5 Reasons I’d Never Make it as a Conservative

Twitter is rife with stories of Democrats who switch teams. The most noteworthy being those who were elected before changing parties.

I wondered what it would take for someone to switch lanes in such a dramatic way and ran myself through a set of prerequisites to see if I could make the conservative cut.

1. I’d need to believe that somebody or some thing is always out to get me. > Lefties, the government, the deep state. I’d need to see a threat behind every door. > I’d need to be a victim. > It’s a fridge too far. >> Compatibility Rating: Fail.
2. Intense, sustained and voluminous outrage. > That looks like a lot of effort. Imagine how much energy it takes to shoot up a case of beer, film it, distribute it and go out on a grievance tour. I don’t have time for that. I’ve got a dishwasher to unload. >> Compatibility Rating: Fail.
3. It’s always somebody else’s fault. > Whatever it is that happens, there’s always someone to blame for it. > I’m kind of impatient. If I spent my life waiting for people to get out of the way, take the fall or accept responsibility for whatever happened to me, I’d be waiting a long time. > I failed the outrage test and looks like I’ve failed this one too. I may be too pragmatic to be a conservative. I think it’s enshrined in the conservative bylaws: Pragmatism is the enemy of conservatism. >> Compatibility Rating: Fail.
4. I’m no good at poker. At least at having a poker face. > I’m bereft of hubris. > Even if I could keep up with the rapidly changing grievance position of any given moment, I couldn’t make the requisite claims with a straight face — day is night, black is white, this happened even though we saw that — the creator deprived me of a pretzel brain. I naively thought 1984 was a warning, not a roadmap. >> Compatibility Rating: Fail.
5. You need to care about stuff I’m not motivated by. > The Barbie movie is a secret plot to kill off the patriarchy! > I don’t want to take notes when I go to the cinema. > I don’t want to make grievance videos in my car. > I don’t want to go viral for foaming at the mouth at the local Kmart. > Lord, spare me a life of perpetuity, bouncing around the echo chamber. >> Compatibility R̶a̶g̶i̶n̶g̶ Rating: Fail

Maybe I’m focused on the wrong initiation goals?

Maybe it’s not meant to be.