Summary

The article discusses the importance of self-validation and self-esteem, emphasizing that one's own opinion about oneself should be considered expert knowledge, free from the need for external validation.

Abstract

The author of the article reflects on the societal pressure to cite expert opinions to validate personal beliefs and self-worth, particularly how this pressure affects self-esteem. The piece argues that individuals are the true experts on themselves and should not rely solely on the praises or approvals of others to establish their value. It suggests that years of conditioning to seek external validation can lead to self-doubt and a reliance on consensus for self-assurance. The author proposes a shift towards self-trust and introduces five introspective questions to help individuals assess their actions and emotions independently, fostering a healthier sense of self-worth. The article concludes by illustrating how these questions can be applied to real-life situations, emphasizing the importance of self-awareness and personal responsibility in maintaining one's self-esteem.

Opinions

Personal opinions should not require validation from external experts to be considered legitimate or true.
The need to cite authoritative figures to support personal opinions can undermine one's self-esteem and self-worth.
Individuals are the foremost experts on their own experiences and emotions, and their self-assessments should be trusted.
External validation, such as praise from peers or authority figures, can become a crutch that overshadows personal judgment and self-validation.
The author advocates for self-awareness and personal accountability as key components in building and maintaining a healthy self-esteem.
The article suggests that relying on others' opinions to define oneself can lead to a loss of personal identity and self-respect.
The five questions posed by the author serve as a tool for individuals to critically evaluate their actions and relationships without external influence.
The author's personal experience with a challenging relationship exemplifies the practical application of the five questions to assert personal boundaries and self-worth.

5 Expert Questions to Gain Self Esteem

You better back up what you’re telling me with cited sources from experts, otherwise, shut the F##K up!

All opinions are unjustifiably false unless someone with many letters behind their name is cited as a reference. If anyone is ever going to believe your opinion you need to find an expert to back that pretty idea up. Someone with vast world experience and some prestigious social status needs to agree with authority on such an opinion. Otherwise your opinion is wrong.

But what about the view I have about myself? When did my ideas about me become less important than someone else’s opinion? Am I not the only true expert in the field? Why do I need the praises of parents, teachers, bosses, siblings, and friends to prove my self worth?

Grade school taught me that an opinion needed to be cited with an expert source when I had to make a convincing argument. Years growing up, needing to cite sources, gathering proof about arguments I would need proof that what I believed was correct. Then I learned that the majority voice of my peers is also a very persuasive tool in validating my opinion, showing me that the opinions I have about myself are true because of the acceptance of other people.

I began to need expert sources to cite even if the argument was about me.

I couldn’t possibly develop an argument persuasive enough without it originating from someone more educated, influential, or powerful than myself. I learned my personal opinion doesn’t matter.

I have zero credentials and shouldn’t even be talking about any subject unless I’ve consulted with experts who happen to agree with me. I learned to doubt myself.

I better have cited references for you to check up on about my opinion. I learned other people would not believe me without knowing others accepted my opinion as truth as well.

Unfortunately, in my formidable years at school, I learned backing every argument with some expert for justification of my opinion also destroyed my self esteem. A need to prove a point in an argument translated into needing to receive praise from others about myself. Proof by consensus about my good character became my own reference, showing me examples of people, agreeing I am a good person. They became the authorities in my life. The experts who I must cite to prove to myself and other people that I am a “good” person. Only the group of experts about me could convince me I am not “bad”.

I checked off my list of good deeds, proving to myself my good person status. I was doing for others without taking into account my feelings of self-worth. I relied on placating everyone else’s emotions, discarding my own. I wasn’t the expert on me because the opinion I had of myself wasn’t valid. I was only one voice, talking about me when the opinions of other people provides proof of concept.

I should just shut the F$$K up, sit the F##k down, and let everyone else do all the F##king talk about me.

Then after a character-shattering divorce, during a global pandemic, I began to become my own expert. I came up with five questions to validate my argument with an “expert” on me. The questions give me a frame of reference for my own opinions about my relationship with another person. Allowing me to start trusting myself as an authority rather than someone else.

Am I self-aware of my actions and how they impact another person’s emotions?
Have my actions brought about positive change for an individual, community, or myself?
Is my heart open to listen constructively to different opinions without feeling defensive, or are the words being spoken hurtful accusations disguised as opinions?
Is this an argument concerning a specific topic or is this about someone else’s displaced emotions being presented to me as my own?
Has the individual’s ego been challenged by my refusal to no longer accept them as an expert on who I am as a person?

I am not citing any psychologist for proof that I am a “good” person, even if you disagree. When you are:

A source of disagreement

Have an opinion about me, that’s self-serving

Share your opinion about me with others to validate your own agenda

I had an argument with one of my experts. After attending a party, I learned that their experience of the party was different than mine, and several other people at the event. However, I became special since in the past I relied upon their opinion about me to validate my self-worth. After having a heated argument ending in my decision to no longer have this person in my life. I decided to put the event through my 5 questions.

“You’re not a good person because you made me feel horrible during the party I was throwing.”

I was not aware of making you feel horrible. I remember the party being a bit awkward but fun. I genuinely had a good time, and you appeared to be a bit standoffish.
I felt good at the party. Even attending during a day I had a prior engagement, I arrived at an agreed-upon time. Even though the party started at 3:00, and my guests and I arrived at 6:00.
I was willing to listen to your concerns about the party. At the same time, I felt accused of being ungrateful for the party, listening to your sacrifices, inspiring guilt to prove your worth, diminishing mine. I listened to you blame me for creating a horrible atmosphere for everyone at the party, making me responsible for theirs and your own emotions.
Your argument became about my responsibility to make sure you felt comfortable in your own home during a party you threw without any communication with me, setting me up to flay me out to those in your circle as ungrateful and uncaring.
I choose to no longer be in a relationship with you since I can’t achieve “goodness” while placing my emotional needs last. Disassociation with you will be the only way to achieve realistic expectations. You will be removed as an expert on me.

My actions do not define who I am as a person. They are a product of who I believe myself to be as a person. Someone with a highly expressed sense of self-worth can validate any negative action, displace it onto someone else and then go about their merry way without taking personal responsibility. I see from my list that you are not living true to who you are as a person. My questions give me an answer. Allowing for me to see the argument is about you and not me. I see your narcissistic personality, someone incapable of passing through the five questions, speaking not from a place of respect, scrambling for my expert opinion about you.

I got my answer from putting my argument through the five questions. I now have validated your removal from my life. There will be moments when I become triggered with grief by my decision, but I will revisit my questions to continue to heal myself as a person.

I spent 50 years being told to cite expert opinions about me. I have so much to overcome, listening to my own emotions, allowing me to actively listen to another, knowing I am an expert on me and not an expert on you. My life is changing, because I have now changed. I no longer seek your approval.