4 Things I No Longer Say

And why my life is happier that way

As a psycholinguist by training and a multilingual writer, my brain has always been extra attuned to language. I can’t ride a bus or sit in a coffee shop without curiously analyzing accents and word choices. But it was only a couple of years ago that I started to pay attention to my words on a whole new level: I began seeing them as micro choices that either spurred or stunted my growth.

At 30, my life changed, almost with a push of a button. In one pocket, I held my newly awarded Ph.D. degree and ambitious plans. On the other, an ignored illness that was silently spiraling into a disability and forcing me to reshape my entire existence simply to survive. For a time, my full-time job became a living. Rebuilding my identity and self-worth was hardest of all; they were shaken by my sudden career change, my scarred body, and by my fragile relationships that cracked as I strived to feel whole.

Here are 4 things I stopped saying because they were no longer aligned with the way I wanted to live.

1. “Sorry for the delay”

Academia fed the restlessness that had been part of my character since I was two. I thrived on challenges and deadlines. Work-life balance, what’s that? Much of grad school felt like a clock whispering loudly in my ear. “Let’s stop the clock!” my supervisor would say when I needed time off for treatments without jeopardizing my degree requirements. I had what one of my lab-mates referred to as “fire up the butt”. I’d feel a strange sense of pride when they’d say I answered emails faster than an auto-reply. And, when I didn’t, my emails would begin with “Sorry for the delay”. It wasn’t really a delay, and I wasn’t really sorry. It stemmed from a tangle of kindness, guilt for not behaving as expected, and an illusion of productivity. This sentence lingered in my emails to clients as an entrepreneur for a long while after I left academia until my mindset about productivity gradually changed. I lost interest in the hustle in my quest for wellness. I lost interest in that awful guilt that squeezes air out of my chest for simply choosing myself. I lost interest in having to justify what I prioritize unless I’m genuinely ruining someone’s plans. I now save my sorries for when I’ve hurt someone.

2. “Fine, you?”

Is there anything worse than a mindless exchange of “- How are you? - Good, you? - Good, you?” (Huh? That last round always gives me a jolt!) If there’s anything the last 20 years of living inside my body have taught me, it’s that it’s never that simple, and I’m fairly certain that applies to everyone regardless of their health status. Why the superficial brevity? Would we burden the person if we answered like a human being (hmm, maybe, bearing in mind that human beings typically feel all the feels at once)? Whether it’s a real inquiry or just some formulaic small talk, it’s irritating! All we’re communicating is that we don’t really care about each other. Wouldn’t it be a great exercise in empathy and awareness if this ritual were a little more mindful? I now make an effort to answer more thoughtfully. A little tired, but hanging in there. As good as can be given the circumstances. Good, I’m looking forward to a little getaway next week. Meh, it’s been a rough week. Not great, I got some bad news today…I may not feel like diving into details, but this subtle change in how I answer has sparked several meaningful interactions.

3. “I don’t have time” or “I’m very / super / too busy”

It’s in my nature to get overwhelmed, but it’s also totally self-inflicted, with several lines of work and a new passion budding every week. I still catch these words on my lips sometimes, but try very hard to avoid them. For one, I remind myself to acknowledge my privilege and that today’s overwhelm is the abundance I worked towards yesterday (and for years before that). I am grateful for my busyness and I’d hate to take it for granted even for a minute. Having so many passions and commitments has also taught me that there is magically always time for what matters and that what matters can change every day. If I’m “too busy” today, it means it’s not my priority today, but might be tomorrow. If I’m “too busy” for the foreseeable and unforeseeable future, then I’d rather politely say no. Truthfully, it’s rarely a question of “I don’t have time” but rather, “I don’t want to make the time (right now)”.

4. “Did I do something wrong?”

Hi, my name is Kristina, I’m 36, and I’m a recovering validation seeker. I am also an empath with freakish “mind-reading” abilities, which means I often find myself in the unique position of feeling what people feel before they may even realize they feel it. These two traits don’t mix well. I spent much of high school asking the popular girls if I’d done something wrong to fall out of favor with them but was always reassured I was imagining their coldness (I wasn’t). I recently had to break my own rule and ask my best friend if she was upset about something I’d said or done because my gut kept nudging me that there was a conflict festering silently beneath the surface. But the thing is, it’s not up to me to probe people or put the words in their mouths. It’s not up to me to mind-read. It’s up to them to be transparent. If I sense I may have inadvertently hurt someone, I apologize, without asking if I did something wrong. My intuitive apology creates the opening to settle the silent conflict if there is one; if transparency fails to follow, then it’s not really my fault if the conflict festers.

Do you live by any of these, too? Let me know in a comment what you no longer say and why life is better that way.

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Thank you for being here.

You can also find me on the web or social media at veni.etiam.photography (if you love to travel, photography, and colorful home decor) or Kristina Kasparian (if you’re interested in my advocacy work for endometriosis and other chronic conditions).