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dary. For example, a value of mine is respecting others’ time. So, if I’m running late I’ll always let someone know. Or, if someone else is running late and they don’t tell me, I’ll ask them next time to just give me a heads up. This boundary is so much easier to enforce because it matches my value.<h1 id="a0bd">2. Always Act on Your Boundaries</h1>Even if you don’t act on your boundary on only one occasion, the other person will sniff this out and start to push their luck.We all do it. Even at school, if you didn’t do your homework but the teacher didn't say anything to you, you probably thought you could get away with it again. Then you start to push that other person’s boundary to the max.This is a simple rule — act on your boundaries to give the message to people you aren’t a pushover. But, I know it’s hard to act on.To help with this, practice saying no to others. It could be something simple as saying no to your friends when they ask you to go out. It will help you become comfortable with saying no, which can help you act on your boundaries.Also, don’t give an elaborate, long explanation when you enforce your boundary. Psychotherapist Sharon Martin says “This kind of behaviour undermines your authority and gives the impression that you’re doing something wrong that requires an apology or justification.”Keep it short, sweet and simple when it comes to acting on your boundary. Don't explain, just enforce.<h1 id="fff0">3. Remind Yourself Why Your Boundary is Important</h1>If you affirm the why behind your boundary, you’re so much more likely to stick to it.Imagine someone crosses your boundary by continuously sending you work outside of your office hours and has an expectation you should get on with the work immediately. It’s easy to cave in and do the work. But, if you remind yourself that you don’t do work outside of hours because you want to spend that time with family, it becomes easier to enforce.To help with the third rule, make a note of why that boundary is important to you. Write down three reasons why it is. This can help you justify just how important that boundary is to enforce.When you are presented with a situation that crosses your boundary, if you go back to your three reasons, it can give you the confidence not to cave in and act on your boundary.<h1 id="51fd">4. Know What You Find Acceptable and

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What You Do Not</h1>You might not know how to set healthy boundaries because you aren’t aware of what you find acceptable or not.For example, you might say to your partner that you’re ok with them using your phone whenever they want but in reality, you’re not comfortable with this.There’s nothing wrong with that — you could be planning their birthday so you don’t want them to use your phone. However, without having that awareness towards knowing you’re not ok with them using your phone, it makes it difficult to set the boundary in the first place.Psychology professor Dr Mariana Bockarova advises having a boundary chart. For each boundary for different relationships (friends, work, partner etc), fill in boundary criteria you feel safe with and with criteria you do not. This helps you see what you find acceptable in each relationship and what you don’t.For example, for your partner, you might be comfortable with them using your phone but you also might want to have time to yourself. By knowing you want time to yourself on occasion, you can make this happen by going to the gym or going out with friends.For this final rule, know what you find acceptable and what you don’t. That awareness is key when it comes to boundaries with others.<h1 id="0df4">Final Comments</h1>Having boundaries in place and acting on them is important for your emotional health.It can be hard to set and enforce your boundaries because we may not want to seem harsh to others. However, it’s vital to have them so people don’t see you as a pushover or someone to take advantage of.To help with setting and enforcing boundaries, keep these four rules in mind:<ul><li>Make sure your boundaries and values align.</li><li>Always act on your boundaries.</li><li>Remind yourself of why you set your boundaries.</li><li>Know what you find acceptable and what you do not.</li></ul>If you like reading these stories, <a href="https://psychgrowth.substack.com/?utm_source=discover_search">join my free newsletter, PsychGrowth</a>. Also if you want to support me as a writer, consider <a href="/@saarim/membership">signing up to become a Medium member.</a> It’s $5 a month, giving you unlimited access to stories on Medium. If you sign up <a href="/@saarim/membership">using my link</a>, I’ll earn a small commission.</article></body>

4 Small Rules You Should Follow When Setting Boundaries with Others

Psychological ways to help you be firm with other people…

“It is necessary, and even vital, to set standards for your life and the people you allow in it.”― Mandy Hale.

If you don’t have these standards for yourself and others in your life, you run the risk of having no direction in your life. It becomes easier for others to take advantage of you. And, it can take a toll on your health.

Acting on your boundaries is crucial for your emotional wellbeing. Researchers in 2020 found teachers who adopted technology boundary tactics (such as keeping work alerts off out of hours), had a lower level of stress from work.

Because having these standards and boundaries in life is so important, here are four small rules to follow when it comes to boundaries.

1. Make Sure Your Boundaries and Values Align

When your boundaries and values do not align, it’s easy to feel uncomfortable.

We set boundaries that are not in line with our values or we do not act on our boundaries because we want to please people. We feel it’s easier to make someone else happy rather than enforce a boundary on them.

Instead, setting boundaries that are focused on your values are healthy because it provides you with peace of mind.

For example, if you value honesty, you’re more likely to address any lies you feel your partner or best friend is telling you.

Because your values motivate the things you do, setting boundaries and values that align means your actions match up with your belief systems. When that happens, it makes a boundary easier to enforce.

The first step to this rule is to figure out your values. Pick three of the most important things to you. James Clear has a core value list that can help you identify your different values.

Then set your boundary. For example, a value of mine is respecting others’ time. So, if I’m running late I’ll always let someone know. Or, if someone else is running late and they don’t tell me, I’ll ask them next time to just give me a heads up. This boundary is so much easier to enforce because it matches my value.

2. Always Act on Your Boundaries

Even if you don’t act on your boundary on only one occasion, the other person will sniff this out and start to push their luck.

We all do it. Even at school, if you didn’t do your homework but the teacher didn't say anything to you, you probably thought you could get away with it again. Then you start to push that other person’s boundary to the max.

This is a simple rule — act on your boundaries to give the message to people you aren’t a pushover. But, I know it’s hard to act on.

To help with this, practice saying no to others. It could be something simple as saying no to your friends when they ask you to go out. It will help you become comfortable with saying no, which can help you act on your boundaries.

Also, don’t give an elaborate, long explanation when you enforce your boundary. Psychotherapist Sharon Martin says “This kind of behaviour undermines your authority and gives the impression that you’re doing something wrong that requires an apology or justification.”

Keep it short, sweet and simple when it comes to acting on your boundary. Don't explain, just enforce.

3. Remind Yourself Why Your Boundary is Important

If you affirm the why behind your boundary, you’re so much more likely to stick to it.

Imagine someone crosses your boundary by continuously sending you work outside of your office hours and has an expectation you should get on with the work immediately. It’s easy to cave in and do the work. But, if you remind yourself that you don’t do work outside of hours because you want to spend that time with family, it becomes easier to enforce.

To help with the third rule, make a note of why that boundary is important to you. Write down three reasons why it is. This can help you justify just how important that boundary is to enforce.

When you are presented with a situation that crosses your boundary, if you go back to your three reasons, it can give you the confidence not to cave in and act on your boundary.

4. Know What You Find Acceptable and What You Do Not

You might not know how to set healthy boundaries because you aren’t aware of what you find acceptable or not.

For example, you might say to your partner that you’re ok with them using your phone whenever they want but in reality, you’re not comfortable with this.

There’s nothing wrong with that — you could be planning their birthday so you don’t want them to use your phone. However, without having that awareness towards knowing you’re not ok with them using your phone, it makes it difficult to set the boundary in the first place.

Psychology professor Dr Mariana Bockarova advises having a boundary chart. For each boundary for different relationships (friends, work, partner etc), fill in boundary criteria you feel safe with and with criteria you do not. This helps you see what you find acceptable in each relationship and what you don’t.

For example, for your partner, you might be comfortable with them using your phone but you also might want to have time to yourself. By knowing you want time to yourself on occasion, you can make this happen by going to the gym or going out with friends.

For this final rule, know what you find acceptable and what you don’t. That awareness is key when it comes to boundaries with others.

Final Comments

Having boundaries in place and acting on them is important for your emotional health.

It can be hard to set and enforce your boundaries because we may not want to seem harsh to others. However, it’s vital to have them so people don’t see you as a pushover or someone to take advantage of.

To help with setting and enforcing boundaries, keep these four rules in mind:

Make sure your boundaries and values align.
Always act on your boundaries.
Remind yourself of why you set your boundaries.
Know what you find acceptable and what you do not.

If you like reading these stories, join my free newsletter, PsychGrowth. Also if you want to support me as a writer, consider signing up to become a Medium member. It’s $5 a month, giving you unlimited access to stories on Medium. If you sign up using my link, I’ll earn a small commission.