5 Dating Mistakes I Made And What I Learned From Them
Because sharing lessons learned can help prevent you from making the same ones.
Dating is not easy to navigate. It’s funny because growing up; I never understood why relationships failed. You find someone you like, you make sure they like you back, and the two of you live happily ever after, right?
I know you’re laughing right now; it’s okay. In my defense, this strategy worked very well for me in middle school. The only problem I ever faced while dating back then was whether or not my boyfriend was in detention during recess.
I’m 23 now, I’ve been in a happy and healthy relationship for nearly three years, but only after going through multiple failed ones and learning everything there is to learn from them.
Here are a few mistakes I made; hopefully, sharing my experiences will help you take a look at your love life and not make the same ones.
I thought about the future too early.
Oh yes, I was that girl.
A couple of days in, and I’m wondering if our baby is going to have your bright blue eyes or not. Will our son have my curls? Will our daughter have your dimples?
Growing up in a fairly conservative and traditional household led me to believe that every person I dated should only be dated with the intention of marriage. I don’t think there’s anything necessarily wrong with that (do you).
But, wondering whether or not the person sitting across from you would make a good dad or husband isn’t what you should be focusing on. Instead, you should be learning about one another. Taking in every day for what it is, an adventure — a way to see whether or not the two of you are compatible.
Don’t be in such a rush to create a future with someone that you end up sacrificing the present moment with them. The present is the foundation for your future.
Oftentimes, thinking about the future too early leads you to form unnecessary attachments. In your mind, you’ve picked out baby names. In theirs, you’ve only been on two dates.
I pretended to be somebody I’m not.
In past relationships, I pretended to be “one of the guys.” I know you haven’t met me in real life or anything, but I am most certainly not one of the guys.
I like shoes; I love “online-window-shopping,” meaning I’ll spend hours putting things into my cart and not buying a single thing because I can be really indecisive. I like to spend my mornings writing, my afternoons sunbathing, and my evenings reading with a nice glass of wine.
And yet, I dated guys that I hid all of that from. When one of my exes laughed at me for wanting to become a writer, I put my pen down. When someone I liked told me that spending hours at the beach was a waste of time, I stopped going.
When my ex told me to spend time with him and his friends while he played board games, I did it. I hate and have always hated games, especially board games. It’s not my thing.
When you’re with someone, you want to present your best self to them, but there’s a fine line between doing that and sacrificing who you are and what you like.
Looking back at it now, I can’t believe how much I catered to my partner’s needs rather than being my true and authentic self. So what if they leave you because you have different interests? Is it worth staying with someone who turns you into a whole different person just so the two of you would stay together?
Having separate interests and hobbies makes your relationship stronger, and if your partner makes you feel like you constantly need to cater to their needs and their likes, it’s not only a sign that they’re being controlling, but it’s a sign that you can’t be your true self around them.
I pushed everyone else away.
If I could change anything, it would be the fact that I sacrificed family time for boy time.
“People become so involved in new relationships that they stop leaving room for friends, family, or their hobbies. Losing sight of who you are and what you like to do for the sake of a partner is a recipe for disaster.” — Relationship Expert Stephanie Crux
When I was 17, I skipped out on a family trip to spend time with my at-the-time boyfriend. I still remember the text I received from my favorite cousin that night; she was so disappointed. I lied and told everyone I couldn’t get the time off work; in reality, my boyfriend threatened to break up with me if I left.
It’s pretty common to push people away when you’re dating someone new. You’re infatuated; you’re texting one another all the time. Every free moment is spent with them.
When you’re in an unhealthy relationship, it’s very common to end up friendless because you’re so absorbed in your relationship and making your partner happy that you don’t realize the toxicity that is happening around you.
I lost a year of adventures with my friends throughout that time, and most importantly, I lost myself.
It’s okay to devote more time to your new relationship, but it’s not okay when your whole world consists of them and only them. And it’s absolutely 100% not okay when they force you to cut out the relationships you have in your life.
I overlooked red flags.
When you’re really attracted to someone, overlooking red flags is as easy as breathing air.
Before moving to Los Angeles, I was in an on-and-off relationship with someone for a long while. I saw the red flags at the very start of the relationship, but I was young, naive, and obsessed with the idea of dating someone like him.
He was different from other guys I dated. He didn’t just have a bad streak to him, he was all bad, and there’s nothing more enticing than a man who seems like he doesn’t give a crap about anything in the world but you.
I overlooked the betrayals. I bypassed the fact that he had a lot of money but didn’t have a job. I pretended his drink of choice in the morning wasn’t alcohol.
It’s easy to get infatuated, to get so enamored by someone that you forget all about your values, your morals, right from wrong, etc.
You tell yourself you won’t let it go on for too long; you just want a taste of what doing something bad feels like. Then, you get so caught up that leaving breaks your heart, and you’re stuck with something you knew from the very start was wrong.
When you see red flags at the very beginning of a relationship, think of it like a big red STOP sign telling you to take a step back and reassess. Do you really want your heart broken? Do you really want to go down this route?
I thought I could change them.
Professional matchmaker April Davis says,
“You have to realize that more times than not; that person is putting their best foot forward when they initially are getting to know you in the dating world. So it’s important to take them as they are and assume all their good and bad characteristics and traits are there to stay.”
The last guy I dated was so lazy that even I’m embarrassed I dated him. But I thought I could change that about him.
Unambitious? It’s okay! I’ve got ten ideas for you to choose from. Not interested in marriage? It’s okay! I’ll change your mind. Don’t want kids? It’s okay! I’ll convince you to have them.
I don’t believe in projects when it comes to significant others, now. Maybe when you’re young, sure you could inspire someone to change a few unhealthy habits or motivate them to stop smoking cigarettes or something.
However, when it comes to having a serious relationship with someone, you can’t go into it thinking they’ll miraculously change years of beliefs and programming because of you.
“You can inspire someone, support them, educate them — but you can’t change them.” — Mark Manson.
It took me a while to accept that not everybody who enters my life is meant to stay in my life. You learn this by trial and error, you accept this by trial and error.
Everybody has special and unique experiences within their love life, and it’s only through learning and sharing can we all grow from them.
I hope this gives you perspective. We all make mistakes, I’m still making some right now despite being in a relationship. Love takes time, patience, learning, and understanding.
It’s all worth it in the end.
