5 Essential Lessons I Learned Falling in Love With a Man 22 Years Older Than Me

Age gaps in relationships are more popular than ever, and I will tell you why.

I was driving in my car, two and a half hours away from home, to a workshop for work. I settled myself in a hotel room when I arrived and opened one of my favorite apps. Tinder. It was almost like a nervous tick at this point, I had hundreds of matches, but no one ever catching my eye, swiping over and over again just to kill time before bed. The next day I went to the workshop, got in my car, and went home. Three days later I received a message, I opened it, saw that he was a vegetarian, closed it and went about my day, until, I was bored and picked up the same message and replied, “You’re a vegetarian, my bio says I like steak, we won’t be a match.”

He explained that he’s not a vegetarian but doesn’t eat red meat. I read the message and go about my day.

Days later, I finally decide to give this guy a shot; he’s 22 years older than me, twice my age, but hey, this could be interesting. I gave him my phone number and told him to call me. By the end of the day, we had a Facetime call and already scheduled a time to meet. I was going to drive back those two and a half hours, and I was going to achieve this vegetarian. He may not be so bad after all, even though he doesn’t eat bacon.

Nearly two years later, 1000 of km’s of miles on my car, more video calls than I can count, hundreds of hours on the phone and thousands of text messages, a big move to that city two and half hours from my little home town, new job and sharing a bed every night. I have learned a lot about my boyfriend, that’s 22 years my senior.

1. Age is just a number; love is love.

This is the most common phrase ever said to people in an age gap relationship. When you find someone that you’re in love with age goes away. You don’t even think about it. Other people may give you strange looks. Maybe you get called his daughter at dinner, but none of this matters if you’re in love. If you connect on a deeply personal level, you’ll forget that there is an age gap.

Over time you both will stop asking about the age gap or talking about how many years separate the two of you. Eventually, the only thing that will matter is building your life together and figuring out how that will look for the two of you. It may be a bit more time constrictive if you’re looking into growing a family. For some taking the age into perspective, for others, it’s an unnecessary hurdle.

Age is just a number, and love is the most powerful emotion and can overcome anything. If it can overcome distance, ethnicity, peer pressure, why can’t it overcome age?

2. Maturity doesn’t come with age, but it comes with experience

I used to think that because my partner was 22 years older than me, he would be so much more mature than me. Spoiler alert, I was wrong. I sometimes catch my boyfriend playing with Lego, acting silly, he’s still a child at heart. He sees the world as being a safe place and trusts to a fault sometimes. I, on the other hand, have gone through many different struggles in life that my partner couldn’t imagine going through. His innocents to struggle are one of the reasons I fell so hard in love with him. Love left me with the learning experience that maturity doesn’t come with age at all.

The more life experiences you have, the more maturity you will have. You will understand the ideas of knowing the right place and the right time to say or do things. Timeline is a state of mind. Another way to say this is that you have street smarts. You’re adaptable and have a deep understanding of social situations.

A lot of times, people assume that if you’re in a gapped age relationship, your partner is always very mature because of their age. This isn’t still the case, a lot of the time, they meet you in the middle, and this is why it works. If your older partner can meet you right where your mental age is, then the rest doesn’t matter. Maturity doesn’t come with age; it comes with experiences.

3. Their social circles are nothing like yours.

But you may like their friends more than you like yours.

I remember meeting my partner’s best friends. I remember the tremble I had, knowing that I had an impression to make. I couldn’t let them think I was a dumb 21-year-old that had no idea what was going on. They turned out to be super accepting and kind. After a few more meetings with them, it became easy for them to make fun of the fact that I was four years old when 9–11 happened, or that I don’t remember a time without the Internet.

My partner’s social circle is incredible; some of the most wholesome people, with best intentions in their hearts. Nothing better than getting to spend time with his friends, they are all super special people. I think this comes with age; in our 20s, we are still deciding what kind of people we want in our life. At 40, they have no time for pettiness and drama. They have narrowed it down and expanded their relationships with those people.

Their social circles are tight-knit groups; they probably have known these people longer than you have been alive. They have had time to weed out the toxic relationships. Their friends have this ease of making you feel comfortable, and never speak of the age difference, they’re just happy for their friend. All they are worried about is whether or not you make their friend happy.

4. Jealousy is for boys and girls; men and women are secure.

When you think of telling your partner that someone of the opposite sex is speaking to you, followed you on Instagram, “slid in your dm’s,” what is the response that you think would come from your partner? Is it anger, is it jealousy, is it insecurity? If you want to go out with your friends, is it a problem? You may be dating a girl or a boy, not a man or a woman.

When I tell my partner what I am doing, I never have to ask. I let him know, but there’s no discussion on whether I can do something. If I am “allowed” to do something is not even a question. I am allowed to do what I want. There is a blind trust that he’s taught me to have and that he has for me. There is something special about a relationship where there is no jealousy.

5. Your parents will be a lot more accepting than you think.

The first family member I told I was in love with my partner was my stepmom. I think that’s because if she judged me, I’d be able to handle it. I wouldn’t have been able to handle the judgment of my mom and my dad. She loves to gossip and has a huge mouth, and I knew she’d break the news to my dad and sister, so when I did it, it would be a lot easier. I definitely can’t thank her enough for softening the blow. She was the first person to know, and she could tell I was in love.

When I introduced my partner to my dad, I warned him and made it a lot scarier than it was going to be so that when he arrived, he would think to himself, “oh, it’s not that bad.” This was strategic on my part. Your family is going to accept your relationship with whatever it is. As long as you are being treated right, your parents will be happy for you.

Living with a man double my age has taught me many life lessons. Things I had never known about myself he has taught me. He taught me to love hard, have trust in the human race, and believe in yourself. Nothing a 20-year-old frat boy could have ever taught me. (Nothing against frat boys) He treats me as an equal, not as an inferior little girl that knows nothing about the world. I’m still learning, taking things day by day, and enjoying life to the fullest. If you’re in a relationship or thinking about one with someone 20 years older than you, know it’s the most exciting adventure you will ever be on, even if it doesn’t last.