5 Lessons I’ve Learned from Spending My Life Comparing Myself to Others
How to and why you should stop comparing yourself to others and start loving yourself instead
I’ve spent the majority of my life comparing myself to others and/or being compared to others. Most things felt like a competition — either someone was winning at my expense or vice versa.
In 5th grade, I was amongst thousands jumping through hoops for the 190 spots available at the best public middle school in my district.
Somehow, I managed to get in. However, celebrations were short-lived — when I got into said school, I befriended a girl who was already scoring a 1400/1600 on the SAT. I thought to myself, “How is she 4 years ahead of schedule?? Why am I not as smart as she is?”
I ended up in an NYC Specialized High School where students compared grades left and right. In fact, my AP Chemistry teacher, known to be notoriously difficult, would publicly announce the names of those who had scored 90+ on her exams. You bet people were keeping mental tabs on each other, myself included.
When I got to college, the comparisons continued to multiple. I judged myself for majoring in psychology when others around me chose to major in economics and landed corporate internships. I judged myself for taking days to write a paper when others would effortlessly pull an all-nighter.
When I landed a consulting job through on-campus recruiting during my senior year, although immensely grateful, I was also aware that it wasn’t with one of the top three consulting firms. I felt like those who had landed a job with the top three firms had something that I didn’t.
When I left said consulting job after 1.5 years, I judged myself for not being to stick it out, especially because I knew that my other consulting friends were as miserable as I was. Why was I the first to call it quits?
It wasn’t until after I decided to leave my consulting job that I started to realize the futility of comparing myself to others. Why did I compare myself to my consulting friends if I didn’t even want to stay at my consulting job? Why did I judge myself for quitting a job that I hated? To let go of the job, something that wasn’t serving me, meant that I was alive. It meant that I wanted something more out of my life.
Since then, I’ve been on a journey to end the comparisons that I’ve been so accustomed to making and start loving myself, for the person that I am, right here, right now. Through that process, here are the 5 lessons that I’ve learned along the way:
1) What is possible for others is also possible for you.
Rather than feeling jealous because someone has something that I want and wallowing in feelings of scarcity and lack, it has been more conducive to shift my thoughts to the idea that what is possible for others is also possible for me. If even one other person has done something that I aspire to do, it means that it’s possible for someone else to do it too. (It doesn’t, of course, mean that it’s not going to take effort and persistence!)
2) It’s important to find clarity in terms of what you actually want in life and be unapologetic about wanting said thing.
Case in point: I judged myself for being the first in my cohort to quit my consulting job. I thought that there was something wrong with me — Why didn’t I have the tenacity that my consulting friends had? If I had been unapologetic about wanting to leave the consulting world, then I wouldn’t have cared what others around me were doing.
What another individual has, although as great as it may be, may not be something that I actually want. So rather than focusing on what they have and what I don’t have, instead, I can be happy for them and focus my attention on going after what it is that I truly want.
3) Everyone has different karma and dharma, and you get to honor yours.
From a spiritual perspective, I believe that we have different karma, from past lives and in this lifetime. Karma has brought me into this lifetime as Angela Choi, birthed to Chinese immigrant parents in New York City.
Was it fair for me to compare myself to others majoring in economics and landing corporate internships when my parents had blue-collar jobs and I cared about giving back to undeserved communities, especially because I came from one? No.
Was I honoring my dharma (my path) when I made those comparisons? Absolutely not. It’s not fair to compare ourselves to others when our upbringings and life experiences are vastly different. Our upbringings and life experiences have granted (or denied) us access to different resources and have shaped us into the people that we are today, which brings me to my next point –
4) Comparing yourself to others is a violation against your Highest Self.
I believe that to be alive in this world is nothing short of a miracle — there was a 1 in 400 trillion chance that particular sperm hit that particular egg to bring me into this world. Call it God, The Universe, Higher Power, Spirit — there’s a force bigger than I am that wanted to bring me into this world. When comparing myself to others, I am violating my Highest Self, the entity that was brought forth into this world and is infinitely connected to a Higher Power.
5) Loving yourself means choosing NOT to follow the thoughts that do not serve you.
We have very little control over the thoughts that pop into our minds. For example: If I asked you NOT to think of a white polar bear, chances are, a white polar bear just popped into your mind. What you do have control over is whether or not you want to continue thinking about the white polar bear or drop the thought of the white polar bear and focus your attention on something else instead.
Negative thoughts that I have about myself have never ceased to crop up in my mind. What I’ve chosen to focus on instead is loving myself enough in order to not run with the thoughts that do not serve me.
Self-love is something with which many of us struggle. One of the simplest ways to love ourselves is to speak to ourselves the way that we would speak to a loved one or good friend. If your best friend told you that she felt like she wasn’t smart/capable enough to apply for her dream job, would you let her go down a rabbit hole with that thought? Of course not! Why, then, would you do that with yourself? Love yourself the way that you love others.
May these lessons help you put an end to the comparisons that you’ve been making against other people.
May these lessons help you turn inward and see your infinite potential and what you bring to this world.
May these lessons remind you to love yourself the way you deserved to be loved.