4 Signs of Secure Attachment In A Partner

Start Entertaining The People Who Can Help You Grow

Secure attachment — the holy grail of attachment styles. If only we could get more of it, right?

In attachment theory, attachment styles can be broadly categorised into two sets; secure attachment and insecure attachment. Insecure attachment styles are generally birthed from more turbulent upbringings, lacking in trust, high in rejection, and unpredictable in nature.

Despite insecure people’s desire to seek healthy, loving connections there is often a like-for-like attraction that goes on with other insecure attachment styles. For example, the avoidant and anxious attachment styles couldn’t be further apart in their styles; with the former disliking emotional closeness and the latter rejecting distance — yet the two often pair up. As such, it’s difficult for insecure people to grow in their relationships when they’re consistently running through unhealthy patterns with others who mirror them.

Psychologists believe that the route out of insecure attachment is to find someone secure and learn a new way to love. This is because the attachment style you have today are merely learned behaviours from your very first relationships in life. Like a kid who’s taught to ride a bike by peddling backwards, you can’t expect the bike to move forward unless you’re taught how.

This is good as it means there’s a way out of the toxic insecure whirlwind you’ve likely been caught in for some time — but in order to do so, you need to learn how to identify secure attachments and follow those connections.

This brings me to today’s article. How to identify the signs that someone around you is securely attached. They may be your partner, a love interest, a friend, or someone you’re actively dating. Take note of these signs, and follow them when you see them. It’s likely up until now you’ve been following their opposites, to no avail.

1. Emotional Availability

Emotional availability is the single most important factor in developing any sort of relationship. It’s the trait that allows healthy relationships to grow and thrive and unhealthy ones to crash and burn — or continue on in a cycle of pain.

Anxious individuals will claim they’re emotionally available as they hate distance and want closeness, yet, they consistently end up in relationships with people who can’t give them what they want. Why? Because they suck at asking for what they want. They’d rather stay silent and put up with mediocracy than ask for more. In this, they’re more emotionally in tune than their avoidant counterparts but ultimately still emotionally unavailable.

Avoidant individuals tend to avoid emotional availability and will avert any conversation that strikes vulnerability in them. This is because they were likely rejected for their emotionality or oversaw pain in others due to their rejections. Such perceived rejection often results in the creation of a false self, disconnected emotionally in nature, that protects the emotional part of themselves that once experienced past pain. They will stonewall, dodge or even ghost those who strike vulnerability in them to avoid feeling the parts of themselves that were hurt before.

Securely attached people will have learned early on not to be ashamed of their emotionality and to be confident in expressing their needs. They have no problem sticking up for what they believe is right and likely have a moral compass that is aligned. You can spot a secure person by their readiness to enter into emotionally charged conversations, and hold their own in such environments.

Whereas the avoidant will avert and stonewall, the securely attached brings their emotions to the table with little shame or guilt. This means they can also receive your emotions free of both — something an insecure person may project onto you.

This is why securely attached people can heal your emotional unavailability. Relating with them will teach you not to shy away from your innermost feelings; to express them where necessary and appropriately, and to not settle for any less in your relationships with others.

2. They’re Comfortable With Their Authenticity

With all the external pressures exerted us on by societal standards, and our histories, it can be difficult in the 21st century to live authentically.

This is compounded in individuals with an insecure attachment style as they’ll likely occupy a false self, rather than a true self. For example, the emotionally vacant avoidant partner DOES have emotions, they’re just hidden away.

Secure individuals will have fewer issues than their insecure counterparts in being themselves. They will have learned growing up to cherish their unique qualities and even better, expand on them. Whilst it can be hard for anyone to be themselves in the face of judgment from the world, secure people will be more likely to follow their intuitive nature, because they believe in themselves.

When growing up insecure, we’re less likely to trust our intuition. Be it in believing we’re too needy, too emotional, too “feminine” or “masculine”, too ambitious, too caring, too passionate, or too much “whatever”, this belief we’re “too much” can stop us from being who we’re meant to be. It also means we’re less likely to pursue the things that will actually fulfil us.

As securely attached people will trust themselves more, they’re more likely to recognize what their internal compass is telling them, and then follow suit. For the insecurely attached, this makes being with a secure person inspiring and transforming as you’ll see what it’s like for somebody to embody their fullest potential.

When we’re dating other insecure partners who are closed off to their authenticity we don’t get this message, we get the opposite.

3. Emotional Regulation

Part of the reason insecure relationships can be so volatile is that both parties likely find it difficult to regulate their emotions — leading to undesirable behaviors that dismiss or hurt the other person.

For example, an anxious partner may be too afraid to speak up about the things that bother them. They fear if they speak up, the other person will run away. This inability to regulate the anxiety that comes up in the face of self-expression leads them to avoid having hard conversations that would potentially rectify issues. Further, if they’re paired with an avoidant partner who dislikes emotionality, they may try and express themselves and be rejected for this expression. This then reminds them why they stayed quiet in the first place.

As secure partners likely observed their caregiver’s healthy relationships and emotional stability, they’ll be in a much better place to be accepting of others. In touch with their own emotional well-being, and living through this, they’ll listen to your issues and be able to support you, rather than reject you.

This doesn’t mean that they’ll put up with your BS — quite the opposite, actually — but they’ll be far more understanding than others. In a relationship with a secure partner, you’ll find a safe space for expression, which will give you more confidence and trust in your own authenticity.

4. They’ll Respect You So Long As You Respect Them

Part of the reason insecure relationships thrive is that both parties are content enough with being in a likely unhealthy dynamic that causes more harm than good.

It’s not often you see a securely attached partner paired with an overtly anxious or avoidant partner because securely attached people won’t put up with either’s potentially chaotic behaviors.

For example, if an anxious partner has a hard time being alone, the secure partner won’t tolerate being overtly coddled and pulled out of their independence. Secure partners are balanced between relating to others and relating to themselves and will be pulled towards like-minded people who respect this balance. This doesn’t mean that a secure partner won’t help an anxious person, but they won’t put up with it endlessly.

Secure partners also won’t tolerate the emotional vacancy that avoidants bring. There’s little intimacy in relationships that lack emotions, and the secure partner will know this. Again, they can help an avoidant find their emotional strength, but they won’t tolerate stonewalling, or other disrespecting behaviors time after time.

You can spot a secure person in how they hold themselves in the face of disrespect from others. They’ll set appropriate boundaries, and terminate relationships that don’t respect them. Again, it doesn’t mean secure people can’t help in the face of trouble, they just won’t tolerate it at the prolonged expense of themselves.

Final Thoughts

Point 4 brings up an important message to finish on. Secure partners aren’t there to fix us. Most of our personal growth comes from our own work, outside of our relationships. What secure partners can do is show you a new way to relate, so long as you’re willing to observe and learn. What secure partners won’t do is make excuses for your behaviours, and allow a space for you to continue behaving as you may have historically.

Thanks for reading this article. If you enjoyed it, I’d be very happy if you could leave a few *claps*. In the meantime, feel free to check out similar articles below.