OH, BABY!
4 Ways to Avoid the Worst Infant Fashion Faux Pas
Or, how not to wreck the runway
Our grandson’s not exactly a fashion icon. He just has a ton of clothes.
His Dad, no trendsetter himself, is a living, breathing billboard for the aphorism “more isn’t better, but it is best.”
I think D will learn to live by this sensible credo. But his Mom, my daughter, keeps getting in the way.
Here’s an example of why D’s Pops ultimately will win the game of knowing what to wear.
Much like long ago, when Moker and I were experimenting with the Parent Trap, D has a lot of little friends. Not his age, but just old enough to provide lots and lots of clothes.
That’s right, the gift that keeps on giving: hand-me-downs.
He’s got onesies, and two-sies — also known as shorts and Ts, or tiny little pants and coordinating tops. He’s got three-sies and four-sies, really, if his folks are interested in layering against the early spring chill.
He’s got a plethora of PJs, and loads of infant loungewear, and little sleep-sacks that look like plush formal wear for a four-month-old (sleeveless and flowing — no crime committed if my grandson wants to wear a dress). Plus itty-bitty outfits for the boudoir that make him look like the angel he truly is.
When Dad dresses him, D’s look is pretty much a melange of minute garments guaranteed to do the trick. In other words, keep the child comfortable in climate-appropriate wear. “Mix-and-match,” my Nana called it. By which she meant anything and everything is the go-to strategy, whether it is color-coordinated or not. Why glam him up when you’re gonna have to change him in the next 50 secs or so?
When Mom dresses him, D’s look is a whole ’nother deal.
The soccer onesie goes with the so-small-you’re-gonna-lose-them-in-the-next-wash soccer socks. Totes adorbs, yes. Pretty much practical? No way in a hella summer Sundays, if you’ll pardon my French.
As anyone who’s hung out with D and similarly age-challenged kids like him knows, that cuteness won’t last.
In fact, if will turn from a sweet chorus of “awwwwwwws,” to oodles of “ohmygawds” quicker than one can stammer the obvious.
“D pooped/peed himself — again?”
Yes, we’re at that stage all the baby books and online apps don’t emphasize enough, if you ask me. Bodily fluids don’t just run downhill with a little guy like D. They explode sideways, and dribble out of diapers at the most inopportune times.
They trickle down his lil neck and get lodged in booger-looking blobs in the precious folds beneath his chin.
They get kicked by active, spazzy rabbit feet, and end up in all corners of the changing table, and also sometimes in the soft down of hair on his once-balding pate.
You know, I wondered if D was gifted because he seemed to be saluting his uncle, who’s in the Navy. Turns out it’s what experts call a “startle reflex.” No biggie, even though D does view Uncle A as a personal hero. And that startle reflex gets a good workout when D is kicking his waste around.
So, let’s get down to brass tacks, as Nana would say, or mismatched socks, if you want to keep it age-appropriate. How does one keep a good-lookin’ guy like D swaddled, comfortable and, perhaps, avoid too many messes along the way?
- Stop the Midnight Madness. Yes, the beach hat, pictured above, is so presh I could perish, but will he ever wear it? Online ordering in the middle of the night is gonna be the death of your bank account, chica. And besides, I worry about the string designed to anchor the chapeau in place.
- We don’t need anymore “D’s Grandma” coffee mugs. OK, I only have one, as does Moker — his of the “Grandpa” variety, of course. Each adorned with a cute pic. But you’ll learn soon enough that mugs break in the dishwasher, and D’s sweet mug is gonna need funds for other things. Yeah, I’m still suffering sticker shock from laying out thousands to attire two kids in braces. And that was more than 20 years ago.
- Stop sneaking behind your hubby and changing D’s outfit. Mix-and-match is fine, dear. You should spend more time appreciating a man who can change a diaper and pick out a new outfit, even though we all know that orange and chartreuse are so last year in Paris fashion houses.
- Subscribe to the Bobby McFerrin School of Thought. Don’t Worry, Be Happy. Your lil fam is fed, warm and dry. Well, D’s still working on that last part, but you get my drift.
D starts daycare today, and his Mommy goes back to work at the end of the week. Pro tip: Send a bundle of those mix-and-match fits your hubby favors to school with D. His eruptions are gonna start happening in public now. A whole new set of worries, I know.