Summary

The article discusses strategies for effectively communicating with and guiding a headstrong and confident child, particularly a daughter, while preserving her self-confidence.

Abstract

The author reflects on her experiences raising a headstrong 9-year-old daughter, emphasizing the importance of maintaining a balance between asserting parental authority and allowing the child to learn from her own decisions. The article outlines five key lessons: avoiding overpowering the child's will, letting the child learn from her mistakes, finding middle ground through negotiation, showing vulnerability to foster trust, and engaging in rational discussions without criticism. These approaches aim to guide the child without diminishing her confidence, preparing her for future challenges while keeping her safe from significant risks.

Opinions

The author believes that a child's headstrong behavior is a sign of high self-confidence, which should be nurtured rather than suppressed.
It is suggested that children should be given reasons for parental guidance rather than being forced to comply, to avoid being seen as either a pushover or an unyielding authority figure.
The article advocates for allowing children to make their own mistakes and learn from them, within the bounds of safety and significant risk.
The author recommends a barter system where parents and children negotiate and compromise on contentious issues.
Showing vulnerability and admitting to one's own mistakes can help a child relate to their parent and be more open to learning from their experiences.
The author advises against criticism when guiding a child, favoring reason-based discussions that respect the child's perspective.
The article underscores the importance of a child's confidence over the need to always provide parental advice.

5 lessons I Learnt Dealing With My Headstrong Daughter

My 9-year-old daughter is headstrong.

She knows what she wants and how she will get it. I feel she is quite the opposite of how I was as a firstborn in my childhood. Often, we end up in a situation of argument when she refuses to listen to me and tries to convince me that she is right ( even when, in some cases, I know she isn’t! ). While this behavior bothers every parent, it stems from high self-confidence in your child. It’s a bitter-sweet feeling. A feeling of knowing that your daughter is capable of conquering what she sets her mind to, at the same time worrying that we want to protect them from consequences or mistakes that are avoidable.

I have done some research on age-old psychologically rooted techniques that may have been tried and tested and hence are recommended. I have also looked inward, worked on myself, and molded myself to ensure that I create an atmosphere of trust, balance, and harmony. Mother locking horns with her daughter has never gone too well, in any fairy tale. That is best avoided.

There may be many reasons why a child is defiant, over-confident, under-confident, destructive, and so on. We are not talking about those problems today. We are talking only about children who are headstrong and confident, and this story is about handling situations of difference of opinion where you have to make your child learn from your experiences at the same time NOT dent their confidence in themselves. She needs her confidence more than she needs our advice.

I am sharing what I have learned and applied in my home.

1. Don’t push it!

As a mum, we are their role model. While we always uphold our position we need to ensure we don’t push it too far. My confident child will look up to me but won’t take any direction without knowing the reasons. We need to give them the reasons why we have a different opinion from them on the subject we are arguing about. Neither do they want to see us as a pushover, nor as an unmovable monster mom.

Try as hard as possible to not say “ I told you so”.

2. Let her learn the lesson her way!

As difficult as it sounds. Let her learn from her mistakes. Let her make the mistakes that she so badly wants to. She will own those mistakes but will know the recourse. If you stop her from doing what she wants to, you are depriving her of experience. As a child grows older you often hear this from them “If YOU couldn’t do it, It doesn’t mean I can’t either”. It’s best to explain the consequences to her and let her do what she wants to, but fully aware of what she should expect.

Of course, there are some mistakes that are safety or mental hazard. Those cases need special treatment where you have to invoke the oh-so-precious “just trust me” line.

3. The barter system works best! Find the middle ground.

There are certain things you just can’t let her have her way on. Like going on the train alone just because she feels like “I can do it, it’s no big deal”. For those non-negotiation points, I always try explaining the consequences and if she still feels very strongly about it, you have to find a middle path. Barter trade is where you ask her to listen to you on this one subject, and in return, you will listen to her on another subject which seems a bit safer.

4. Show your vulnerable side!

A side where you are sorry about certain decisions that you made wrong. Open her eyes to possibilities that she can be wrong and no one is judging. You need to appear to be a human who makes mistakes. She might associate with you more and not be afraid to learn from your experiences. You can never make her take your word for it. She needs to accept her mistakes wholeheartedly with the possibility that there is a similarity between her and you.

5. Don’t Criticize!

When you are stopping her from something, don’t criticize her about it. Have a rational conversation based on reasons. Give your reasons and be prepared to accept hers as well.

Go into the discussion with an open mind. Remember, we don’t want to appear like that person we all hate, who comes to talk to us with a fixed decision and a conclusion.

Always remind yourself that she needs her confidence more than she needs your advice.