5 Laughable Money [& Life] Lessons From 2 Millionaire Cheapskates Next Door
#4 is simply out of the world
Millionaires are rare.
Cheapskates? Everywhere.
Put them together, and you get [pretty] fascinating results. And behavior. And crazy thinking.
What if you have 2 millionaire cheapskates as friends?
Haha, well. You are in for a good time, I promise.
How do I know? Simple.
I have 2 millionaire [cheapskate] friends who…
… Never fail to entertain me each time we meet.
1* They Enjoy Making Petty Bets. Loser Pays All. [What The F]
Ivan and Christy aren’t fans of the lottery.
To them, it represents an unbelievably low win rate. Or lose rate.
So, they don’t make such bets.
Instead, they make bets on bills and chores. The winner walks away enjoying all the benefits.
The loser? Simple. The lucky one pays all.
They place bets on,
- Household chores,
- Groceries,
- Bowling,
- Utilities,
- Dinner,
- Petrol.
Ivan and Christy play simple games such as scissors, paper, stone.
I remember meeting them months and months ago for lunch. Ivan came happy. Christy was sulky. I probed.
“I lost all the games this f**king month.”
“Not my fault. You kept playing scissors, so I kept throwing stone!”
Christy turned her attention to me.
“Come. Play with me. I need to win once. The loser pays for tonight’s dinner.”
I was tickled.
“Are you sure? You have a bad streak of luck, you know.”
Christy did not listen.
She insisted. I compiled.
I guessed that she would throw scissors. Again. And she did. And I…
“What the f**k! What the f**k! Again? Again?! WHY???”
I was relieved. The dinner bill that night was hefty. I think it was around the neighborhood of $300.
She turned to Ivan and stabbed him with dagger eyes.
He immediately assumed the game position with his right hand behind his head.
This time, she threw stone.
Her face reads I’ll win this time!
But…
Ivan threw… paper.
I nearly died laughing.
A free dinner with an entertaining evening is always welcome.
2* They Buy a Super Microwave Because It Saves 300 Seconds on Cooking
You will resonate with Christy when you work 14, 15, or 16 hours a day.
Everything is about time. Christy spends money to save time. Even if it means a mere 5 minutes.
“Every 5 minutes count. I am busy. So is Ivan. Tell me that thing saves me 5 minutes, and you get my money. I won’t brood over it.”
She made sense.
But I had to ask.
“How is the food from the super microwave, Christy?”
She shrugged her shoulders.
“No idea. I only use it to make food for Ivan. So far, he hasn’t vomited. Then again, he probably thinks the broccoli in front of him is a steak.”
Hahahaha!
3* They Don’t Pay for a Cleaner [Say What!?]
This one [almost] killed me.
Where and how do they find the energy for housework after a 14, 15, or 16-hour workday? It is [near] impossible!
Ivan smiled.
“We have superpowers.”
Huh?
“Wait. Hang on. Please don’t tell me you play scissors, paper, stone on your way home?”
Bingo, he screamed.
My mouth couldn’t close for minutes.
And then my attention turned to Christy. She looked dog-tired. Then, my eyes rolled to Ivan. He was fresh as a daisy.
“So, the millionaire cleaner was night was…”
She shut me up.
“You had to ask, arseh0le?”
4* They Walk Around in Ponchos Under The Rain
If you see 2 crazy folks walking under a lightning thunderstorm in dark green ponchos…
… they are likely to be my millionaire cheapskate friends.
Once, they appeared at the entrance of a restaurant in ponchos and dripping wet. I was bemused. I was already there waiting.
They were a spectacle.
Everyone, everyone, stared at them.
My cheeks burned with embarrassment when they took their seats.
“Where is your umbrella?”
“We cannot find it.”
“Buy one?”
“Not urgent. We live 3 streets away. Plus, Christy looks UN~believably~ fabulous~ in a poncho.”
I dropped my head and covered my eyes with my right hand… with fingers scratching my forehead.
Christy was half-drenched. She was [still] dripping rainwater when the word fabulous assaulted my ears. Her nose was wet.
Ivan seemed pleased.
5* They [Absolutely] Love Free Bread
Bakeries offer crazy discounts.
That is… if you understand how they operate.
Fortunately for Ivan and Christy — unfortunately for the bakery downstairs — they do. And it is convenient.
- They end work late.
- Most discounts appear just before bakeries roll down the gutters.
These 2 millionaire cheapskates would swing by the bakery before they head home. They watch the price boards like a hawk.
Or vulture. Whatever.
- 2 for $3 — No go.
- 3 for $3 — Patience.
- 5 for $4 — Getting there.
- 6 for $4 — This is the last gasp.
- 7 for $5 — No, no, not yet. Wait for the killer move.
- 7 for $4.50 — Almost! Hang in there!
- 7 for $4 — Okay!
I thought only a broke guy like me would do such things. Or my Mum. But no. Millionaire cheapskates camouflage themselves among us.
Zebras hide amongst themselves.
“Ivan, do you ever feel bad plundering the bakery store?”
“Oh yes, of course I do. And so, I decided to patronize the bakery during normal hours yesterday. I bought a croissant at $1.80. But man. That’s quite expensive, no?”
My eyes rolled to the back of the socket.
“You’re a Managing Director, for f**k sake!”
He was unmoved.
“So? Things are expensive, you know?”
The Close
It does not matter whether you are a millionaire Managing Director or retiree.
If you think like a cheapskate, you act like one.
Ivan and Christy fascinate me.
- They are decisive and charismatic at work. Clients and colleagues love them.
- They are [incredible] cheapskates in life. $1.80 is too expensive. $4 is murder. $10? Forget it. I will pick the tab.
Above all else, they teach me this.
The amount of money we have does not define us.
How we think and act… does.
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Oh, oh, you can buy me a cup of black too! Thank you!