved one, your work is affected? You lack concentration, probably keep replaying the argument in your mind and feeling hurt. Sometimes people who are going through relationship issues also suffer from health issues or adopt unhealthy coping mechanisms like drinking, binge eating, working out too much, working too much, belittling themselves, and many other ways.

Your love and relationship impacts every area of our life. It certainly influences the color of the glasses you wear to see the world and your attitude toward the world. In that sense, love is indeed the bridge connecting you to everything.