5 Observations as a Full-Time Stay-at-Home Dad

Gross gender disparities, misplaced societal priorities, and more

A little over a month ago, I quit my 11+ year corporate career to be a full-time dad and husband.

It was a decision that came as a surprise to many but was not only the best, but the only choice for me.

With a 5-year-old and 9-month-old at home, it felt criminal to miss out on the most precious moments with them. I would be spending that time in pursuit of money and professional success instead and that didn’t feel right.

Unconventional as it may be, it has been the best decision I have made so far in my life.

In the brief period I have spent as a stay-at-home dad, I have had some eye-opening observations that must be shared.

#1 — Gender equality is still only lip service

Only 10% of Fortune 500 CEOs are women, and only 5% of all full-time stay-at-home parents are men.

One constant in my first month has been the school runs for my 5-year-old. I drop him at his kindergarten every morning and also pick him up three hours later.

There’s a queue at the door before they open up and let us in to pick the kids up.

The queue is quite interesting. It usually has 80–90% women and 10–20% men.

The women are mostly mothers, helpers (maids or nannies as some may call them), and grandmothers. The men are grandfathers, with the exception being me, and maybe one other dad occasionally.

I’ve also had the privilege to join some of these parents and primary caregivers over a “parents’ coffee date” that the school had arranged. It was a group discussion of sorts for everyone to know each other better and share parenting tips, tricks, and pains.

There were, among the parents, a bunch of career women who had taken a break or quit their careers to be full-time mothers.

There weren’t, however, any men that had done the same.

I have done so since, but only now — five years after having our first child.

We talk about a “supportive work environment” for women and beat the drums about promoting women leaders in the corporate world.

But, in reality, from what I have seen both in my nearly 12-year corporate career and my short one month as a full-time dad – it is all still lip service.

Only 10% of Fortune 500 CEOs are women, and only 5% of all full-time stay-at-home parents are men.

#2 — Women are far more welcoming and far less condescending

I have also had the privilege of being the one to accompany my kids to their playdates, afterschool activities for my son, and daily visits to the neighborhood playground.

Again, the other kids mostly have their moms or their (female) helpers accompanying them.

Often being the lone man among these women, I was not only made to feel welcome and at ease but was also often commended for choosing my kids and family over my career.

This is a huge shift from the years I spent in the corporate world – specifically the finance industry.

There, at a conference or a dinner, it was mostly men with an odd woman or two around the table.

My wife happens to be one of those few women in finance in a leadership role.

She went to an industry leaders’ dinner recently where nearly all her peers were men, who were also much older than her.

She noticed how in a roundtable discussion setting, most speakers made little to no eye contact with the lone woman in the group.

It was as if she either didn’t exist or even if she did, her existence didn’t matter much anyway.

That is the condescending corporate man’s world we live in.

#3 — Corporate jobs are a joke compared to homemaking

Men who are the sole professionals in a household will often like to make their homemaker wives or partners believe that they are doing the family a favor by going out and sweating it for the household’s sake.

That couldn’t be farther from the truth.

I was at a top global firm in one of the most grueling industries there is (investment banking/finance). Yet, what I did at work was a joke in comparison to the stress and diligence that running a household requires.

I had plenty of physical and mental breaks during my full-time job and hardly ended the day exhausted.

With being a full-time dad, I can’t seem to catch a breath all day and am exhausted by the end of the day so bad, that it hardly takes me minutes to doze off to sleep at night.

The reality is that full-time jobs or professions are a great excuse for people to escape the responsibilities and challenges of running a home or raising kids.

Ask a parent when schools shut down for unforeseen reasons, and you will know from the dread in their eyes.

#4 — The satisfaction from love far exceeds that from money

I had the fortune of drawing some rather handsome salaries at the peak of my career. There was surely a kick in taking home that hefty bonus or seeing a solid paycheck deposited at the end of the month.

But that high was temporary.

Now that I voluntarily gave that up, it is hardly something I miss.

On the contrary, every moment spent with my kids, as challenging as it may be, is infinitely more precious and rewarding.

You can’t put a price on it.

#5 — We live in a world of misplaced priorities

A huge part of such a significant pivot in your life is breaking the news to your friends and family over time.

And then there are the strangers who ask the casual “So what do you do?”

The answer, most often, extracts an unusual response from people — varied, but almost always, unusual.

Sometimes it is that of positive surprise, and other times of a rude shock. Some almost assume you’re kidding or that it may only be a “temporary arrangement.”

Yet, the most common, unexpressed but implicit reaction is that of envy.

In an ideal world, a lot of people would want to be able to do what I am doing.

Some just aren’t in a position to – yet others can comfortably do so, but can’t get themselves to do it.

Why?

Because we live in a world of misplaced priorities.

We’re paid thousands of dollars to do a job that may or may not mean a thing in the grand scheme of our lives.

Yet, homemakers are “paid” nothing and are tagged as unemployed for all practical purposes.

We go work for a large corporation to create more and more of what is our notion of “value” and “wealth” and outsource the true value in growing and nurturing our next generations to others.

This is an irony I see more and more every day.

I am sure there is a lot for me to learn in my new innings of life and a lot more to observe. But, I do hope, that as time passes by, what I am doing is not an exception, but is normalized by society.

Because, I’ve always believed, that it is an important step towards true gender equality if we’re ever to dream of it being a reality.