5 Clever Tips and Tricks for the American Birkebiener

Read this if you’re freaking out and you need something productive to think about

The American Birkebeiner is only a few days away and everyone is getting nervous. That’s good! That nervous energy will help you stay warm as you stand around shivering while you wait for the race to start.

We all sign up for 50 kilometer ski races to suffer, but it doesn’t have to be miserable. For example, when you ski that far, it’s guaranteed that you’re going to be tired, but you don’t have to be tired and hungry. You’re allowed to bring food you know!

Below you’ll find a list of 5 clever tips that will make your Birkie experience a whole lot more enjoyable. You can thank me later.

1. Carry a water bottle filled with flat Coca-Cola

Yeah, fit and healthy individuals are not supposed to drink their calories. However, that advice goes right out the window when you’re in the middle of a grueling 50 kilometer ski race in subfreezing conditions.

In that case, you NEED calories. You need a LOT of calories. You need them FAST! You also need CAFFEINE. Lots of it!

Athletes know that Coca-Cola is the magical elixir of energy, sugar, caffeine, and more energy. If you’ve ever bonked during an endurance event, it’s amazing what just a quick sip of Coca-Cola can do for you. Essentially, it has everything the bonking body needs.

The only problem is the bubbles.

The bubbles keep you from being able to chug it. When you try to drink bubbly Coca-Cola too fast, it gets all frothy and you end up coughing it up your nose. That makes for a bad race picture.

So, what you do is you take your big bowl (the one you use for popcorn), and you dump a 2 liter bottle of Coca-Cola into it, and you let it sit out overnight to get rid of the bubbles. 2 liters is more than you’re going to need, and everybody is going to make fun of you, but in the morning they’ll all say, “Actually, can I have some?” That’s why you make more than you need.

Fill up your water bottle and, voila, you have the best energy drink available on the course.

If you forget this one, don’t worry. Most likely your bottle will freeze up and it will be useless anyway, but it gives you something to think about the night before instead of how cold and miserable you’re going to be.

2. Bring an ultralight camping chair to the start area

Some part of me is aware that there are chairs available at the start and finish of the American Birkebeiner. I believe I’ve seen them, or at least I’ve seen other people sitting on chairs and I remember thinking, “Oh, a chair would be nice.”

The problem with chairs is that somebody else always seems to have one and you can’t push them off. At the start of the race it causes problems, and at the end of the race you’re too tired.

My solution was to get a lightweight camp chair for my gear bag. Boom! Now you can put on and take off your ski boots in greater comfort.

This is particularly important at the end of the race when you’re cramping because your flat Coke froze up and you didn’t get to drink it. I swear, the hardest part of the American Birkebeiner is taking off your ski boots. This year, maybe I’ll pack my Dremel and cut them off like a cast.

3. Prepare a hot sandwich

This tip is going to change your life. I use it for long training days all the time.

You’re skiing. You’re hungry. Flat Coke is great and all, but there comes a point in the day when you need something warm in your stomach.

Don’t give me no nasty chews with chemical flavors!

Don’t give me no nasty packet of GU!

I want a sandwich!

A HOT sandwich!

If that sounds good to you, here’s what you do:

On Birkie morning, put a slice of ham and a slice of cheese on a bagel. Put the bagel in the microwave for 50 seconds (because the Birkie is 50k). Wrap the bagel in Aluminum foil (be sure to do this part after you’ve taken it out of the microwave).

Now comes the genius.

Take two hand warmers and put them on either side of the bagel sandwich encased in foil.

Now wrap the sandwich in another piece of Aluminium foil. BOOM! Instant trail oven!

Congratulations, you have just made a hot bagel sandwich that will stay warm for a long time. It might not be hot when you eat it, but it will be close enough that you won’t care.

(note: don’t accidentally eat the hand warmers)

4. Bring plenty of adhesive toe warmers

Why is it that human beings fail to follow directions in any circumstance other than the ones which are totally irrelevant?

Case in point, outside my window is a one-way street. Every day I see five or six cars going the wrong way. I mean… going the right way on a one-way street is kind of a big deal and people just don’t care.

On the other hand, just because a bag says “toe” warmers, people insist that those items can only be used on your toes.

People! It’s a chemical warmer with an adhesive strip. You can stick those suckers everywhere!

You know how some people buy a cheap coat at Goodwill and wear it at the start line (if you didn’t know people do that, it’s another good tip, even though I’m about to tease them). Well, those people were revolutionary… back in 1886!

If you want to live in the FUTURE with ME do this: take a couple of toe warmers and put them on your quads (no, don’t put them on your skin, put them on your thermal underwear beneath your ski suit).

Trust me, this warms up your whole body. My non-scientific and unresearched opinion is that the toe warmers warm up your blood and take that hot, warm, wonderful blood all throughout your body.

Okay you won’t be toasty warm, but you’ll be a lot warmer than people who don’t have toe warmers stuck all over their bodies.

Now, if somebody would only invent a chemical warmer I could dunk in my water bottle to keep my flat coke from freezing, then we’d have something (maybe I can duct tape a hand warmer to the outside of the bottle, I haven’t field tested that yet, Saturday seems like a good day).

5. Make your morning mantra “Skis, boots, poles”

This tip is number 5. It should really be number 1, but I’m too lazy to go back and rewrite this whole article.

But this is the most important piece of advice: Don’t get so focused on being cute with flat Coke, heated trail sandwiches, camping chairs, and toe warmers that you forget your critical equipment.

Seriously, don’t be that guy.

Every year you see at least one person who has forgotten either skis, boots, or poles. You can and will forget a lot of things on Birkie morning. You’ll be hot with Birkie fever after all. You’ll be forgetting everything! You probably won’t be able to remember your own name.

That’s perfectly fine and normal.

You’ll discover that most of what you forget won’t matter EXCEPT if you forget skis, boots, or poles.

If you forget those three things, you won’t be able to ski!

So keep saying it that morning, “skis, boots, poles.” If you have those three things, you’ll be okay.

Good luck to all Birkie skiers and thanks to all the volunteers!

To everyone who is freaking out as the Birkie approaches, RELAX! You got this! The hay is in the barn.

You’ll surprise yourself, you’ll do fine, it will be a great day.

Remember that it’s not as if you’ll be all alone out there. The Birkie is civilized. If you have some sort of issue, they’ll rescue you. It will be okay!

Take a deep breath. The weather is going to be perfect. You won’t forget anything. Your skis will be fast. There will be warm water at the finish and a pizza (not right at the finish, but you’ll find one eventually because you’ll have never been so motivated to find warm water and a pizza).

I’ll see you up there! I’ll be the guy who has just toppled out of his camping chair because my legs cramped up as I tried to take off my ski boots. I’ll probably be lying in a puddle of half frozen flat coke with little flakes of half chewed Aluminum in my mouth. If you see me, don’t hesitate to stop and say hello. Also, please point me in the direct of the nearest source of hot water and pizza.

Ah, Birkie Fever… gotta love it!