5 Big Reasons Gratitude Isn’t Always The Answer

Our overselling of gratitude is hindering our growth.

Our ultimate goal in life is to be happy. For many it comes down to having our own specific values being met:

• Having a good paying job that’s fulfilling and purposeful.
• Being healthy and eating well.
• Having financial stability and not having to worry about future expenses.
• Surrounding ourselves with fantastic people that we can rely on.
• Being in love with a wonderful person.

The list can go on and on, making our pursuit of this happiness indefinite. And as a result, many self-improvement gurus and generally most in the self-improvement industry see a certain issue with that whole pursuit.

Specifically that there is a lack of gratitude. Gratitude for the things that we do have in life already.

Gratitude for the past that has shaped us into who we are today.

And gratitude for the future blessings we’re to receive as we continue down our path.

Gratitude is a powerful human emotion and people have created a culture around it. The Secret is one such book that has capitalized on it by talking about it and using it as some gateway into us accepting the gifts that are being given to us.

Gifts, that this book suggests, you’re entitled to have just from merely willing them into existence.

And you can start to see already how gratitude in excess can be so dangerous.

Absolutely, there is science behind gratitude being an effective method:

• Keeping a gratitude journal reduces stress, improves sleep quality and builds emotional awareness.
• Gratitude in workplace environments is a proactive action in building bonds and triggers feelings of closeness and bonding.
• Keeping a gratitude journal on you and writing in it consistently can even reduce pain symptoms and make us more willing to work out and cooperate on treatment procedures.

However, people have pushed the science to far. Again, The Secret believes gratitude is one of the gateways to solving every one of your problems. And there are countless other people who stand behind that.

Here is why you’ll want to be more mindful of your gratitude practices.

It Can Invalidate Other Emotions

With gratitude being such a powerful, addictive, and above all positive emotion, most people in this field can begin to see problems with overusing this practice.

Gratitude practices reinforce the idea that you want to be listing of three things that you are grateful for. It can be literally anything. Your pet, the fact you live in a nice apartment or home, that you have a loving family and friends.

It all sounds so wholesome when you initially think about it, however it’s all so easy to use those as reasons to invalidate other emotions as it mentally conditions you to reinforce a simple message:

“If something bad has happened to you, remind yourself that someone else has it worse and that it’s not you.”

Flunked an exam or a test? Well, you at least are getting good education, have a supportive family, and you can use this opportunity to study harder for the next test.

Went through a nasty breakup? You at least have friends and family members you can go back to for emotional support. You’ve also got all your other tools and systems to help you blow off steam such as working out, or clearing through tubs and tubs of ice cream.

Got fired or lost your job? You at least have understanding parents who could take you in and support you or maybe you have a financial parachute to keep you going for a while.

While we think of gratitude helping us put our worries into perspectives and recover, they’re missing certain emotional aspects. Namely that it doesn’t fully accept the negative emotions.

Yes, in a sense, it does acknowledge what you have gone through, but the gratitude culture doesn’t allow you to dwell on those emotions. It denies you that emotional awareness and understanding of those negative emotions.

Of course, we all don’t want to go through negative emotions, however, negative emotions are what make us human. It keeps us grounded in reality. That life isn’t always unicorns and rainbows or in fact fair to us.

It is so easy for our gratitude practices to lead us to comparison even which continues to further invalidate what we’re experiencing.

Someone else is in a much worse position than you. Your problems are insignificant in comparison. Be grateful for what you do have in your life because there are so many who would gladly take your place.

That way of thinking utterly denies the pain you’re dealing with or the hardship or consequences of your decisions. Instead, the practice waters down those events to “yes it’s true, but it’s not that bad.”

Like a parent coddling a crying child after doing something they didn’t like by saying “that wasn’t so bad. Wasn’t it fun?”

Gratitude Can Make Us Inauthentic

“When people want only happiness, they can actually undermine their own development because the quest for happiness can lead them to suppress other aspects of their experience. … The true meaning of being alive is not just to feel happy, but to experience the full range of human emotions.” — Ed Deci

Ed Deci is psychological researcher and professor of psychology and reinforces my point mentioned above. With gratitude denying or suppressing other aspects of emotions, it denies us our humanity.

It denies that full range of human emotions that we ought to be experiencing throughout our lifetime.

And by extension, it doesn’t allow us to be authentic with other people and with ourselves. Because all that we’re familiar with is positive emotions.

And there is a time and place for positive emotions to be helpful and unhelpful.

Another way to be looking at this is that gratitude teachings can force positive emotions onto people, even if they’re not feeling those positive emotions to begin with.

Similar to a child saying they’re sorry for something when their not.

It reinforces insincerity while getting one to manufacture emotions that one isn’t truly feeling in those moments.

It Denies Us Giving Things Meanings

Another aspect of humanity is creating meanings in our lives. From our past and present events, people are shaped based on how we process those events and perceive them.

And while gratitude gives everything a positive meaning in our lives, doesn’t it make more sense that our lives are more balanced with good and bad?

Isn’t one portion of our lives great and the rest between alright and utterly horrible?

Aren’t we the ones to make the decisions of what we make of life and how to feel about the events that enter into it?

Yes, everything is positive but not everything is positive. We experience more trouble when we deny meanings that enter our lives.

Those things make us nervous but also make us human. We’re people who are fallible, have biases, and can even make irrational decisions. It doesn’t help us though when we deny the subsequent events and meanings that stem from our decisions or shortcomings.

In the end, the gratitude culture can deny us the truth by creating another truth that we believe is an eternal truth. One that doesn’t change, can’t be argued, and is enforced immediately.

It Can Be An Excuse To Admitting Your Life Sucks

I remember an article several years ago I read on depression. It was talking about a habit that still persists to this day with people feeling depressed.

While depression is a serious mental condition that is incredibly complex, a lot of the people think that once you feel depressed, you are in need of medication.

You need anti-depressents in your body to help you feel happy again and to deny that depression.

The truth of the matter is, not everyone taking anti-depressants are clinically depressed.

In some cases, it’s just your life that sucks.

Maybe it’s a terrible boss driving you into the ground. Maybe you’re burnt out from relationships with family, or friends. Or you could be lacking sleep.

Our lives are not perfect and there are always fires in our lives that need to be put out one way or another. It sucks that we have to do that, but that isn’t a reason for us to be feeling depressed. It’s part of our lives.

Similar to depression and that scenario, practicing gratitude can work in the same way.

If you’re constantly making gratitude lists, you’re choosing to focus on the positive aspects or even seeing bad stuff as good. Worse, you could be denying certain bad things in your life because you’re too focused on thinking happy thoughts.

This isn’t to say that your entire life sucks and everything is bad. There will always be some silver lining or light somewhere. However, it’s an essential part of ones life to admit that certain things do suck and we enter into periods of our life where things suck even more.

It Hinders Our Ability To Adapt And Change

One thing about life is that it presents situations and circumstances that push us beyond our normal lifes.

The COVID pandemic. Electing new government. Moving to a new home. Having kids. Meeting new people.

Each of those things shake our lives in various ways. They change us. But for many, they reinforce the “be more positive” or “consume more positive content” in an attempt to isolate and “deal with” negative or depressing thoughts and facts.

Instead of trying to adapt, process, and understand the emotions that we feel during transitional periods, people double down on positivity and deny the bad.

It isn’t so different from people posting only positive stuff on social media even in real life, their friends and family knows things are rough in their life for many reasons.

It creates an illusion and doesn’t allow the person to make changes in their lives. They’ll keep scrambling around.

Gratitude Can Be A Helpful Tool Or Deny Our True Happiness

Obtaining true happiness in our lives isn’t as simple as choosing happiness every single time and only the positive aspects of our lives. It’s finding a balancing act between accepting all of our human emotions, observing them and letting us be okay with those being part of our lives.

Both the good and the bad signs and signals in our bodies and minds shouldn’t be denied. They are in fact beautiful in their own ways and reminders that our boundaries are being pushed.

Gratitude is a tactic that can help us, but it’s a tool that needs to be carefully used. It’s important that we’re not using it as a bandaid over our emotions.

One analogy I found that was helpful is seeing gratitude as holding our breath.

You can hold your breath for a period of time just as we can practice gratitude for a period of time. However, if you keep holding onto your breath — and keep practicing gratitude — you won’t be able to breath any longer.

Eventually you’ll need to breath in new air — and face the fact that you are human and that it’s good for you to stop practicing gratitude and face reality.