4 Ways Men Can Help Women Let Go of Shame in The Bedroom
Dear Men, we need you to help us heal
The anthem for most men is Usher Raymond’s iconic words:
I want a lady in the streets and freak in the bed
No matter how much they’ve wished and willed it to happen. Most women are nothing like the sexually liberated goddesses men imagine. It’s not that we don’t want to. It’s that most of us come into the bedroom crippled by shame.
We’re shamed for our bodies, shamed for our needs, shamed for our sexuality.
We’re told that our cellulite needs smoothing, our weight has to decrease, our butts have to plumb as two soccer balls, our legs have to be as smooth as a baby’s bottom. Our double D’s have to somehow defies gravity and remain taut. Our vagina must be as tight as a loosely clenched fist and as wet as a fountain. And my goodness, our pubic hair has to be trimmed, if not waxed.
One of the saddest things I’ve heard is when a number of my friends admitted to never accepting cunnilingus out of fear of smelling bad or not tasting good. Some resorted to douching and petal fragranced vaginal sprays. Oh, don’t get me started on vagina tightening creams. See where I’m going.
I mean, this is a recipe for terrible sex.
Society has conditioned us to value all this at the expense of our pleasure. I too am guilty of fixating on my flaws and even covering them up like the time I kept fixing my hair and covering my butt dimple during sex. My mind was not on sex but rather to look good for him.
Even if men can still climax in such situations, many would rather have a sexual experience where their partners surrender themselves to pleasure. Deep down every woman wants this for herself too but we need your help. Here are four ways men can help women let go of shame in the bedroom.
#1. Appreciate Her Body For What it is And Not What it Should Be.
The greatest gift you can give us is acceptance. Start by showing her how much you appreciate her body and sexuality. Tell her how beautiful her body is, flaws and all.
Keep reminding her of how good she smells and tastes. Let her know how drunk you get when you take in her scent. Show her how much you love that extra flab of fat under her belly.
Really go to town on her especially when her body doesn’t respond the way she expected it. And for heaven’s sake, don’t ignore her during her period like she’s got the plague or something; instead find a way to make her feel accepted, comfortable, and desired.
The more often you say it, the easier it will be to believe you.
Every reassurance you give her will help heal a part of her body, which will, of course, rebound nicely back to you in the form of less inhibited sex.
#2. Don’t be Entitled to Her Orgasm.
I’ve found that so many men are saddled with the expectation of giving a woman an orgasm at every single sexual encounter. That not only puts pressure on you, but it also puts pressure on her too.
What many men don’t know is that a woman’s orgasm is not necessarily correlated to your performance as a lover. I mean, sure, you might be that guy who has the rhythm and speed of a jackrabbit vibrator. You may be the guy who fucks like a pornstar or the one who’s mastered the Kama Sutra.
The absolute truth is that the female orgasm is skittish and elusive. Some days the sex can take us seconds to climax. While other times the same sexual routine can take us up to 20 minutes (or more) to climax. And another time, we might not be able to cum at all, even when you pull out your best moves. It isn’t your fault!
There are several reasons why this happens:
- Menstrual cycle, mother nature surely has a sense of humor, ovulation is the best time to have sex, we can cum again and again.
- Stress or distractions, like when we remember a pressing deadline, our daughter’s vaccination, the mounting dishes in the kitchen.
- Sometimes we honestly don’t know, our bodies act in a way that surprises us too.
The worst thing you can do in such situations is to make her feel like she’s taking too long.
Never ask her if she’s close, or how much more time she needs, it adds unnecessary pressure. However, keeping quiet and soldiering on is just as bad. A woman knows when her partner is fighting tooth and nail to hold off for her. That pressure alone sets her orgasm back even further.
The best thing you can do for her and yourself is to cum. Honestly, if you’re about to pop and feel, you can’t hold back another second…DO IT!
The idea that sex is over once you ejaculate is toxic. Sex is over when you both agree it is. So don’t roll over, sir; get back to business. The less pressure you feel, the less pressure she will feel.
#3. Be Authentic
Very often, sex is portrayed as something spontaneous, it happens in the heat of the moment when man and woman can’t help themselves. Though this sounds great and exciting, I’ve found that great sex very rarely happens this way.
Great sex happens when we take things slow and establish open communication before sex. The best way to foster such communication is by opening up about your fears and worries.
With open communication, sex takes on a different form.
I remember when a past lover opened up about his worry of not satisfying me with his curved penis. I assured him that it was okay, and we proceeded to do some research and found four ideal positions for his penis shape.
His vulnerability permitted me to lay out my fears.
I opened up about my trauma and rape. Together we learned how comfortable I was with certain things. We also came up with safe words to use when triggered and took it slow when the need arose.
He patiently asked me questions and was even more invested in the answers. The more I opened up, the closer I got to my healing. Together we created a safe zone in which we both freely communicate. There was no room for shame. Our sex life was equally fulfilling.
#4. Cheer her on!
One of the hottest things you can do is be her number one fan. Support her in finding and exploring her sexual pleasures.
Tell her how eager you are to hear her wants and needs in the bedroom. Tell her you love to watch her, feel her, and be with her.
Admire her naked body — rolls, flab, and all. And that you love the sounds she makes.
Let her know how much her pleasure gives you pleasure. And would love if she dropped all inhibitions and surrenders more to her sexuality. Remind her not to believe the voices in her head that tell her she doesn’t measure up — she really needs to hear it. Tell her you love her.
Sex is about cooperation, and the greatest gift you can give her is the power to free herself from the shackles of shame.
Want to read more articles like this? Sign up for Medium through my link here or join my email list here. And if you’re feeling generous, you can buy me some coffee here. In the mean time, enjoy the two articles below:
5 Reasons Why Women Lose Their Orgasm Mid-Coitus
How to Choose the Right Partner According to Psychoanalysis
©Dona Mwiria March 2022