5 Reasons Sex Gets Better As You Get Older

Barring any health issues, sex can sometimes age like a fine Scotch.

I remember being in my late teens and early twenties and thinking that after age forty or so, people just stopped having sex. It’s like Logan’s Run, only instead of killing everyone at 21, it seemed like everyone quietly abided by an informal self-imposed castration at the age of 40.

If that sounds bizarre, I’ve got to say, yeah, I agree. I believed some really stupid things when I was younger (who didn’t?).

But as I grew older, I finally began to see the light.

I finally learned that sex can be great after we turn 40, and even far beyond.

It wasn’t until I started researching about sex as a full-grown adult, you know, the mature kind who’s finally turned 30, that I realized that a lot of elderly couples enjoy wonderful, robust sex lives, supposing they don’t have any health issues hampering their affection.

Here are five reasons why sex gets better as we get older…

1. Our Bodies Change

As we age, our bodies naturally start to produce less testosterone and estrogen, two hormones that are important in sexual arousal. This can lead to a decrease in libido and an increased likelihood of experiencing problems with erection or orgasm.

For some people, this can actually be a blessing. A lot of people are extremely sexual in their youths and find that the much milder sex life of old age is more their speed.

Reduced testosterone in men and reduced estrogen in women means that men and women move closer together in their hormone profiles, making us more alike as we get older than we are when we’re young.

Think about it…

When you were a kid, you weren’t that much different from the opposite sex or gender. Then you hit puberty and suddenly, your body and brain were rocked by all of these foreign changes that you didn’t understand.

Everything seemed intense. Feelings of attraction had to lead to everlasting love, otherwise, it was a catastrophe. All relationships felt like a constant state of emergency.

All of this is pretty uncomfortable. And sex hormones are largely to blame.

You were loaded up on liquid jet fuel running through your veins.

As we age, we transition from our adolescence to maturity, and our bodies usher in the changes necessary for that transformation to happen. Our bodies start returning to a state of sameness, and the polarization between the two sexes declines.

This, of course, depends on us doing it right and going with the flow.

Fact: every miserable person I’ve ever seen over 35 was someone who was trying to live like they were still 21.

They were in total denial that they were growing older and wanted to stay young forever.

But life doesn’t work that way. When we embrace our natural progression and learn to love the process, it all becomes easier.

2. We Get More Comfortable With Our Bodies

This process means that most people become more comfortable with their bodies over time. As we get older, we care less about impressing people in general.

We may become more accepting and comfortable in our own skin. This can lead to a greater willingness to experiment sexually and explore new boundaries.

This openness can also make sex safer and easier for both partners.

It’s like someone lowered the stakes. Everything doesn’t feel like a do-or-die situation.

Natural Cycles, a contraceptive and women’s health app, collected data from more than 2,600 women to try and gauge their sexual satisfaction, how attractive they felt, and how often they reached climax. The survey also asked about orgasm quality.

They then branched women into three age brackets:

• Younger than 23
• Between 23 and 36
• 36 and older

Your intuition might tell you that the younger people had more vigorous, enjoyable, and robust sex — but that’s not the case. The truth was, sex quality climbed with age.

The older the women in the study got, the better their sex lives, the more frequent (and more intense) their orgasms were, and the better they felt about their bodies.

3. Our Relationships May Deepen Over Time.

All great sex begins outside of the bedroom.

It begins with connection, with loving glances, deep stares, and warm cuddles. It begins with honest conversations, being responsible and willing to accept accountability, and proving to our partners that we care about their well-being — showing them that we’re with them for more than the simple convenience.

This isn’t just fluffy talk. Meta-analyses have shown that sexual communication is essential for a healthy, enjoyable sex life. And when people adopt more sexual communication, incorporating a deeper relationship into their bedrooms, sexual problems tend to go away.

Way too many people out there are riding the wave of relationship inertia. If you asked them what they love about their partner, they won’t jump up and excitedly tell you all the reasons they feel blessed to have met who they ended up with.

Over time, people get a lot more no-nonsense about their relationships.

We’ve had our time wasted.

We’ve had our hearts broken.

We’ve hurt.

We’ve cried.

And we’re really, really, really tired of it all.

We’re not going down that road again.

While partners may seem harder to come by as we age — because we usually get more selective — the richness of the relationships we do form become all the more invaluable.

4. With Experience Comes Wisdom (and Really Great Sex)

We may have more experience with different types of sex. As we get older, we often have more experience with different types of sex — which can lead to a greater understanding and appreciation for all sorts of sexual activities.

This can make sex more enjoyable and diverse for both partners. We may have gained some new skills. And I’m not just talking about sex moves, here…

As we age, we often gain new skills in areas such as communication, negotiation, and problem-solving. These skills can help us to better understand the people we’re interacting with on a sexual level.

I remember when I was in my mid-20s and I had a crush on this stunningly beautiful woman. We talked for a few months — as friends, mind you — though I always wanted something more significant. I couldn’t work up the nerve to ask her out.

I was too insecure.

Eventually, I watched as she got swept up by a gentleman twice my age. They went out and started hooking up. At this point, most guys would tell you that they were devastated. But that’s not what happened.

I was happy for her, as a friend, more than anything else. I was also deeply curious about their relationships.

Fortunately, my friend filled me in on all the exquisite details.

She said that he’d been around the block enough to know exactly what to do to please her. He knew how to make her feel comfortable because their friends-with-benefits situation wasn’t pretentious — they didn’t try to make it out to be more than it was.

Everything flowed naturally for them.

I’ll quote her, “He knows how to rock my world in a way that no young guy I’ve ever met could.”

Again, it all started outside the bedroom and flowed into the bedroom with ease, where, yet again, experience helped them have some mind-blowing sex that they’ll both remember for a lifetime.

5. Greater Intimacy Through Sexual Difficulties

It’s almost paradoxical, that having sexual difficulties can help us to have better sex. But it’s true on several levels.

On the one hand, working through sexual speed bumps with a partner can help bring the two of you closer together. It’s a glimpse into someone else’s world — you get to see them in a vulnerable state.

And if you can bond through this experience, it can help lead to better sex.

Sexual difficulties don’t always mean erectile dysfunction or total anorgasmia.

Sometimes, it’s a matter of taking longer to become aroused or arthritis. Issues like these force partners to become closer to one another and work with each other in order to make sex happen.

Of course, like everything else on this list, it’s a double-edged sword. It could go both ways. When couples work together maturely to age gracefully, they often end up building the sex life of their wildest dreams.

Unfortunately, many couples don’t do this. They fight. They continue to blame each other. They point fingers at one another. They hold each other responsible for all of life’s difficulties. And they end up lonely, bitter, confused, and unhappy in the long run.

But like I said before…

We’re tired of that.

We’ve had our time wasted.

We’ve had our hearts broken.

We’ve hurt.

We’ve cried.

And we’re really, really, really tired of it all.

We’re not going down that road again.

Thank you for reading. Sign up to my Medium email list, so you don’t miss a beat, and check out my new Substack publication, The Science of Sex.

Three books I recommend checking out:

• Tell Me What You Want: The Science of Sexual Desire and How It Can Help You Improve Your Sex Life
• Sex at Dawn: How We Mate, Why We Stray, and What It Means for Modern Relationships
• A Billion Wicked Thoughts: What the Internet Tells Us About Sexual Relationships

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