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Abstract

the child’s formative years, that affects how the child bonds, or attaches to their parents and others. Most research focuses on attachment trauma in children, because this is where attachment wounds begin. Yet, these wounds don’t just “go away” when we’re adults. We don’t simply move on like they were never there.Instead, these wounds can compile, stack on top of each other, and continue leaving their mark on our lives. As adults, attachment trauma and shame operate covertly, under the radar, and unconsciously guiding our behavior, often as self-sabotage. This is what keeps our walls up, people at arms-distance, and our relationships based on shallow investment, because these don’t trigger our wounds…but they trigger our shame.It’s only when we begin chipping away at our wall one brick at a time, or we begin dipping our toes in the water before taking that deep dive into self-discovery, that we start seeing how our attachment wounds have been at the wheel. We’ve merely been sitting shotgun.On this unconscious level, our attachment trauma doesn’t recognize that we’re adults. It doesn’t see that things like shame, fears of abandonment, or fears of engulfment don’t just end when we become adults. These are the wounds that stick. They are perpetuated from one attachment wound to another. They affect our choices, our ability to trust our partner, and our ability to be present in our relationships.Shame-based attachment wounds are many, but four of the main ones I commonly see include:Overly Independent. Some who have experienced attachment trauma in childhood may become overly independent as adults. They may feel embarrassed or ashamed to ask for help, or may feel that there is something ‘wrong’ with them and that they’ll be judged for needing support. Their relationships are often kept at arms-distance because many who experience this phenomenon also have deep fears of engulfment, or “disappearing” in a relationship.At the core of this dynamic is often a pseudo-independence. Often times, independence isn’t based on an authentic foundation of self-sufficiency or self-trust, but is based on not looking incompetent or needy. They may overcompensate by pushing people away (which is counterintuitive to actually getting the support or connection they want). They may be viewed as petulant or verbally aggressive in getting their unmet needs met as a toxic, but common self-protective strategy.When being overly independent surfaces in our lives after experiencing early attachment trauma, we often exchange connection and vulnerability with others for fierce “independence” that keeps us chained to a cycle of feeling alone. The result is that we wind up reliving our attachment wounds by establishing our independence in an unhealthy way.Relationship Dependency (or Addiction). The flip-side of being fiercely independent, is being overly dependent, or having a compulsion to always “need” a relationship to define our sense of identity, or belonging. If our needs for connection, safety or love were disrupted in childhood, these attachment wounds can show up as having a shaky sense of Self identity where we don’t know “who” we are. We may have a long list of exes, or we may change who we “are” based on who we’re with.When relationships become an addiction, or there’s a compulsion to always be in a relationship, the underlying reason is often because we weren’t taught to value and know ourselves as an individual. We may have grown up in a codependent environment where our parents or caregivers had the same pattern and so we learned by proxy.When being overly dependent surfaces in our lives, our sense of Self often falls to the wayside where we don’t feel complete or whole unless we’re identified through our relationships, which negatively reinforces this pattern of self-sabotage and feelings of shame. The result is that we wind up reliving our attachment wounds by “chasing” the next relationship while “running” from the attachment wounds that created the pattern of shame, thus reinforcing the feelings of shame. The pattern plays out by chasing the very thing we swore off which triggers our shame, and the need to again run from it.<

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/p>Disappearing. Disappearing is also known as emotional detachment, going “numb”, or withdrawing from connection, socialization, or intimacy. For those with unresolved attachment trauma, wanting to disappear can be positively correlated with emotional intimacy and vulnerability — the more we value someone’s attention, opinion, or the more significant they become to us, the more our attachment trauma can be triggered, resulting in an increased desire to disappear.Wanting to disappear is often the result of attachment trauma that left us feeling unseen and unheard. Wounds that are based on feeling insignificant or dismissed in childhood result in feeling ashamed of fearing abandonment in our adult lives, so we often abandon first. The adage: “Abandon before I get abandoned; leave before I get left behind.”These wounds often start from negligent or domineering parents or caregivers who didn’t tend to our emotional needs, or our feelings. We may have scolded and told to have a “stiff upper lip” or to “suck it up and stop whining”. These teach a vulnerable and impressionable child that they don’t matter, but that their image and impressing their parents do.When feeling the need to disappear surfaces in our lives, the result is that we often discard one relationship that triggers our shame (and our need to disappear) to alleviate the feelings of shame. When there’s a habit of wanting to disappear, it’s usually around the people we are closest to because the risk of feeling ashamed of our wounds can feel the strongest.Multitasking (Distracted). A common theme for many of us who have experienced attachment trauma is to distract ourselves. Distraction is identified as anything that is used or done to avoid or escape painful memories, vulnerable emotions, or past trauma. And, these are all experiences that can trigger shame. Distractions can be anything — serial dating, an inability to be alone, video games, sex, shopping, gym addiction, workaholism, eating or diet addictions, drug/alcohol dependency, or pretty much anything that: A) numbs painful emotions or memories in the moment that trigger shame, by B) providing other emotions or experiences that are emotional bandaids, which C) trigger more shame once the distraction wears off.Another common theme is to distract ourselves via multitasking. When this pattern happens, we’ve often moved past a single distraction to needing more than one at the same time to push away painful emotions, or traumatic memories. For example, we may have a habit of listening to a podcast while at work (done to push away intrusive thoughts, or to numb us in the moment). We may have a constant impulse to be on our phone or check our phone when with our S.O., or around friends. Or, we may be in the habit of compulsively working out while also tacking on dangerous or risky diets. Or, we may have “graduated” from a few beers on a Friday night, to mixing hard alcohol and beer or mixing alcohol with drugs.All distractions are based on self-sabotage when they’re used to ignore, to avoid, to dismiss, or to deny.Getting off the merry-go-round is painful. That’s a hard truth we all need to accept if growth, and healing are our goal. The reason we jumped on the ride in the first place was to distract ourselves by disappearing, or “chasing” our next mistake, or becoming dependent on relationships in the process, or trying to convince ourselves that we don’t need anyone. The fact that these patterns are turned to is where our attention should be, not that we’re engaging in them, because that only breeds more shame.Attachment trauma doesn’t start and end in childhood. It’s a toxic cycle that always begins in childhood, but it’s up to us to recognize where our needs are, where our wounds are, and what is driving us to remain stuck in these patterns. Only then, can we emerge from them, stronger…and wiser.<h1 id="e928">Ready To Get Empowered?</h1>I’ve helped thousands over the years to break the cycle of self-sabotage, codependency, and addictive/trauma bonded relationships based on attachment trauma. I know I can help you, too. Click <a href="https://behaviorthrive.com/">here</a> to work with me.</article></body>

4 Surprising Shame-Based Attachment Wounds

These lead to a pattern of self-betrayal in our relationships

Our patterns, cycles, and inter-generational trauma often tell a different story from the one we tell ourselves. Many of us struggle to believe it, and some may outright deny it, but how we see ourselves today is a direct result of our earliest lived experiences. By the time we’re adults, we have developed an inner radar of how we connect — or disconnect — from those in our lives. We’ve learned to adapt to our survival patterns, and may have been handed the torch to carry.

Some fight it, and wind up fighting themselves in the process because they don’t know how to unlearn the messages they were taught. So, they keep holding that torch. And, they keep fighting battles within themselves.

I’ve met some who wear blinders in all of their relationships — marching to the same song and dance they learned from their caregivers. I’ve met many who have denied their pain for so long that they’ve fooled themselves into believing their lived experiences haven’t affected them. Instead of facing their pain, they run from it, they distract themselves, and they chase the very self-sabotage they swore off. They settle. They continue denying. They fool themselves into believing they deserved their pain, and so they give themselves more.

All while continuing down the same path and playing the same role their caregivers handed them.

If we were raised with love and consistency, we typically grow up having a secure base, and will connect with others in a healthy way based on these values. Most kids who were raised learning to value connection and love over attention and lust will carry these messages into their adult lives as healthy mirrored reflections of a relatively stable upbringing. And while no childhood is “perfect”, when we’re raised learning that the world and the people in it are basically good, the biggest payout from this upbringing is the gift of our Self remaining intact.

On the flip-side, if our childhood was based on abuse, neglect, or inconsistency, the messages we may have been handed are that others only care about themselves and that relationships are based on self-interest. It’s common to see a child who grows up in a toxic environment learning to navigate the world and their relationships based on survival mode. Because of this learned conditioning, it’s also common for anyone who has experienced abandonment, or went through their childhood feeling unheard or unseen to develop a cruel inner critic that keeps them devaluing themselves, and living in shame.

Sometimes what perpetuates shame is not the shame itself, but the self-preservation strategies we’ve adapted along the way.

If as kids, our mother conditioned us to buy into her misbelief that our value is based on always being in a relationship, we’re handed two choices: A) defy these misbeliefs and the shame and attachment trauma by separating our value and worth from needing a relationship, or B) continue with a long list of exes and risk settling for a relationship that becomes the Poster Child of our unresolved attachment trauma.

Choose wisely.

If we learned from our parents that children are supposed to be shamed, physically and emotionally abused, or that our value is based on our performance or achievements, we’re handed two choices: A) defy this conditioning and the shame that is attached to feeling we need to be “perfect” while focusing on healing our attachment trauma, or B) remain locked in a cycle of people-pleasing, overthinking, perfectionism, and self-betrayal.

Choose wisely.

It’s the shame that prevents change and triggers the compulsion to self-sabotage. It’s the same shame that keeps us locked and loaded in this pattern of not choosing wisely for ourselves.

Childhood Attachment Trauma & Adult Patterns

Attachment trauma is defined as a disruption between parent/child in the child’s formative years, that affects how the child bonds, or attaches to their parents and others. Most research focuses on attachment trauma in children, because this is where attachment wounds begin. Yet, these wounds don’t just “go away” when we’re adults. We don’t simply move on like they were never there.

Instead, these wounds can compile, stack on top of each other, and continue leaving their mark on our lives. As adults, attachment trauma and shame operate covertly, under the radar, and unconsciously guiding our behavior, often as self-sabotage. This is what keeps our walls up, people at arms-distance, and our relationships based on shallow investment, because these don’t trigger our wounds…but they trigger our shame.

It’s only when we begin chipping away at our wall one brick at a time, or we begin dipping our toes in the water before taking that deep dive into self-discovery, that we start seeing how our attachment wounds have been at the wheel. We’ve merely been sitting shotgun.

On this unconscious level, our attachment trauma doesn’t recognize that we’re adults. It doesn’t see that things like shame, fears of abandonment, or fears of engulfment don’t just end when we become adults. These are the wounds that stick. They are perpetuated from one attachment wound to another. They affect our choices, our ability to trust our partner, and our ability to be present in our relationships.

Shame-based attachment wounds are many, but four of the main ones I commonly see include:

Overly Independent. Some who have experienced attachment trauma in childhood may become overly independent as adults. They may feel embarrassed or ashamed to ask for help, or may feel that there is something ‘wrong’ with them and that they’ll be judged for needing support. Their relationships are often kept at arms-distance because many who experience this phenomenon also have deep fears of engulfment, or “disappearing” in a relationship.

At the core of this dynamic is often a pseudo-independence. Often times, independence isn’t based on an authentic foundation of self-sufficiency or self-trust, but is based on not looking incompetent or needy. They may overcompensate by pushing people away (which is counterintuitive to actually getting the support or connection they want). They may be viewed as petulant or verbally aggressive in getting their unmet needs met as a toxic, but common self-protective strategy.

When being overly independent surfaces in our lives after experiencing early attachment trauma, we often exchange connection and vulnerability with others for fierce “independence” that keeps us chained to a cycle of feeling alone. The result is that we wind up reliving our attachment wounds by establishing our independence in an unhealthy way.

Relationship Dependency (or Addiction). The flip-side of being fiercely independent, is being overly dependent, or having a compulsion to always “need” a relationship to define our sense of identity, or belonging. If our needs for connection, safety or love were disrupted in childhood, these attachment wounds can show up as having a shaky sense of Self identity where we don’t know “who” we are. We may have a long list of exes, or we may change who we “are” based on who we’re with.

When relationships become an addiction, or there’s a compulsion to always be in a relationship, the underlying reason is often because we weren’t taught to value and know ourselves as an individual. We may have grown up in a codependent environment where our parents or caregivers had the same pattern and so we learned by proxy.

When being overly dependent surfaces in our lives, our sense of Self often falls to the wayside where we don’t feel complete or whole unless we’re identified through our relationships, which negatively reinforces this pattern of self-sabotage and feelings of shame. The result is that we wind up reliving our attachment wounds by “chasing” the next relationship while “running” from the attachment wounds that created the pattern of shame, thus reinforcing the feelings of shame. The pattern plays out by chasing the very thing we swore off which triggers our shame, and the need to again run from it.

Disappearing. Disappearing is also known as emotional detachment, going “numb”, or withdrawing from connection, socialization, or intimacy. For those with unresolved attachment trauma, wanting to disappear can be positively correlated with emotional intimacy and vulnerability — the more we value someone’s attention, opinion, or the more significant they become to us, the more our attachment trauma can be triggered, resulting in an increased desire to disappear.

Wanting to disappear is often the result of attachment trauma that left us feeling unseen and unheard. Wounds that are based on feeling insignificant or dismissed in childhood result in feeling ashamed of fearing abandonment in our adult lives, so we often abandon first. The adage: “Abandon before I get abandoned; leave before I get left behind.”

These wounds often start from negligent or domineering parents or caregivers who didn’t tend to our emotional needs, or our feelings. We may have scolded and told to have a “stiff upper lip” or to “suck it up and stop whining”. These teach a vulnerable and impressionable child that they don’t matter, but that their image and impressing their parents do.

When feeling the need to disappear surfaces in our lives, the result is that we often discard one relationship that triggers our shame (and our need to disappear) to alleviate the feelings of shame. When there’s a habit of wanting to disappear, it’s usually around the people we are closest to because the risk of feeling ashamed of our wounds can feel the strongest.

Multitasking (Distracted). A common theme for many of us who have experienced attachment trauma is to distract ourselves. Distraction is identified as anything that is used or done to avoid or escape painful memories, vulnerable emotions, or past trauma. And, these are all experiences that can trigger shame. Distractions can be anything — serial dating, an inability to be alone, video games, sex, shopping, gym addiction, workaholism, eating or diet addictions, drug/alcohol dependency, or pretty much anything that: A) numbs painful emotions or memories in the moment that trigger shame, by B) providing other emotions or experiences that are emotional bandaids, which C) trigger more shame once the distraction wears off.

Another common theme is to distract ourselves via multitasking. When this pattern happens, we’ve often moved past a single distraction to needing more than one at the same time to push away painful emotions, or traumatic memories. For example, we may have a habit of listening to a podcast while at work (done to push away intrusive thoughts, or to numb us in the moment). We may have a constant impulse to be on our phone or check our phone when with our S.O., or around friends. Or, we may be in the habit of compulsively working out while also tacking on dangerous or risky diets. Or, we may have “graduated” from a few beers on a Friday night, to mixing hard alcohol and beer or mixing alcohol with drugs.

All distractions are based on self-sabotage when they’re used to ignore, to avoid, to dismiss, or to deny.

Getting off the merry-go-round is painful. That’s a hard truth we all need to accept if growth, and healing are our goal. The reason we jumped on the ride in the first place was to distract ourselves by disappearing, or “chasing” our next mistake, or becoming dependent on relationships in the process, or trying to convince ourselves that we don’t need anyone. The fact that these patterns are turned to is where our attention should be, not that we’re engaging in them, because that only breeds more shame.

Attachment trauma doesn’t start and end in childhood. It’s a toxic cycle that always begins in childhood, but it’s up to us to recognize where our needs are, where our wounds are, and what is driving us to remain stuck in these patterns. Only then, can we emerge from them, stronger…and wiser.

Ready To Get Empowered?

I’ve helped thousands over the years to break the cycle of self-sabotage, codependency, and addictive/trauma bonded relationships based on attachment trauma. I know I can help you, too. Click here to work with me.