4 Things You Need To Let Go To Get The Best Out Of Your Life
Practical guidance for applying the stoic philosophy to unleash your potential
We hold on to a lot of things that hold us back. It holds us from growing and getting something new. And the only reason we keep holding on to it is — that’s all we knew. And it worked for us before. So we feel comfortable holding on to them, even if it meant staying in our lane for too long. It is more comfortable than trying something without knowing its outcomes or to where it’s going to lead us.
Little do we know, the only way to be free and get the best of our lives is to grow, and to grow, we need to identify what holds us, and let it go.
Let go of your need for approval
“It never ceases to amaze me: We all love ourselves more than other people, but care more about their opinion than our own.” — Marcus Aurelius
We love ourselves, and this is a fact. That’s why the first person we look for in a group picture is ourselves. We love to get credit for what we have done, and we love to get compliments and praise — but what if we didn’t get what we expected? And nobody gives us the credit we deserved?
Knowing your goal is the key to predict the result. If your goal is to get praise, compliment, or applause for something you’ve done, then you will spend your entire life seeking it and enslaving your mind to the need for approval — this means giving others the power to determine your worth.
The only way to free yourself from that is to know your worth, your capabilities, and to do the things you want to do that will make you feel good about yourself and serve others who need it.
We need to love ourselves to give love to others. We need to have a sense of inner peace to let others feel it too. We need to have time for our own before we make time for others — in a simple phrase, “You can’t give what you don’t have.” So have enough first and then give others — but you can only do that if you stopped caring about other people’s opinions more than your own. And to stop seeking approval you need to:
- Know the roots of your approval-seeking behavior and what caused you to act this way.
- Stop worrying about disappointing someone or getting rejected. Knowing that the world won’t end, and you will be just fine.
- Focus on enjoying the process and let the outcome be as it is.
- Keep learning and adopt a growth mindset.
- Accept yourself for who you are. That’s what makes you unique, and that’s all you need.
Let go of your anger
“You shouldn’t give circumstances the power to rouse anger, for they don’t care at all.” — Marcus Aurelius
If you look around, you may find a million reasons to feel angry about. We are surrounded by injustice, inequality, wars, climate change, relationship issues, bills, etc. But behind all of that — your anger changes nothing.
Whatever happened has happened, and you can’t do anything about it. Do what you need to do to avoid whatever you fear is coming — and if nothing works, then let it be as it is.
People have a supernatural ability to raise each other’s temper and make your blood boil — and sometimes, it seems like the entire world has nothing but one plan; to ruin your day and make you angry — and it’s alright.
When we’re angry, we can do some stupid act or say something we might regret. And for that, we need to control our anger and be aware of the emotions we have at the moment. And here are five things that can help you manage your anger:
- Step away: Stepping away from a heated argument or situation can save you from an upcoming action that might not only ruin your day but your life. Not just from your side. But from the other person’s side.
- Take a deep breath: Breathing will make it easier for your mind to break from a fight-or-flight mode. And what you need to do is to have a controlled breath by inhaling through your nose to your belly. Slowly exhale through your mouth. And repeat it as needed.
- Talking yourself out: Finding a proper thing to tell a person when he/she is angry can de-escalate the issue and make them calmer. And at that moment, telling yourself something like: “It is going to be OK.” “It’s not worth it. You’re better than this” can make you calmer. And it won’t matter if you’re saying it out loud or to yourself. Find your calming phrases and keep repeating it.
- Write it down and let it out: When you’re angry, you build up negative emotions inside of you that need to be out somehow. These feelings could easily overwhelm your mind and make you do or say something you won’t normally do in your calm state. Your mind doesn’t know the difference between letting out the negative emotions to a piece of paper or a person. As long as you don’t keep it inside of you. Letting out those emotions is crucial, so write what’s going on in your mind, and answer those questions: What do you feel at this moment? What made you feel this way? How upset that made you? How different you want this situation to be?
- Distract yourself: Find the things you’re enjoying. You can go to walk, do yoga, play on an instrument, draw, dance, and listen to music, etc.
Alongside those million reasons for your anger, there are a lot of situations where your anger is unjustified and makes you nothing but an asshole.
While I was waiting at a fast-food restaurant — a guy walked in, made an order, and waited for like five minutes, then he starts yelling and cursing, complaining about how slow the workers are — and he needs his meal right away.
Like everyone else, I got angry and asked him to be patient and wait for his turn — or he can get the hell out.
“You do not understand, I need to eat,” he said in an angry voice. And I told him I don’t care — he needs to behave himself and have some respect. On his way out, the guys just collapsed on the floor — an ambulance arrived surprisingly fast — and after a while, we knew that he was diabetic and was having hypoglycemia (low blood sugar). Out of this situation, I have never felt like an absolute asshole like I felt on that day.
It is easy to judge people based on what you see, and because we do not understand what they are facing; we call them rude, assholes, pricks, and all sorts of names as soon as they act in a certain way we don’t like.
Maybe they are rude, who knows? Still will cost you nothing to be better.
What we need to do is to stop assuming the worst in others and try to give them the benefit of the doubt. And remember, there’s always a story behind every picture — and as Abraham Lincoln once said:
“Don’t criticize them; they are just what we would be under similar circumstances.”
You have your own issues to worry about, and so does everyone — yet, not everyone can deal with their problems the same way you do. So next time before you make an assumption about a person, ask yourself — why they behave the way they do? And see how amazed you can be when you find out.
Let go of what you can’t control
“There is only one way to happiness and that is to cease worrying about things which are beyond the power of our will.” — Seneca
Nothing can be more excruciating than feeling helpless. Seen the people you love suffer. Watching everything you ever worked for taking away. Getting rejected.
Those are the situations when you have absolutely no power, and the easiest thing for us to do is to feel angry, frustrated, hopeless, and lose faith. When we let our feelings take over, we are permitting anxiety, panic, and fear to have control over our minds — which leads to chaos and regretful actions.
Sometimes the best thing to do is nothing. Surround yourself and let it be as it is — and you will handle whatever comes to your way.
Think about how many insurmountable situations you have survived in your life that you thought you will never make it through. Yet, here you’re — and still have a lot to face and another challenge to survive.
To let go of what you can’t control, you need to develop two mindsets:
- Focusing on what you can control like your attitude, knowledge, health, etc.
- Understanding that you can’t get back and change what happened or what’s going to happen. But you can always choose what future you want to create.
The fear of uncertainty can leave us with more questions than answers. And the key question is, what if…
And as Ryan Holiday beautifully explained it:
“Sometimes the only answer to ‘what if…’ is, It will suck but we’ll be okay.”
Let go of your adversities
“The true man is revealed in difficult times. So when trouble comes, think of yourself as a wrestler whom God, like a trainer, has paired with a tough young buck. For what purpose? To turn you into Olympic-class material.” — Epictetus
When we face an obstacle, we are facing something we haven’t trained for. Our emotions can take over — and one of the best things we can ever do is to take those emotions and aim them toward something else.
Problems shape our minds. It prepares us to be better people, and we can learn a lot from a tragedy than from joy. Not every critical event that happens to us is a bad thing. Matter of fact, it could be the best thing that can ever happen to us.
The anger Mohammad Ali felt when he was 12-year-old after his bicycle got stolen — is what got him into boxing to become one of the greatest boxers in history. The Sadness Mo Gawdat faced when he lost his son drove him to discover a way to happiness. Surviving the Nazi death camp led Viktor Frankl to find the meaning of his life.
Losing her mother and suffer from domestic abuse by her husband, getting divorced, become homeless — and raising a child as a single mom, is what made Joanne. K. Rowling writes Harry Potter that became one of the best-selling fantasy novels in history.
Tragedies and misfortunes might be the spark you needed to ignite the fire inside of you. To unleash your potential. And the moment you learn to use your emotions to create something is the moment will find out the truth about why you were born. Maybe losing a person is what we need to find ourselves, breaking up to find genuine love — or losing a job to find a better one.
