4 Unexpected Features of Emotionally Intelligent People

1#: They know sincerity is not always the best choice

There are a lot of good articles out there about the features of emotionally intelligent people, but most of them focus on the same good, desirable qualities. Here I’ll talk about 4 unexpected features of the emotionally intelligent that are also good to have.

So without further ado, let’s get into it!

1. They know sincerity is not always the best choice

“A little sincerity is a dangerous thing, and a great deal of it is absolutely fatal.”

― Oscar Wilde

If you ask someone if they would rather know something that may hurt them, many people would say yes without hesitation. They would say they want to know the truth. However, this answer is motivated by the fact that they know there is something they don’t know.

In reality, there are times in which it’s an unnecessary pain to let them know something that may hurt them. Of course, it’s not always the case, but emotionally intelligent people know when to give more weight to honesty and when to give it to taking care of other’s emotions.

That is, emotional intelligence is sometimes about hiding a painful truth.

The rule of thumb I apply for this is: If some issue concerns my feelings, being sincere is the way to go most of the time. Whereas if I’m talking about something that only concerns the feelings of the other person, most of the time taking care of their emotions is the best choice.

Two examples:

1. If my partner asks me if I like her mother and I don’t, I have to be honest about it because it concerns how I feel. There are ways and ways of saying things, but the truth must be there. There is no good in hiding how I feel because it will probably hurt both of us more in the long term.
2. But, if my partner tells me about some discussion she had with her mother and I don’t think she is right, I will always take care of her emotions by garnishing the truth. It’s not that big of a deal to hide the harsh truth at that moment because their discussion has nothing to do with my feelings. Other times you will agree with your partner and you will honestly say: “You are completely right!” But I’m not talking about those easy moments!

Takeaway:

Emotionally intelligent people know that sincerity is not always the answer and they know how to balance it with taking care of others’ emotions. They always try to reduce the pain they cause, but they know sometimes pain is simply unnecessary.

2. They know how to say “no”

“When you say yes to others, make sure you are not saying no to yourself.”

— Paulo Coelho

Some people confuse being emotionally intelligent with traits such as being agreeable or altruistic. Well, those are good-looking features but emotional intelligence is sometimes less politically correct.

What happens when one of our emotions conflicts with the emotion of the other person? Let me show what an emotionally intelligent person would do with a toy example:

Imagine you are having a great dinner with your partner at a restaurant that she loves. Your partner, with a smile on her face, suggests ordering a vegetarian pizza to share. You look at her with a poker face: “Oh, shit… I had forgotten! She loves this place because of the veggie pizza!”

But you hate it. You wanted to order some nice, crispy ribs instead… Now, what do you do? There are three options:

• You say: “I hate that pizza… I’ll take the ribs.”
• You say: “Okay, the veggie is alright!”
• You say: “Well, I prefer the ribs. I know you love so much veggie pizza but I don’t quite like it. We can share the dessert!”

The first option is simply emotionally non-intelligent. You’ll get what you want but there are better things to express it (this is a toy example but there’ll be more serious situations). This is not what you would like in a partner. Don’t do this.

The second option is what people may think an emotionally intelligent person would do. Not true. This is a way to put the other person’s wants before yours. It’s nice to hear because you are being agreeable but it’s not healthy.

The third option is usually the best option. You take care of your emotions by saying no. You express what you want while you acknowledge that you know what the other person wants. In more important situations this may lead to conflict, however, it is the emotionally intelligent thing to do.

Takeaway:

Emotionally intelligent people know that sometimes saying “no” is just taking care of their emotions by putting them before those of other person. And they know how to express it in the best way possible.

3. They know how to embrace painful emotions

“The root of all suffering is attachment.”

— Buddha

I hate the idea that life is about finding and keeping happiness. I don’t buy it and emotionally intelligent people don’t either.

We all know what happiness feels like. There is no need to describe it. And we all know also that as it comes, it goes. Why does it go if it feels so good? Is there a way to be happy forever? Isn’t the goal of emotional intelligence to find a way to always feel good?

Well, not at all.

Emotional intelligence is the ability (to call it that way) of living in calm with whichever emotion you feel. Emotionally intelligent people don’t go searching for happiness, they know it will come again, always.

Whenever you are in life, it will come again. And it will go once more after that. It’s a never-ending cycle.

And the rest of the time, there are other emotions that will be present. They appear for a reason and it’s important to listen to them (although not necessarily obey to what they say).

And some of them will hurt. But emotionally intelligent people know that pain doesn’t equate to bad. Pleasurable and painful emotions are both good.

If they hurt too much it’s our duty to master them. If we simply run from them when they appear, we will never be able to find peace.

To put it in one sentence: emotionally intelligent people embrace happiness when it arrives and let it go when it wants to go, and they do the same with every other emotion.

Takeaway:

Emotionally intelligent people don’t differentiate emotions by positive or negative. They know that, although some emotions feel better than others, all are trying to do us good. They simply teach them to adapt better to reality. They don’t chase after pleasurable emotions and don’t hide from painful ones.

4. They know the power of crying

“To weep is to make less the depth of grief.”

— William Shakespeare

You may think that the emotionally intelligent have life figured out. That everything is fine around them, as it is for those monks living in The Himalayas. Well, nothing further from the truth.

The emotionally intelligent know that there is no way to figure life out. Life sometimes is and will keep being hard and raw.

And they cry for it.

They cry because they know crying doesn’t make them weak. In fact, they know it makes them strong.

Crying is a way to express vulnerability about what hurts them. They reduce their pain by acknowledging it: They won’t suffer because they suffer.

They recognize crying as a tool to express and liberate emotional burden and often they are even happy when they know a crying session is about to come: “Oh, perfect! My body wants to cry tonight. I will feel much better tomorrow!”

Crying is an evolutionary tool for expressing feelings. Use it.

Takeaway:

Emotionally intelligent people cry. And they cry a lot more than other people. They cry because they feel bad, they cry because life is hard, they cry without knowing the reason. And often they cry happily because they know its usefulness in making them feel better. They cry because they know acknowledging the pain is the best way to reduce the pain.

Summary

1. They know sincerity is not always the best choice
2. They know how to say “no”
3. They know how to embrace painful emotions
4. They know the power of crying