HUMOR

4 Ridiculously Simple Ways to Boost Your Readership

I mean ridiculous & simple, but mostly ridiculous.

If you are anything like me, I bet you’re scouring this platform for stories from any Tom, Dick, and Harry on how to: write terrific headlines, become a high-quality-content-churning machine, get your audience hooked, and so on.

You want your next story to catapult you into instant stardom on the blogosphere and get 1 million reads?

Your search for that elusive formula stops right here! I’m going to share all the tips I know and don’t know about mesmerizing your audience if you have one and increasing the reads on your stories.

#1. Write short poems.

This may seem counter-intuitive, but hold your horses, and let me explain. All you have to do in short poems is create stellar titles that compel people to click.

Once they land on your story page and start reading, the deal is sealed. Before they even realize your poem is garbage, the poem is over, and you have fooled them into reading the whole damn thing.

Then, they would cuss that they wasted 60 seconds of their life because of you. They’d intuitively click on the clap button to express their frustration because, fortunately, there is no button to show you the middle finger.

Once they start clapping, they most likely won’t be able to stop. And there you have it! 50 claps for 3 lines of poetry.

If you don’t believe me, check out this short poem of mine. It has a 77% read ratio, over 1.3k claps, and counting.

#2. Write clickbait titles AND clickbait stories.

Here’s how. Say the title of your story is “Here’s How I Made $200K in 1 Week By Writing”. Who wouldn’t click on that, right?

Use the P.A.S. formula to the hilt, as explained by one of my favorite writers, Ayodeji Awosika, in this article.

• Problem — State the reader’s problem, i.e. they are not making $200K in a week by writing.
• Agitate — “Twist the knife.” Make them feel terrible about themselves by explaining the consequences of earning anything less than $200K — namely, not being able to afford a girlfriend, not being able to embark on a world tour with the unaffordable girlfriend, not being able to shop in Milan, etc. You got this!
• Solution — Allude to a solution and but never provide it.

After you’ve expertly built suspense with all the above and have the reader eating out of both your hands, end the story like this.

“So, I wrote an email to my billionaire father and demanded $200K from him for having forgotten my birthday. He transferred the money immediately, but the bank took 5 days to complete the transfer. And that’s how I made $200K in 1 week by writing.”

And that’s how it’s done!

#3. Tag famous people.

I mean famous people who are on Medium. Tagging Elon Musk will get you zilch, nada. Believe me, I have tried.

Now, what is the first thing you do when you’re lured into reading any story? You frantically scan the responses and check out who has clapped, and if you don’t see a single famous name in there, you pass, right? Exactly what I thought. That’s where tagging famous people comes in.

A case in point is method#2. See how I tagged Ayodeji? There’s a 1 in a million chance he’d be interested in knowing what I wrote about him and take the bait. If he likes my story, he might clap and leave a response. If he’s offended, he might still leave a response. Either way, it’s a win-win because there is no such thing as bad publicity, right?

It’s more the merrier. Let me demonstrate by tagging some of my favorite writers in topics I never follow.

• Writing tips (as opposed to mine, these tips might actually help you): Shaunta Grimes, Casey Botticello, Meg Stewart, DRM, Ashley Shannon, Zulie Rane.
• I’m all about the Humor: Jessica Wildfire, Roz Warren, Alex Baia, Marilyn Flower, Ryan Fan, Carlyn Beccia.
• Poetry (unlike me, these poets write longer poetry): Elizabeth Helmich, Zach J. Payne, Manasi Diwakar — I didn’t tag her because she’s my namesake; she’s damn good.

I assure you, getting someone famous to clap and respond is the last step that stands between you and virality.

Parting Words

And there you have it. 4 foolproof ways to increase your readership. Believe me, they work! If they don’t, I give you a 30-day money-back guarantee.

You may absolutely email [email protected] and demand that they take back the 0.0005 cents I got from your $5 membership fee and distribute it elsewhere.

I’ve done it in the past after reading some dumba** stories, so I attest that our friends honor such requests, if sprinkled with some choice words.

PS: See how I tricked you into believing I’m going to give you 4 tips to boost your readership but divulged only 3? Ha… ha. I’m getting good at this.

If you have FOMO and want me to tag you, just say the word. I read and reply to all responses. Uh… oh, dang it! I just let tip#4 slip.

If this story tickled your funny bone, you might also like the next one too.

Want more laughs? Keep in touch, friends.