MUSINGS
5 Recovery Sayings to Live By
AA maxims are full of wisdom for mental health, relationships, and sobriety
“Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results.”
— AA saying
I ended up in a recovery group the way most people do. I had a compulsive habit that began because I didn’t know how to deal with the hurts in my life, particularly in my marriage.
I coped with painful emotions by turning to my addiction. I kept it a secret from my wife, but it reached the point where I wanted to get help, and I decided to attend a recovery meeting at my church.
As I often heard in recovery, we’re only as sick as our secrets and I discovered how helpful it is to be part of a recovery group and to learn how to deal with my feelings in a healthy way rather than burying them through my addiction.
I owe all the quotes in this article to my friend Tim. He shared them at one time or another during open shares in our recovery group and they’ve remained in my brain, popping up whenever I need to hear their wisdom.
You don’t need to have been in a recovery group to relate to these AA sayings. They apply to mental health, relationships, and challenges of everyday life.
Let’s start with the one Tim said most often:
1. “Expectations are premeditated resentments.”
Having problems in a relationship? Chances are if resentment has raised its ugly head it traces back to expectations that one person has for another person. Resentments can be a silent assassin in a relationship with a partner, especially if one person constantly has expectations.
Expectations are like an invisible enemy in a relationship. For example, your partner might be looking forward to talking with you when you come home from work, but she feels like you dismiss her by going on your phone, and this is how expectations can morph into resentment.
Does this mean that we should have no expectations in a relationship? I would not go that far, but I would encourage you to be aware of how having too many expectations of another person can end up sabotaging the relationship.
“When you stop expecting people to be perfect, you can like them for who they are.”
Donald Miller, A Million Miles in a Thousand Years
2. “The good news about recovery is you discover your feelings. The bad news about recovery is you discover your feelings.”
It took me a while to figure this one out. I avoided most of my feelings in the midst of my addiction. It was the “eating your feelings” metaphor with food, and when I began attending a recovery group every week, I discovered the feelings I had been suppressing were the underlying cause of my addiction.
Now I had to learn to deal with these feelings. Emotions can be difficult for anyone to deal with. This is why another AA saying is “easy does it” and “one day at time” to encourage people to work through emotions in a healthy way.
This is what I learned to do in my recovery. When I experienced a hurt in my life, I processed my emotions by feeling the sting of the painful emotion and expressing to myself and to God how I felt and then I let go of the feelings.
“The attempt to escape from pain, is what creates more pain.”
Gabor Maté, Canadian physician
3. “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.”
You know the Serenity Prayer. What it means is I can’t change the behavior of other people, but I can take responsibility for how I respond when wronged by another person or apologize for my wrongs and the hurts I’ve caused others.
It’s the “stay in your lane” metaphor. If you’re in a relationship with someone, you work on your issues and they work on theirs. Each person takes care of their side of the street and neither person attempts to fix the other person.
Of course, that’s easier said then done, and it requires both people to practice staying in their own lane. But if one person is getting in their partner’s lane, the other person still must learn how to respond in a healthy manner.
“You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.” Matthew 7:5
4. “When you’ve got one foot in yesterday and the other in tomorrow, you can only piss on today.”
Have you pissed on today? Have you been thinking about your past? Something your spouse or ex-boyfriend did? Or have you been worrying about the future? Or are you upset about something your partner said to you two hours ago?
This quote teaches us to live in the present and to deal with our problems soon after they occur, so we can avoid becoming burdened down with resentments that only cause harm to our own mental well-being.
So get your foot out of yesterday and tomorrow and see the beauty of today.
“Anger, resentment and jealousy doesn’t change the heart of others — it only changes yours.”
Shannon Alder, 300 Questions to Ask Your Parents Before It’s Too Late
5. “God never wastes a hurt.”
This is my favorite AA quote. When you make it through the 12 steps, you realize you have empathy for those with the same addiction as you and you can encourage others by sharing how you’ve overcome your addiction.
This quote is a reminder that what you have learned can help someone else. I am a product of everything the men in my recovery group shared. I took something away from each person whether they realized it or not.
“Tell the story of the mountains you climbed. Your words could become a page in someone else’s survival guide.”
Morgan Harper Nichols
One final thing I remember Tim sharing in an open share was: If it took him to have a beer bottle in his hand to show him his need for God, then he was grateful for his addiction and I feel the same way regarding my addiction.
Like most people caught in an addiction, I found the first of the 12 steps — admitting to yourself you have a problem — to be the hardest step.
However, once I admitted I had a problem, I discovered a welcoming group of men and women living ruthlessly honest lives to avoid falling down the rabbit hole of their addictions.
And that is the moment my life began to change and it would have never happened if I had not taken that first step to walk through the door.
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