4 Signs They Ended The Relationship Due To Their Own Issues

Sometimes it really isn't you

When someone breaks your heart and leaves your life, especially when you wanted the relationship to continue, it can leave you with many unanswered questions.

Did I do something wrong?

Was I a terrible girlfriend or boyfriend?

Am I lovable and capable of sustaining a long-term relationship?

When my ex blindsided me with a breakup, I had these thoughts and so many more unanswered questions. The biggest question I had was why?

Why did you break up with me, really?

I know the reasons he gave but I don’t buy or believe those reasons anymore. I know they are false. I know that after much reflection and the knitting back together of my fractured self-esteem; I am certain he ended the relationship because of his own issue or fears that had nothing to do with how I treated him or behaved in the relationship. He broke up with me because of his own internal struggles. He caused me pain and suffering because of his issues and not mine, although he tried to convince me I was a defective partner in the breakup ordeal.

Is it possible to know the real reason ever? I don’t think so. That would require an examination of his inner thoughts and feelings and the only person who can do that is him, a process I know he is unwilling to do, currently. Maybe one day he will, by which time he will totally be eclipsed from my mind by someone else (hopefully).

1. He blamed the entire relationship failure on me

He turned to me one night, accused me of my failings and then exited the relationship. He did not discuss the failings of our relationship, because well that would be more constructive and productive. No, he lay the blame solely at my feet.

Our entire breakup discussion was a list of charges he had concocted in his own head, which resulted in him deciding (unilaterally) that I was not a good partner nor a long-term possibility for him.

It was never a discussion around what we, as a couple had failed to do, and thus the relationship was now untenable as a result of our combined effort. No, it was entirely my fault and he was incapable and unwilling to look at himself or examine his failings in the relationship. A relationship takes two, you know. A fact he seemed to conveniently forget while painfully hurting me and ending our relationship.

Perhaps it is possible that one person is solely at fault for the ending of a relationship, but unlikely. Two people create a relationship and two create the ending. If someone is blaming you entirely for the ending of a relationship, then they are not being honest with you or themselves.

What are they hiding?

What are they refusing to look at in themselves in hope that by blaming the other they can escape all responsibility, self-reflection and growth?

I briefly believed his charge sheet against me, but then I realised he was wrong and clearly there was something else going on with him that in reality had little to do with me or the way I treated him.

2. Bizarre and absurd reasons for ending the relationship

Speaking of flawed reasoning, the reasons he gave me were absurd. He really scraped the bottom of the barrel when looking for reasons why I was not a suitable partner. The first reason he gave was,

“you don’t have running goals and that is very concerning and indicative of something bigger.”

This was a cold, hard slap in the face.

I was stunned. Running goals? Since when were running goals so important for a relationship and why was he bringing this up now?

I know in the past we had gone on many runs and I, a much slower runner, had not kept pace with him and often ended up walking for the majority of the run or going much slower. In my mind that was neither a problem nor a big discussion. It was never a requirement of our relationship that we run together and run far and hard. If that is a requirement, well, why was I only hearing of this now? And what the f*%k? Since when is a successful relationship ever built on running goals?

This is not a reason to end a relationship. From there he spiralled out more bizarre and absurd reasons.

“If we had children you wouldn’t teach them to have goals.”

I am certain a good parent teaches their children more than just goals and also how does he know what sort of mother I would be based on some flimsy evidence? Another baseless accusation.

Another guy wrencher was his focus on my career.

“People should warn me about you because you career isn’t going anywhere. And you don’t have any passions.”

He said this to me depsite the fact I am an admitted attorney and was in the process of completing my masters degree while working full time. A fact I pointed out to him.

This wasn’t good enough for him.

He also said that it was concerning that my goal of writing and completing my master’s thesis was not good enough, it was concerning in his words, that,

“you don’t have a specific mark’s goal for your thesis.”

My goal for my thesis was to complete it. Writing a thesis is hard enough and I also wanted to learn and grow, and form good relationships with my supervisor and fellow students. I was not solely focused on Cum Lauda, which I did get by the way, so who is laughing now.

None of these are good reasons, in my books, to end a relationship of almost five years. They weren’t even reasons, but accusations.

Were we in a court of law or a loving relationship? It felt like the former.

In none of his bizarre reasons did he explain or provide clear evidence of how I had wronged him. My lack of running goals or “passion” was not an insult to him. I did not wrong him because I lacked running goals. That is absurd.

He didn’t say: you have lied, cheated, you don’t pay attention to me, you are selfish and you never put in any effort.

These are good reasons to end a relationship, of course. But he did not charge me with any of these offences.

So either, I did wrong him and he couldn’t explain how or he knew I did nothing wrong and he needed to dig deep to find any reason he could to end our relationship. Both point to issues of his own and not mine.

3. He was incapable or unwilling to enter into a constructive discussion about the relationship

Our relationship did not end on a constructive or amicable note, I don’t know if you can tell? It ended badly and there was no hope of a return. If both parties realise they have issues and the relationship is not working, they can part on amicable terms. A mature and adult way to discuss the demise of a relationship is not to sling as much mud as possible and then run out the door but calmly discuss the ending, so there is some closure and maybe fewer hurt feelings.

This was not his approach. He did not constructively discuss the end of our relationship. He did not discuss our relationship at all, really. He merely pointed out my failings and then ran out the door as fast he could and refused to open up the discussion again or give me some clarity or answers.

He was afraid, I suspect. He was afraid of having an adult discussion about our adult relationship and discussing the usual; finances and splitting of things. All these discussions he left to me and in subsequent conversations I had lots of questions, to which I received few answers from him.

I remember on one of our last phone calls asking him, “do you have any questions for me?” You know, your girlfriend of half a decade, that you just decided to walk away from, without explanation.

His was a short and quick reply, “no.”

I told him how sad I was, how I felt depressed and that this was incredibly hard. We lived together for half a decade, we shared a life, and we were family for a while. It was not a simple fling that one tossed aside and then moved on. It was a real relationship that lasted the entire second half of my twenties.

When I asked him how he was feeling his response was, “I am confused.”

Of course, he must have been sad too and lonely and perhaps angry, like I was. Perhaps he could not tell me how he was really feeling, lest I see a glimmer of hope.

To end a relationship in the way he did and simply say he was feeling confused doesn’t cut it. Nor does it bode well for his future relationships. He hurt me and then he did not bother to explain because I suspect he couldn’t. He did not know why he ended the relationship. He couldn’t give me answers to questions he couldn't answer.

He had his issues and he couldn’t address them, his solution was to blame me and run away from us and from his problems. He was facing a crisis, an internal emotional one and his only solution was to blame the persons closest to him, instead of facing his own demons.

4. What did my friends and family say?

While he was slinging mud in my direction, I did the one thing any sensible person would do. I tried to defend myself. However, defending yourself against illogic with logic is a fruitless task and no matter what I said he did not listen or even try.

Really I shouldn’t have tried to defend myself against such bizarre and uncalled accusations. I should have simply walked away but I was still attached to him and desperate for the relationship to work. At the time I couldn’t imagine a future without him, now I cannot imagine a future with him.

After the breakup charges were read and I was convicted, I called my mom. I was dazed and confused and unable to understand what the f*@k just happened. I relayed exactly what he said to me, confused for a moment. Was he right? I didn’t have running goals and that was surely an indication that there was something wrong with me and the way I treated him.

My mom was shocked and immediately corrected my downward spiral. She told me something that made perfect sense, (coming from someone who previously loved and adored him);

“he wants you to change things about yourself that you are perfectly happy within yourself.”

Oh, yes.

I was and still am, perfectly happy with no running goals, thank you, and if that is a requirement to be your partner then I want none of it.

None of my friends and family affirmed what he said or even tried to point out his skewed and incorrect point of view. They all said versions of the below:

He clearly doesn’t know you very well.

He is obviously going through something that has nothing to do with you and is projecting his issues onto you.

Good riddance and cut him loose.

They were all right. My friends and family who loved me and could see how wrong he was, quickly showed me that. He was wrong about me, my nearest and dearest confirmed and after much soul searching I realised it too.

I am not a goalless waif going about life with no direction and neither was I a bad partner for not having running goals or my career in a specific place.

He was wrong. He had issues and he was projecting.

It was him and not me who ended the relationship and it was due to his issues and not mine.

In the end…

I have learned so much this year; after losing my partner and a life I once held dear. I went through a rough breakup and for a while doubted whether I was a good partner or capable of sustaining a long-term relationship.

It felt like his intention in the breakup discussion was to push me as far away as possible and crush my self-esteem. He achieved in pushing me far away but he didn’t crush my self-esteem.

I wanted a commitment and there is nothing wrong with me for wanting a long-term commitment.

Just because someone is angry with you or broke up with you doesn’t mean you did something wrong. A person can end a relationship because of their own issues, I firmly believe he did. People can be anxious, and afraid of commitment and intimacy. He did not enter the breakup in a constructive and helpful manner. He entered into the discussion with the intention of burning our relationship to the ground and he gave me absurd reasons for ending the relationship, a sign he lacked emotional awareness.

He had issues.

Don’t we all.

I am willing to face mine and I don’t think he was.