5 Cheat Codes That Tell Me He’s Not a Good Man From the Very First Date

It’s easier than you think.

1. He doesn’t listen when I talk.

I’m going to start by tooting my own horn here just a little bit, but bare with me, it’s just for the sake of proving a point.

I’m an excellent listener. I had to be. Growing up in a toxic family comes with a whole set of perks, like superhuman listening. It was a survival skill.

So when I go out with a guy, I will be the best listener he’s ever met. I don’t interrupt, I ask the right questions, and I’m doing everything to get to know him better.

At the end of the date, the guy is charmed, intoxicated, and in love. With me? Nah, I’ve done nothing but been there for him and his life story. He thinks he’s in love with me, but he’s enamored with his enhanced image perfectly reflected back to him.

Most guys are so much in a trance of themselves that they forget to stop and ask me anything about myself.

Those are the men that will never see me again.

Ladies, if he’s not able to listen to what you have to say about yourself on a first date, do you think he’s going to listen when you ask him to take the trash out after 10 years of marriage?

If you want a good life, get yourself a man who has the capacity for active listening.

2. He angers easily.

You don’t want an angry man. Nobody wants an angry man.

I’ve been watching The Expanse the other day. In case you haven’t heard of it, neither have I. It’s a sci-fi TV series that a friend recommended; it captivated me and I binged all 6 series in a week.

But this is not about my obsessive lifestyle.

Here’s what’s not right here. I noticed in many series and movies a lot of very angry characters that somehow win the show and become great leaders.

Why? Why is anger promoted as such a desired quality?

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Mind you, not all the angry characters were men, but most of them were. Apparently, producers find that anger is more becoming for a man. It’s not. It looks bad on everybody.

They reacted like disheveled teenagers at anything that even slightly came into contradiction with them.

Several other people constantly had to calm them down. But they portrayed great commanders of ships and great leaders of men.

No, that’s not how it works. Great leaders don’t go ape shit on everybody every 2 seconds of conversation.

Neither do great men, husbands, or fathers. If the guy you’re trying to date gets angry at everything, from the waiter’s shirt being the wrong shade of white to the bread not being bready enough, this is not going to be a good relationship.

If you’re just thinking one-night stand, it’s a hit or miss. I mean, he might be more into doing laps around the block to calm his nerves than into doing you, and that’s just sad. I choose miss.

Anger is not passion, it’s not intensity and it’s not leadership. Constant anger is immature, abusive, and it destroys everything it touches.

If he screams at the waiter, run!

3. He keeps mentioning his mom.

There is no reason… and I mean absolutely no reason for the guy to mention anything about his mom on a first date with you.

I might seem a bit harsh for such a minor thing, but usually, it’s the signal of a much deeper-rooted issue: he’s a momma’s boy.

Am I saying there’s something wrong with momma’s boys? Absolutely not! They can be the sweetest, nicest, most caring men out there. But if you’re thinking serious relationship, there are 2 things you’ll need to be ok with:

• his mom is the most important woman in his life and it’s almost impossible to dethrone her.
• he’s into mommy figures and you’ll have to play a similar role.

I’ve done the second one. Didn’t like it. If I want to be a mother I’ll have children or adopt children. But I don’t. So why mother a grown-up around?

4. He’s mysterious.

Are you looking for a Marlboro man type of guy? The mysterious man looking out into the sunset, chewing tobacco, and never sharing his thoughts with anyone?

If you do, you should meet my dad. He’s possibly one of the last real Marlboro men standing. He’s a handsome guy with rugged good looks (minus the cowboy hat) who smokes like a chimney and never shared anything of himself with my mother and me. Or anyone else, for that matter.

My mom lived a miserable and lonely existence.

What was he hiding? I have no idea if there was actually something to hide or if he was just playing cool, being a narcissist and all, but it left deep scars on everybody around him.

That’s why the moment I see a guy keeping his life a secret, hiding his phone as if he has the codes to nuclear weapons there, or just playing hide and seek with details of his life, I immediately deflate like a balloon forgotten in the heat.

It’s not intriguing, it’s not fascinating and it’s not sustainable. It’s pretentious, boring, and cliché. And it makes for an unhappy life.

I want to see genuine smiles and an open attitude. I want to see a man who is not afraid to share himself with his date, a man who has nothing to hide.

A man who doesn’t live in fear of what others think of him or who doesn’t need to put on a mask for others is the only kind of man that will make a good partner.

5. He’s all about money and status.

A lot of people are all about money and status. And they are all utterly unhappy. So what do you need an unhappy shallow man for?

That’s not to say get a poor man. And I don’t mean that if you have the money you’re going to be unhappy.

It’s more of a perspective of what you’re striving for. Unless your money (and status) come as a result of something you enjoy doing, you’re going to hate your life. You’ll do it while you’re wearing pearls, sure, but misery is misery nonetheless.

I remember this date who once tried to impress me with his very expensive watch. As I knew absolutely nothing about the subject, I didn’t even notice his watch casually peeking from his well-tailored sleeve. And eventually peeked a bit more, and then he took his jacket off for a better view.

That didn’t work either, so he told me what it was and how much it was. I was highly unimpressed that anyone would pay so much for a watch and that was our first and last date.

The same goes for the guy who tried to impress me with his very expensive and very fast car and went 0 to 100 km/ h in 5 seconds in the city. At the end of the ride, I explosion-puked all over his dashboard. Remorse-level: 0.

Some women will call these men powerful men. Don’t fall into that trap. The only power one can possibly have comes from the inside.

And nobody defining their worth through money or status has ever been powerful or felt powerful.

Don’t fall for fake power. Fake power and good men don’t mix.