The Reinterpretation of Emojis
Towards a New Iconography

The expansion and adoption of new emoji palates gives people a chance to use pictures rather than words to express themselves. As a society we are in the process of collectively determining what some symbols mean. The perverse among you are already well acquainted with peaches and eggplants. Before too many emojis fall to a similar fate, I want to get my two cents in. I would like to propose that the following emojis be used to express the ideas, concepts, and states of being that I find hard to express otherwise:

Emoji Name: Sleepy Face Gutbloom Name: Achoo Meaning: I just sneezed and now, somewhere around here, there is an wet wad of mucus waiting to be discovered. Let’s hope it’s not on my groin.

Emoji Name: Raised Fist Gutbloom Name: Wank Hand Meaning: The person speaking is wasting my time, and I’d like to either go get a sandwich or check my Medium stats.

Emoji Name: Right Pointing backhand index Gutbloom Name: Blame Game, right Meaning: The sense of quiet confidence that comes when someone is about to blame you for something, but you are already more than prepared to deflect the blame by saying that they should talk to Tom, who is sitting right over there.

Emoji Name: Bikini Gutbloom Name: Vampire Swimsuit Meaning: The invisibility that you feel even though you are the only person in the room wearing shitty clothes and whose waist is bigger than their shoulders.

Emoji Name: Lipstick Gutbloom Name: Red Rocket Meaning: The dog is excited

Emoji Name: Mouse Face Gutbloom Name: Rattenkönig Meaning: Death

Emoji Name: Hamster Face Gutbloom Name: The Banker Meaning: A special kind of debt awareness. The feeling that comes after knowing you are in debt and then buying a [n] online, where n = a matador suit, a model of the HMS victory, or one month access to nakedscubawomen.com.

Emoji Name: Rabbit Face Gutbloom Name: The Bunny Meaning: Sexual humiliation

Emoji Name: Cow Face Gutbloom Name: Braunvieh Meaning: Love, Devotion, Surrender

Emoji Name: Pig Face Gutbloom Name: Pig Face Meaning: The excitement that comes from knowing you are about to have a humiliatingly good time

Emoji Name: New moon Gutbloom Name: Black Spot Meaning: I’m depressed

Emoji Name: New moon with face Gutbloom Name: Trying hard Meaning: I’m depressed, but I have you fooled because I’m smiling

Emoji Name: Waxing gibbous moon Gutbloom Name: Waxing Depression Meaning: I might be sick, or tired, or… maybe I’m getting depressed

Emoji Name: Waning gibbous moon Gutbloom Name: Waning depression Meaning: I feel a little less awful, maybe I’ll go to work today… if I still have a job

Emoji Name: Full moon with face Gutbloom Name: Happy man Meaning: I think I might be happy, but I don’t trust it enough to say it.

Emoji Name: Hot dog Gutbloom Name: Lips & Assholes Meaning: Comfort, specifically, food comfort

Emoji Name: Hamburger Gutbloom Name: Hamburg Meaning: Acceptance, specifically, total existential acceptance

Emoji Name: Bread Gutbloom Name: Carb Loaf Meaning: Not only do I want to eat all of the carbs before me, but once again I am stunned by the recognition that the world is made of carbs

Emoji Name: Soft ice cream Gutbloom Name: Carvel Meaning: My belly is full of gas. I hope nobody gets close to me.

Emoji Name: Doughnut Gutbloom Name: The circle of life Meaning: A special kind of self-hatred. The self-hatred that comes from knowingly indulging in self-destructive behavior.

Emoji Name: Circus Tent Gutbloom Name: Work place Meaning: The paralysis that develops when your work place is so crazy you just read Medium all day on your computer. The tent symbolizes the fact that you work with clowns, strong men, and animals.

Emoji Name: Slot Machine Gutbloom Name: Conversational jackpot Meaning: The boredom you experience when someone completely ignores your over-the-top social signals (looking away, checking your watch, exhaling loudly) and continues to talk even though you have clearly communicated that you have no interest in what they are saying. Slot emoji is the shorthand version of, “I hit ‘blah, blah, blah’ on the conversational slot machine.”

Emoji Name: Soccer Ball Gutbloom Name: Flop Meaning: The special gratitude you feel when someone, like my wife, has sex with you even though they aren’t into it. Why a soccer ball? Because soccer is the game in which players “flop”, or go down with great drama and enthusiasm to help out their teammates, but nobody is buying it.
