5 Life Lessons I Wish I’d Known a Decade Ago
The easiest opportunities to miss are right in front of you
Do you beat yourself up when you make the same mistakes over and over?
“There are some things which cannot be learned quickly,” Ernest Hemingway wrote in A Death in the Afternoon, “And time, which is all we have, must be paid heavily for their acquiring.”
Though he was writing about his experience as a novelist, you can say the same of life in general. There are things we all have to learn, and time is the currency you have to pay.
In my first job out of college, I worked as a youth director for a church. I had it in my head that I was supposed to be a Senior Pastor (the one who gives sermons every Sunday). I was blind to the benefit of starting in a lower-level position to build career capital. So I didn’t dig in. I didn’t surround myself with other people in my field who were doing their jobs with excellence. I got by, but getting by doesn’t get you anywhere in life.
I always wanted to be somewhere else. That pattern played out over and over in my 20s. Eventually, it caught up with me.
You don’t have to identify with the details of my story to benefit from the life lessons I’ve learned.
Be where you are
“Do what you can, with what you have, where you are.” -Theodore Roosevelt
If you don’t read anything else, read this: do what’s right in front of you, even if it isn’t what you want to do. It isn’t forever. What you learn here will help you get where you want to go.
My biggest mistake is that I always wanted to do something other than what I was doing. Instead of digging in and doing my best where I was, I skimmed by on top until I could move on to the next thing.
Your first job out of college can impact the rest of your career. So it’s important to put a lot of effort into choosing something that will benefit you. That benefit also comes from gaining the skills you need to get where you want to go.
The easiest opportunities to miss are the ones right in front of you.
Build your network
“Poverty, I realized, wasn’t only a lack of financial resources; it was isolation from the kind of people who could help you make more of yourself.” -Keith Ferrazzi
For over the two years, I made my daily schedule as the pastor of a small start-up church.
I spent a lot of that time working on marketing, websites, and social media. I should have used it to build a better network. When the start-up failed and had to close, my mistakes finally caught up with me.
I didn’t have a strong enough network to help me land another job in my field. I ended up in a new job far from home and in a field I knew nothing about.
You’ve heard the old saying: “Your network is your net worth.” We’ll, old sayings stick around because they’re true.
Work hard to meet other people in your field. I can honestly say, every job I’ve ever landed came through someone I knew. When my network ran out, so did my opportunities after my start-up failed.
You never know who will be able to help you.
Obsessive commitment
“Being obsessed is the only way to create enough success today to ever be an inspiration to others and actually make a difference on this planet.” -Grant Cardone
When you’re a young adult, you obsess over all the wrong things. Most people obsess over an ambiguous future where they make a lot of money while doing something they love.
It’s easy to obsess over an idea or an image of yourself.
Obsess over the process. Obsess over becoming more tomorrow than you are today.
When I started as a youth director, it wasn’t where I wanted to be. Instead of digging in and doing my best where I was, I skimmed by on top until I could move on to the next thing.
Obsess over becoming the best you can wherever you find yourself. You’ll learn things that will help you become the person you need to be so you can move on.
Detach from outcomes
“Expect everything and attach to nothing” -Carrie Campbell
Things won’t work out the way you plan. The road someone else followed to success won’t be your road.
If you need something to turn out a specific way, chances are you’re in for a disappointment. But when you know why you want something, it matters little how you achieve it.
As Nietzsche said, “He who has a why to live can bear almost any how.”
Why you do something it’s more important and powerful than how you achieve it. Expect things to go wrong, but have confidence you can handle whatever obstacles are thrown at you. You can if you know why you want it.
Drop your entitlement
Our ego wants the ideas and the fact that we aspire to do something about them to be enough…It wants to be paid well for its time and it wants to do the fun stuff — the stuff that gets attention, credit, or glory. -Ryan Holiday
You are not special. The world will not open up doors for you simply because you exist. Life doesn’t give you a prize for showing up.
You’re less talented than you think. Studies show most people overestimate their abilities. Which explains why you applied for that job even though you didn’t meet the basic qualifications. But hey, sometimes things work out.
In my 20s, I thought my public speaking skills and my leadership talent would make me successful. I felt I shouldn’t have to do the other work. I was wrong. A consistent and determined effort, combined with good relationships is what makes you successful.
What I got right: Marriage
My wife and I will celebrate our 10th anniversary next year. I got married at 24, and I don’t regret it. Why?
She supports my dreams at every turn. And she loves me when I fail. She is strong where I am weak. And we’re building a family and a future together.
It’s true that divorce rates are on the decline. Still, I understand marriage isn’t for everyone. But it has made life better for me. Is it easy? No. But anything worth having takes work.
There’s no such thing as “the one.” I can’t tell you who you should marry. But when you find someone whose strengths complement your weaknesses, put in the extra effort to make that relationship something special.
Conclusion
To say I didn’t know any of this a decade ago would be a lie. I knew them, but I didn’t act on them. The same is true for you. You know what to do, all it takes is a willingness to deny your ego and do what you must.
Right now is the most important time. What you do with today is up to you. But if you’ve made mistakes in the past like me, be encouraged, there’s always another chance.