5 Reasons You May Feel You Don’t Belong

And have no friends.

Ever since I was a child, I’ve never felt like I belonged. I’ve always had different interests, opinions, and ambitions than my peers. That’s not to say that I’ve always been an outcast or that I’ve never had a single friend in my life. I have gone through phases of having no friends or being a part of large friend groups.

Honestly, I’ve never really minded not belonging. I’ve always been a bit of a chameleon. Even if I didn’t fit in, I would successfully play the part and get somewhat accepted.

I don’t think that not belonging is necessarily a bad thing. Thanks to the constant search for something, I moved to foreign countries, connected with people from all over the world, and developed a well-rounded belief system that was not influenced by a small group of people.

But still, belongingness is a basic human need, and even the most introverted introverts want to fit in. Although there are a plethora of reasons why you don’t belong, here are a few that I’ve observed in my own life.

1. You Are Not Supposed to Belong

I guess the most spiritual reason might be that you are just not supposed to belong. You can’t explain why because that’s how it is. Perhaps you are meant to be different because you are here to accomplish extraordinary things.

Imagine living in a world where everyone looks, dresses, and behaves the same way. A world where everyone conforms to the same ideas and opinions. Not only would we never achieve any progress, but we would also be living in an incredibly dull world.

Think about all the leaders, innovators, and people who had a massive impact on the world. Do you think John Lennon was like everyone else? What about Nelson Mandela? Or Mahatma Gandhi?

We are all born unique. But as we grow up, we adjust to the world around us because, admittedly, life can be more manageable when we fit in. People are naturally scared of everything that seems different. If you are unlike your peers, unfortunately, that might be why you are left out.

But don’t suppress your uniqueness. It’s pointless, and you will most likely become someone you are not supposed to be. Somewhere on this planet is someone who will accept you for who you are. It might take a while before you find those people. But remember, it takes courage not to be like everyone else.

2. You Are Not Trying Hard Enough

As long as it’s nice to say that all of us who don’t belong are here for a higher purpose, it’s also pretty naive. In some cases, the reason why you don’t have friends is your fault.

Harsh, I know. But the last thing I want is a toxic friend Joe to read this article and think he is superior and that all people should conform to him.

How do you know you are the toxic friend? If you find that you are the one who speaks the most in conversations, mostly about yourself, hardly ever listen to your friends, and never check up on them, that might be why people don’t want to be around you.

But before you beat yourself up, acknowledge that we are all guilty of this at some point or another. If this is your case, now you know how to fix it — listen more than you speak and take action first. Message your friend to see how they are doing if you haven’t heard from them in a while.

3. You Are in the Wrong Country or Community

Ever since I was a child, I’ve always known that I wouldn’t spend my life living in my home country, the Czech Republic. In fact, no place has ever felt like home to me. No one could ever understand this, including myself.

Most people I’ve met love travelling and exploring new places, but no one seems to be struggling with this. Perhaps, some of us are born in the wrong countries or engage with the wrong communities.

After graduating from college (high school if you are from America), I moved to the UK, a country I had visited a few times before that felt like home. Until, eventually, that feeling stopped. About three years into my stay, the feeling faded.

I’m now back in the Czech Republic, and I’m glad I’m here because I genuinely started appreciating the country. But I’m feeling like a foreigner even more than before.

Perhaps you don’t feel like you don’t belong in your home country as well. Maybe it’s just the community you are part of that doesn’t sit well with you. Changing your scenery and trying different communities might sound like a massive leap. But what sounds more appealing? Trying something scary that might bring you happiness or staying miserable in your current situation?

Sometimes, the problem is not that we don’t belong. It’s that we try to fit in the wrong groups.

4. You Are Changing Or Are Still Discovering Yourself

It’s taken me a long time to discover myself. I’m twenty-five, and yet, there are still some aspects of me I don’t fully understand.

People change all the time. Whenever you feel like you’ve finally found yourself, something happens, and your foundations shake. You change your opinions, and suddenly, it becomes difficult to relate to the people around you. It’s is normal, and you will go through similar phases multiple times in your life.

At one point in my life, I was a fashion blogger. I met fellow bloggers on social media and became friends with them. We would shoot outfits and go to blogger events together. But then, I realised I was no longer interested in creating fashion content, and eventually, those friendships fizzled out.

Don’t let this discourage you or even try to force the process of discovering yourself. These things take time. You can’t expect yourself to be the same person your entire life.

Now, it doesn’t mean you have to be lonely until you discover who you are. I don’t think it’s realistic to expect yourself to find someone who is exactly like you. There will always be something you don’t have in common. And that’s okay.

5. You Had a Difficult Childhood

Childhood trauma can be behind your lack of sense of belonging. Perhaps you have gone through something traumatising in your childhood or early adulthood. We carry this baggage into our adulthood, often without even realising it.

I didn’t realise how much my childhood affected me until I moved to the UK. Growing up, I’ve always been shy. My first year of university was the loneliest in my life. I felt like a weirdo. Suddenly, I was scared of people, and discussion classes were a nightmare.

I didn’t make any friends, and my sense of belonging dropped to zero. I ended up transferring to a university in London, and things changed for the better because that was when I became friends with fellow fashion bloggers.

Lately, I’ve been doing a lot of retrospection, and it’s been insightful. My parents separated when I was ten after a decade of marriage that wasn’t working out. I’ve seen and heard things a child should never witness.

In hindsight, I don’t think the divorce itself was the catalyst. It got triggered when both of my parents started new families. Suddenly, they both had new lives, and I felt left out. At first, I didn’t think the whole experience was that traumatic. But we often don’t realise how traumatic an incident is until well after it happened.

If you went through something traumatic in your childhood or even early adulthood, such as your parents' divorce, it might be why you feel like you don’t fit in.

Words of Encouragement

I don’t think you have to surround yourself with plenty of people to feel like you belong. I’m a true introvert and love spending time on my own. I thought there was something wrong with me when I was a teenager. Most of the people in my class had a lot of friends, and I didn’t. But I’ve come to discover that having one or two friends you genuinely connect with is much more valuable than having fifty shallow friendships.

Don’t force yourself to belong. I’ve tried it in the past, and it just doesn’t work. Even if you change your hair colour, the way you dress, or how you behave, you will be suppressing your authentic self. If you live in an environment where people don’t accept you no matter what you do, save yourself the energy and stop trying to fit in.

The real problem might be that you are just trying to fit in with the wrong communities. It might take some trial and error before you find the right one. The good thing is that we live in a digital age where you can connect with anyone anywhere in the world within a matter of minutes. Some people dislike social media for this reason, but I think it’s cool that you can easily find people all over the world who are just like you.

Final Thoughts

Not belonging isn’t always a bad thing. You’ll have to get out of your comfort zone and meet new people to see where you fit in. You will also have to let go of the idea of searching for people who are exactly like you. It’s normal not to agree on everything with your friends. And that’s fine. You’re searching for people who will accept who you are, not copies of yourself.