4 Stress-Management Secrets I’ve Learned as a Caregiver
They can help everyone make life easier
I’ve been a caregiver for over 20 years. My adult son has Intellectual Disabilities and will need my support for the rest of his life. My husband has Primary Progressive Multiple Sclerosis and is confined to a powerchair and needs assistance with daily activities. My mom lives with us and, while she’s quite independent, she’s aging. Stress management is critical in order for me to stay mentally and physically healthy. If I go down my entire family does.
There’s no question that being a caregiver is exhausting and oftentimes frustrating, but it’s also helped me figure out some important life lessons that I probably wouldn’t have known otherwise.
I know how to put life into perspective — The phrase “don’t sweat the small stuff” is my motto. The rude salesperson, my teen’s messy room, or the person who cut me off while driving just don’t carry the weight of sitting in a hospital room with a sick child or trying to figure out how to pay for the desperately needed medications and therapies not covered under insurance.
Life is made up of the tiny moments, not the major events — Most likely I will never see my son get a driver’s license or be able to dance with my husband at my daughter’s wedding. But there’s no guarantee that I’ll be around for those things either. What I take the most pleasure in are those smaller moments, seeing my daughter open a birthday present she desperately wanted, enjoying a quiet dinner with my husband, and watching my son go off to the movies by himself with a friend (a HUGE accomplishment for my son.)
I surround myself with supportive people — It’s easy enough as a caregiver to feel like you’re not doing enough or short-changing somebody in the family — you certainly don’t need someone else being critical of you. For whatever reason, some friends will never be comfortable being around the person you care for, even if they’ve been long-time acquaintances. It hurts, it’s confusing, but it’s the reality. Too often we turn ourselves inside out trying to please other people and/or make them comfortable around the people we care for. In the end, it’s exhausting and not at all productive. The friends in our lives and our neighbors love having conversations with my son on his daily walks. My husband and I can’t visit many friends’ homes because they’re not accessible so we meet up at restaurants or entertain at our home. And some very close girlfriends know when I’m having a particularly rough day and are there to listen — and offer a glass of wine.
I’m not Martha Stewart and it’s OK — There’s way too much pressure to have a clean house, organized shelves, and a gourmet meal cooked while at the same time baking homemade cookies for the school bake sale and volunteering at some activity. That illusion died for me a long time ago. My kids are great about helping around the house but when they’re finishing homework at 9 or 10 o’clock at night, the last thing I’m going to request of them is to clean the sink of dirty dishes. It just doesn’t matter! I know that if I go down because of exhaustion the important things — like work, doctor’s appointments, and being present at my kid’s events, won’t happen. It really is OK to have a messy house. And store-bought cupcakes, put onto a nice plate, really can pass for homemade!
Re-prioritizing life isn’t just for caregivers. Too many people are stressing themselves out trying to achieve some idea of perfection that they believe other people are living. Behind closed doors, everyone is stressed out.
There is nothing more freeing than finally saying “Screw it, this is me, and I’m not here to live my life based on anyone else’s expectations!”
I’ve created a Facebook group for women in midlife who are ready to live life on their terms — come join us at Midlife Mavericks: Fabulous, Fierce, Females!