5 Life Lessons I’ve Learned Struggling with Panic Disorder
I’m afraid to go grocery shopping. Yeah, it’s pretty embarrassing. The minute I walk through those whooshing front doors my heart begins to pound and I feel sick to my stomach. The harsh, fluorescent lights feel much too bright as I start to frantically wonder, “why is everyone staring at me?” All I want is to be able to get what I need and leave but suddenly I’m convinced I am going to die right there in front of the toppling pyramid of bananas in the produce section.
Almost five years ago I was diagnosed with agoraphobia; a subset of anxiety disorder called Panic Disorder. The term agoraphobia is from the Greek ἀγορά, or “fear of the marketplace” (which in my case wouldn’t seem too far from the truth, right?). Unfortunately, this disorder’s negative impact broadens much deeper into the sufferer’s personal life than just a simple switch to online grocery pickup could remedy! Agoraphobics typically grow to fear any situation or place that a panic attack may occur — which can quickly lead to life becoming devastatingly restricted.
1 out of 5 American adults suffer from a diagnosable mental illness. So why does it still feel so isolating? I have spent many late nights wondering “why me?” and wracking my brain for the right solution to this life-altering anxiety problem that makes it difficult for me to perform normal tasks such as shopping, spending time away from home, driving, socializing and more. During these personal reflections, I’ve started to ask myself “Have I learned anything of positive value during this time of difficulty?” Here is a list of five life lessons I was surprised to have learned simply from struggling with a mental illness;
- Lesson #1: Empathy for Others
Love thy neighbor as thy self. It’s the “golden rule”- seemingly easy and yet so difficult to put into practice. If there is one thing I have learned in my struggle with an anxiety disorder it has been the importance of practicing empathy for other people. When I am having a panic attack in the grocery store it feels like I am dying on the inside — but chances are the person casually picking out their bananas next to me is completely unaware that I am going through an internal catastrophe! Even though it seems everyone around me is watching in horror as I fall apart, I’ve come to the realization that most of the time, they just can’t tell. I understand that every single person I encounter is more-than-likely dealing with something unpleasant or troubling in their lives — even if I can’t see it at a glance. In short, I’ve learned to treat people with the patience and compassion I desire for myself.
- Lesson #2: Lose the Need for Control
I had an epiphany recently — that perhaps much of my anxiety problem stems from the false belief that I must always be in control of everything happening in my life. I fear death and dying before “I’m ready”. I worry about what other people think of me. The amount of control I can exercise over any given situation lessens these feelings of uneasiness in my life. This sense (quite frankly, this “illusion”) of control might feel good at first but I’ve learned that it is a mental trap. The truth remains we can never be 100% certain of anything, no matter how hard we try. Surrendering the need for control in every aspect of my life has taught me to live a happier, more stress-free life.
- Lesson #3: Be Humble; It’s OK to Ask for Help
The third thing I have learned living with an anxiety disorder is that it’s entirely appropriate and healthy to ask for help when you are facing a difficulty. Of the 7.8 billion other people on this planet countless others have walked a similar path and can offer solace in your struggle. Social media accounts and forums offer a convenient way to connect with people that are dealing with similar issues. For anxiety disorders in particular, I have found Drew Linsalata’s @theanxioustruth on Instagram and Facebook to be so helpful. With mental health advocacy on the rise, professional help has become increasingly accessible (*cheers*)! Therapists have demonstrated success in treating a variety of mental health issues with methods such as CBT and interoceptive exposure. It’s never too late to ask for help.
- Lesson #4: A Phoenix Rising — Difficult Circumstances Make Us Stronger
A study published in The Journal of Personality and Social Psychology discovered that those who reported two to six stressful events scored higher on measurements of resilience and overall well being than those that have not experienced adversity in recent years. “In short, the findings suggest that mental toughness is something like the physical strength: it cannot develop without exercise”. While it may not be healthy to live in a constant state of stress with no coping mechanisms or reprieve, the fact remains that tough times can make us stronger. Like a mythical being rising from the ashes, I know that I will come away from this challenging experience a more adept version of myself.
- Lesson #5: To Be Human is to Be Constantly Learning
Sometimes I like to fantasize about what my life was like before the agoraphobia came along (and ruined everything! — kidding, not kidding). I think “if I could just get back to her — the girl I was before the mental illness — I would be so much happier”. But I’ve come to a surprising realization; that person — the happy-go-lucky, “agora-what?” girl I used to be…is gone forever. Every experience we have is shaping us into newer, (hopefully, better) versions of our past selves. These difficult circumstances are an opportunity to learn something about the world, about myself. Perhaps one day I will be able to take what I learn and pass it along to someone else!
These are just five “life lessons” I have learned by living my life through the lens of an anxiety disorder. Five things I will be able to take with me and apply throughout the rest of my life. I hope that in reading this you will be inspired to take a look into your own life and find the hidden gems of truth buried deep within your hardship.
“I will love the light for it shows me the way, yet I will endure the darkness because it shows me the stars.”
-Og Mandino.