4 Toxic Traits of Competitive People

Don’t let your competitive nature ruin your future

I’m a competitive twin.

I have been since the day I left the womb but the trouble didn’t really start until I started school. It was very subtle at first, almost too subtle to even notice it. The it I’m referring to is my inability to lose or as my dad likes to call it, my ‘competitive nature’. Everything became a competition to me and I would only stop when I won the game or got better results in a test.

I ended up pushing my twin brother away as a result. He didn’t like the constant comparisons and me turning everything we did together into a competition. I drained the fun out of everything.

But my competitive nature isn’t just seen when I’m with my twin, it leaks into every aspect of my life, for better or for worse. Yes, there are benefits to being competitive, such as my unshakeable resolve to succeed but, in my experience there are an awful lot more negatives than positives.

Here are four toxic traits of competitive people:

1. We don’t try anything new

This one really does lead me down the path of failure in life. Trying new things is essential, it’s how we learn and grow as people as well as find new hobbies that make life that bit more enjoyable. But, like other extremely competitive people, I just can’t bring myself to do it.

Trying something new and starting from scratch means being a complete beginner at it with a very low chance of being successful.

My worst nightmare.

Like so many others that are cursed with the burden of being overly competitive, I can’t stand not being the best at whatever I’m doing. By starting something new, I subject myself to the torture that is being no good at something.

This isn’t nice for anybody but for people like me, it’s soul degrading. When your only desire is to win everything that you do and be the best, you think less of yourself when you’re not. Your confidence plummets and you feel like a fraud.

Not only do I feel like a stranger in my own body, I get extremely annoyed. The activity becomes unenjoyable and so help anybody in the near vicinity that so happens to be beating me. I become the worst version of myself when I’m no good at something. I become nasty and disrespectful. I make sly remarks under my breath and I always live to regret stooping that low.

So I don’t start anything new. It makes me turn into an incredibly nasty person, easily irritated and just simply unpleasant to be around.

2. We quit if we are not the best

On the off chance that I do start something new, I quit it almost immediately for the same reason that I never start anything new in the first place, I don’t like not being the best.

Most people quit things they aren’t good at after some time because most of the time, things aren’t enjoyable if, even after giving yourself some time to get better, you’re no good at them.

I take this to the extreme though. There is nothing wrong with giving something a fair shot, finding out you’re not very good at it or you don’t enjoy it and deciding to give it up.

The problem lies where no fair shot is given. It’s almost as if I get cold feet. After biting the bullet to start something new, I cave. I can’t handle the pressure I put on myself to be the best because I’ve just started. I’m the furthest you can be from the top, I’m at the bottom, yet I expect myself to be the best by tomorrow.

The pressure comes from within. My competitive drive is screaming at me to be the best. So I quit because the task ahead is so daunting. As a competitive person, I don’t see starting something new as a journey of enjoyment and setbacks, I only see the end goal and if I don’t get there immediately, I quit.

This is a problem.

Competitive people like me have this mindset where if we aren’t good at something immediately we quit. This eliminates the very thing that allows people to become the best version of themselves, learning through trial and error while riding the ups and downs that learning something new brings with it.

3. We ruin relationships by turning everything into a competition

As a competitive twin I have always turned everything we do together into a competition. I would only stop when I won the game or got better results in a test. It wasn’t like this was discrete either. I made a point to actively tell my twin that I had won or done better than him or, god forgive, he beat me I would say how unfair the rules were or how it was stupid anyways.

This is toxic behaviour. Constantly comparing the other person to you and always pointing out that you do better than them in this and that, makes the other person feel terrible about themselves.

My twin brother didn’t like it so he stopped doing the things we used to do together. He wouldn’t play basketball with me outside or talk about school with me because he was sick and tired of me knocking his achievements and rubbing it in when I beat him.

Constant comparisons break down relationships. Nobody wants to be in a situation where their self confidence is constantly being knocked.

This is second nature to competitive people. We are too quick to judge others on their abilities because we wonder if we could beat them. We naturally think that everything is a competition that has to be won and we’ll bring down our opponents on our way to the top, no matter who they are.

4. We only feel validated when we are the best

We base our self worth off of how much we win and how good we are at the things we do. Self validation often doesn’t cut it for us, we need that external praise to feel validated, hence why we turn everything into a competition, we want praise from others for winning.

This isn’t healthy.

We become so obsessed with winning that if we lose or are bad at something it’s almost like an out of body experience for us. Losing and not being the best is a foreign concept to a lot of us.

After all, who am I if I’m not the best at that sport?

Our whole personality is based around the fact that we are good at this and that. So what happens when we don’t win or don’t do well?

We feel like an imposter in our own bodies. We don’t know who we are without winning. It’s like we’re all teenagers again, going through an identity crisis because we cannot separate who we are from how good we are at certain things. To us, they’re one in the same.

Final Thoughts

A competitive spirit is often praised in this day and age where work comes before pleasure and success comes at the expense of other people.

But the reality of being extremely competitive isn’t glamourous. Yes, it has it’s bonuses but it also has its extreme negatives.

Life isn’t one big competition for a very good reason. It ruins peoples self esteem, ability to grow and relationships.

Treating everything like it’s a competition is self-sabotage but for people like me, it’s hard to stop.

But don’t lose faith, it’s not impossible. The fact that you have red this article and are now aware of some toxic traits you may have is a step in the right direction.

I’m an example of how people can change. I just started surfing, I’m no good at it but I haven’t quit and I’m not going to.

My twin brother and I have a great relationship now. I recognised my mistake of constantly comparing him to me and made the very conscious effort to stop.

I no longer place all of my self worth in my sports and academic achievements, I’m still me without all of them. I’m still a girl with friends, family, interests and opinions. They don’t change just because I’m not the best basketball player in the country or I didn’t get an ‘A’ in my last test.

Make the conscious effort to change and tackle your toxic traits head on.

It is as simple as just losing on purpose or starting something new. It may seem difficult, believe me I know, but something so daunting doesn’t have to have a complicated solution. You just need to be aware of your toxic traits in order to counteract them by doing the opposite.