ANIMALS

5 Reasons Cats Are the G.O.A.T.

Indisputable proof that cats are better than dogs

Humanity can only be scientifically divided into two groups — dog people and cat people. I’ve heard of monsters pretending to be human that don’t like dogs or cats, but we see right through their ruse, so we won’t include them.

Team Dog dominates with an inflated superiority that cites a relationship going back at least 29,000 years. Dogs were the first animals humans domesticated, they say. Cats didn’t start towing the company line till much later.

While this may be true, it’s more a reflection of the fact that cats held out longer. It may even be that cats waited until they were venerated as gods in Ancient Egyptian society to announce their arrival into our messy entourage.

There are many reasons cats are better than dogs. The five I list here are just the most indisputable.

For example, I’ve excluded the urban legends of our cousin’s best friend’s older sister who shocked the guests at her surprise birthday party when they turned on the lights to discover her dog sharing her secret peanut butter fetish.

She would certainly classify a dog’s eagerness to lick anything you smear with peanut butter as a point for Team Dog. I would toss that one in the cat’s corner. But to each their own.

1. A cat has never, anywhere, in any situation, looked at a piece of poop and thought “Yummy!”

I could really just stop here. Even our cousin’s best friend’s older sister would have to agree, although she likely didn’t consider the possibility of fecal contamination when she enlisted her dog to clean the peanut butter out of her sandwich.

2. Cats can purr.

The frequency of a cat’s purring is between 25 and 140Hz, the same frequency found to aid in bone repair and strengthen tendons and joints in humans and animals. A cat’s purr releases endorphins that decrease stress hormone levels caused by the incessant barking of the chihuahua next door.

3. Cats don’t need to be potty trained.

This is an example of how cats are not just better than dogs, but also superior to kids. I was going to try to leave kids out of this, but if the diaper fits, wear it, right? Not only do cats go in the right place without having to be told a million times, but they are also polite enough to bury it.

Cats use their bathroom habits to communicate with us. For instance, the first night my future husband spent the night at my house, he’d left his clothes in a pile near my bed and his glasses in my kitchen. (Hopefully taking his glasses off hadn’t been a reflection of how I looked undressed.)

Anyway, without the aid of his glasses, my dimly lit room made it impossible for him to recognize that the tootsie roll lying perfectly centered on his clothes was actually a log of poop until he picked it up and held it close to his face.

Some might mark that as a point against our feline better halves, but my cat was on it. Funny thing is, if I’d listened to her very clear opinion, I wouldn’t have needed nearly as much purr therapy as I did in the following years.

4. Cats work better than alarms.

I swear I detect the slightest hint of a snort from my iPhone every time I set my alarm(s). It seems to be saying “Do you have no shame?” No matter how good night me’s intentions are, morning me has no interest in them. But every night I’m just as wildly optimistic as the few times I’ve bought a lotto ticket, which is about as confident as Arnold Schwarzenegger in a speedo contest.

I could be in the middle of judging that contest, as far away as anyone could get from the sad reality that I never will be a speedo contest judge, and the sound of my cat starting to barf on my sleeping body will tear me outta my bed faster than our trusty old Governator on a Hollywood waitress.

5. We deserve cats.

My cats and I love to party. And when all seven of us get together, the laughter never stops. We binge-watch comedies like Netflix’s Inside the Mind of a Cat. We don’t need to say anything to each other, we all know the experts are clueless.

As if anyone could ever know what a cat is thinking. If we did know, I wouldn’t have so many scars from being lured in to pet a seemingly innocent kitty only to have her go all Freddie Kruger on my arm.

Cats are the OG gangsters. They defend their turf with violence. Assign punishment with no remorse. Enjoy torturing their targets. And just the scent of mistreatment will send them packing.

They don’t need us. They only tolerate us if we treat them like the aristocrats that they are. We don’t deserve unconditional love and loyalty. We deserve cats.

“Every feline is a masterpiece.” Leonardo da Vinci (aka the Lion of Vinci)

Cats give us what we deserve. Dogs give us what we don’t. Our movies are stacked with flawless superheroes who embody the unachievable character traits we admire in our heroes. No human could ever be that selfless, loyal, brave, grateful, loving and happy. But every dog is.

You know that perfect friend who’s beautiful, has amazing kids, an adoring husband, and she’s nice? And she’s probably missing a kidney after donating it to a starving orangutan in Indonesia? Yeah, her. Just her very existence makes you feel like an asshole.

That’s what dogs do. Dogs are too good. Cats are unapologetic assholes. And I love them for it. If you’re looking for the kind of dysfunctional relationship you know you deserve, cats are your huckleberry.

You don’t want to end up like your cousin’s best friend’s older sister, do you? Peanut butter and a little taboo pleasure will never make up for the years of therapy you will need from always falling short of the perfection of your dog.

Cat people may not be in the majority, but we know we are winning. You can’t just jump ship now and come aboard our team. You need to be accepted into the club. You need to be chosen.

So when you’re ready to admit you prefer the company of royal assholes, toss that peanut butter and pick up a pack of Band-Aids. At least the cat scratches running down your arms might make all those filthy ogres who don’t like dogs or cats avoid your company.

“TV can make me ill in five minutes, but I can look at an animal for hours and find nothing but grace and glory, life as it should be.” Charles Bukowski