5 Reasons Why Nice Guys Finish Last
I looked him in the eyes and told him, I don’t owe you a dang thing.
At least, I wanted to. But, as a woman I found myself guilt tripped into talking to someone that showed genuine love, genuine emotion, and genuine politeness during our 8 month interaction even though I felt no emotion towards him. I am here today with a heart full of regret, and a head full of advice to give to those men who’s love is not reciprocated, but expected.
I met a coworker once, we’ll call him D, while working as a 19 year old EMT and heart broken over my abusive ex/bf. I was a victim of my circumstances, constantly drunk, lonely, and on the verge of suicide. So naturally, I accepted D’s advances to be friends and to watch movies and have late night conversations with. This is reason number 1 men feel women owe them something after being nice to them:
- Just because someone is lonely, doesn’t mean they want a relationship.
If you are looking for a relationship, look for it in someone who is emotionally available, vulnerable, and willing to accept a new love. Many times, as women we find solace in our own friends and also in outside relationships. To lead someone on is one thing, but to accept the kindness of someone is natural. The difference here is key.
Luckily, D understood that I was in a bad place in life, and wanted nothing but the best for me. He understood that I needed time to heal and only wanted a friend. But what bothers me, is that he soon stopped talking to me after this revelation, revealing his intentions were always to see me naked.
A hollow friendship does nothing but hurt both parties. DO NOT expect a friendship to automatically form into a relationship, and leave that for a more mature and emotionally stable woman. Nice guy-friends do not equate to nice boyfriends. Which leads me to my number 2 reason nice guys (think they) finish last:
2. Being nice is not the only personality trait a female is looking for.
Being a gentlemen will get you in the door with women who are looking for those characteristics in men. Every woman wants a soulmate that will be responsive, caring, loving and gentle to her. I remember D once drove from his home 22 miles away just to deliver me chocolate chip cookies from subway, unannounced after I mentioned a craving for them.
I loved this about him, but as a companion that went the extra mile. I have driven out the way to help my own friends in need, when they needed something, and I cared about them enough to tend to their needs. Why can’t this be equal to what nice guys provide?
Like I said, D was sweet, but he did not have the same music taste as me. The same interests in careers or hobbies as me. But he was fun to talk to, and he was polite and made me feel cared about, as any good friend should. There should not be the belief that just because you are nice, this is the only quality in a partner someone is looking for. This leads to the number 3 reason nice guys end up heartbroken:
3. You cannot force genuine love.
The same thing applies with women who throw themselves at men, and men who throw themselves at women: your love is not love if it is not reciprocated, it is infatuation and lust.
To love someone is to be nice and treat them right, but it is also to help them improve, grow, and face their faults. Many times we believe that our infatuation with someone means that they must be our true love. Like the scene from the movie Big Fish, time stops when we lay eyes on them for the first time. But, even if your love interest meets all the qualities of your dream girl, she is not meant for you if you don’t meet her expectations. But, do not be discouraged, as reason number 4 can give you hope:
4. Nice guys that focus too much on girls do not focus on themselves enough.
Nice guys finish last because they’re in the wrong race. They’re in the race to become the prize, the boyfriend, the husband. A lot of times this can come across as clingy, smothering, and bring a general feeling of awkwardness.
No one likes an overconfident douchebag, but no woman wants to feel obligated to respond and date someone because she feels smothered. It can even feel creepy, having to kick someone out of your apartment after a night out or having to call it a night after hours of hanging out (yikes). Good times have to come to an end, but nice guys expect endless romantic getaways.
When you meet someone who loves and is genuinely interested in you, time will fly by as your conversations align with one another. The same concept applies with forcing love, you can’t force your focus onto another person. Instead, work on your career, your friendships, your confidence, and so on. In the process of improving yourself, you will find your focus (and infatuation) to shift from women to yourself.
5. Nice guys expect to be hurt.
As painful as it is to admit, nice guys expect to be rejected even before beginning their crusade for love. Because they believe their personality to be fully developed, and focus on gaining a relationship based on their gentleman persona and commitment, there is an expectation that women need to respond to these advances because…it’s superior. In reality, it’s expected, but from a relationship, not a friend.
Because of the constant rejection, groups have now formed bashing women for failing to respond to the kindness of nice guys and for choosing to be involved with jerks (not true at all). Women have no responsibility and don’t owe you any favors for doing what any normal boyfriend does. Why? Because you’re not their partner, you’re supposed to be their friend.
This expectations vs reality scenario further shatters confidence while increasing animosity and distrust in women. But, I say to the nice guys out there: don’t be discouraged in the attitudes of women. Someone out there is meant for you, but you’ll only meet them when you enter a relationship with no expectations beforehand.
I have not talked to D in years, but last I heard he was on a caravan in Mexico doing charity work. I do appreciate the role he played in getting me out of my depression, but even then, it was clear that I could not talk to him too long and remain cordial. Even on nights where we shared a bottle of Captain Morgan, I never wanted a relationship. And I broke his heart.
But, I’m not sorry. I loved our friendship. But in the race for love, nice guys don’t finish last. I just come first.
