Summary

The article outlines five common mistakes to avoid when attempting to rekindle past friendships, emphasizing the importance of understanding the reasons for the initial separation, managing expectations, and respecting the changes both parties have undergone.

Abstract

In the spirit of new beginnings, the article encourages readers to thoughtfully approach the rekindling of past friendships. It advises against resurrecting every past relationship without considering the reasons for the separation, such as manipulative behavior or irreconcilable differences. The author cautions against seeking catharsis or closure as the sole motivation for renewing contact, as this can lead to disappointment. Setting realistic expectations is crucial, as not all attempts will be successful, and it's important to respect the other person's response, whether they are open to reconnecting or not. The article also suggests avoiding a project management mindset when reaching out, instead adapting to the other person's communication style and life changes. Lastly, it highlights the necessity of acknowledging personal growth and changes in both oneself and the friend, to avoid getting stuck in outdated patterns.

Opinions

The author believes that some relationships end for valid reasons and may not need to be revisited.
Rose-tinted memories can distort the past, making it important to reflect on the true nature of the friendship before attempting to reconnect.
Seeking emotional resolution through rekindling a friendship is seen as an unfair and often ineffective approach.
Expectations should be tempered with realism, recognizing that the other person may not share the same desire or have the capacity to reconnect.
Patience and adaptability are key in the process of re-establishing communication, with a focus on the other person's current lifestyle and preferences.
The author emphasizes the importance of not clinging to the past, suggesting that both individuals will have changed and that this should be embraced rather than resisted.
The article suggests that successful reconnections can lead to rewarding relationships, but also acknowledges that some attempts may fail, and that it's important to grieve those losses when they occur.

5 Mistakes to Avoid When You’re Trying to Rekindle a Friendship

Mending bridges can get complicated.

Now is a great time to reconnect with friends (or relatives) who’ve fallen off your radar.

You’re still full of goodwill from the holidays. You’ve had some time to reflect and get your priorities in order. You have the energy to start rebuilding bridges. The person you miss might feel the same. Ideally, you’ll end up bringing them back into your life, and your friendship can continue healthier than ever.

I don’t want to put a damper on this January optimism. But I’ve done this a couple of times, and there are some life lessons I’d like to share with you.

#1. DON’T assume that every relationship needs to be resurrected.

Before you get in touch with people you haven’t spoken to in a while, give yourself a reality check.

Some relationships end for a good reason. And it’s not always easy to remember those reasons months or years down the line. Rose-tinted glasses are a real psychological phenomenon, and they make the past seem simpler and kinder than it was.

If your former friend had manipulative tendencies, you’re better off without them.

But maybe nobody was at fault. Perhaps you had irreconcilable differences of opinion, very different lifestyles, or schedules that never lined up.

If you’re prone to fixing problems, you may want to give the friendship a second try now. Before you do, ask a simple question: has something significant changed since last time? If not, it’s probably better to let sleeping dogs lie.

#2. DON’T aim for catharsis.

The biggest breakup of my life happened when I was seven years old. My best friend and I got into a screaming fight, I ran home feeling betrayed and hopeless, and it took me a few weeks to find a new best friend.

I miss feeling that kind of intensity and clarity. But nothing’s that simple in adulthood.

Most of my adult friendships ended quietly. There was no particular reason for it, no hurt feelings — at least, nothing that got spoken out loud. We just slowly left each other’s lives. And sometimes I catch myself wanting to resurrect these friendships just because I want some kind of dramatic ending. Or I want to get the last word in.

That’s a shitty reason to restart a relationship. It’s unfair to the other person, and besides, you’re guaranteed to end up disappointed. For emotional breakthroughs, do some soul-searching, don’t rely on others to do it for you.

#3. DON’T set your expectations too high.

Some attempts at mending friendships just won’t work out, even though you’re approaching your mission with all the right goals.

The other person may remember what went down differently than you do. They won’t necessarily want to explain why they don’t want to talk to you. If they draw a clear boundary, and say that they don’t want to talk, accept it and move on.

On the other hand, they may seem just as enthusiastic as you are… and still fail at getting back to you in time. It’s understandable. People get overwhelmed this time of the year. They may feel like their social skills got worse during the pandemic.

If you were the first to reach out, be patient. Try a few times, give them time to respond. Use low-pressure conversation starters. If there’s still no response, accept that you’ve been ghosted (for whatever reason), and move on with your life.

#4. DON’T Approach it like a project you’re running.

Inflexibility ruined one of my attempts to restart a friendship. It took me years to realize where I went wrong.

I’m the take-charge type, and I’m used to making decisions like ‘when will we meet up?’ and ‘what are we eating tonight?’. People usually like the way I organize everything for them.

But that’s not the right approach to take when you’re just getting back in touch with someone.

They might have a lot on their plate. Maybe their habits have changed. Adapt to whatever their needs are and you’ll have more success. For example, if they prefer phone calls, don’t insist on video chat. If they send short but regular messages, respond in the same style.

It’ll take time to work out a communication pattern that works for you both. You can’t plan it until you get to know the person all over again.

#5. DON’T cling too hard to the past.

That brings me to the biggest mistake you can make: ignoring the changes you both went through.

The friend from your memories is long gone. They’re replaced by someone older, who has weathered a pandemic just like you have. Expect to be surprised in good and bad ways.

You may be surprised by yourself too. Be patient, be honest with yourself. Don’t get locked into old patterns if they aren’t fun anymore.

If It Works Out…

You may be able to build amazing new relationships with old friends. So be bold, be kind, reach out to past loved ones, and start this year on a note of reconciliation.

If It Doesn’t Work Out…

You may have to put aside some friendships forever. If you do, give yourself time to feel sad about it. That’s what I’m trying to do this year, and I keep coming back to this quote from Shawshank Redemption:

I have to remind myself that some birds aren’t meant to be caged. Their feathers are just too bright. And when they fly away, the part of you that knows it was a sin to lock them up does rejoice. But still, the place you live in is that much more drab and empty that they’re gone. I guess I just miss my friend.

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