4 Quotes That Taught Me That Even Books You Disagree With Can Help You Grow

Or perhaps, books that you disagree with can especially help you grow

Title: You Are Badass: How to Stop Doubting Your Greatness and Start Living An Awesome Life Author: Jen Sincero

I’m torn about this book, I really am.

The first chapter begins with Sincero acknowledging the doubt that a lot of readers have for self-improvement books, especially those who begin with a skeptical mind. Then, without truly addressing it in any way, she launches into the same content that people are doubtful about. I found that lacking and such a 90-degree turn.

This is important to acknowledge because I am that skeptic, but within me, I also do love self-improvement content. Here’s why.

The Skeptic in me: repeating the same old self-improvement content about how you just need to believe in yourself isn’t going to work, I need to adapt it to fit my context.

The Believer in me: I sometimes dismiss things if they aren’t perfect or working the first time around, and need to consider that even with tailoring, I need to practice and repeat skills in order for them to be internalized. With this, I can gain a depth of understanding from the same concepts with each new repetition.

More importantly, for someone who grew up in a household where no one offered positive reinforcement, I grew up without this language of self-affirmation. I never appropriately learned how to celebrate accomplishments. I was one of those kids who preferred to get negative feedback because it highlighted what to do next and positive feedback made me squirm.

So, while reading this book didn’t offer new insights in terms of new content, it helped me clarify what I questioned or believed or how I wanted to tailor these traditional concepts because of how I immediately “talked back” to the book.

And that in itself was valuable, in a twisty, turny way.

“You are responsible for what you say and do. You are not responsible for whether or not people freak out about it.”

I used to take and accept this at face value, but it used to be dichotomous to me. It felt like this was true in Western culture, but if I embraced this then I necessarily shed my Eastern roots.

Growing up in Canada, I subscribed to the idea that I am responsible for what I say and do. It makes sense. If we each managed our own emotions and focussed on that, we wouldn’t have codependency (which is a concept I automatically assumed was bad). Most of the time, this thought is true.

And then these past two years have happened. And it’s been a wild two years of bad scientific advice, anti-mask wearing, anti-vax sentiment arose and festered. There was a sense of “I’m responsible for what I feel like doing, and I don’t have to care an ounce about whether you have an alternate view that you’d like to share about how my actions impact you.” Genuine feedback about how one’s actions impact another’s safety and possible risk of death is dismissed as “freaking out” and “not something I need to be responsible for”.

I think the bit I reacted here is the “not responsible for freaking out”. I firmly hold the value that you shouldn’t be expected to manage another adult’s emotions, and we should be able to manage our own. I also hold the value that if someone else’s ability to manage their emotions exceeds what they’re able to manage given the circumstances, and I have something left in the cup to give, that I give.

I am afraid of the power of the above quote in ignoring genuine feedback that is constructive, because of a lack of humility to hold space that you can be wrong and someone else isn’t actually “freaking out” but rather giving you real advice that you are perceiving as freaking out because it’s uncomfortable to be wrong.

I am afraid of the power of the above quote to dismiss genuine feedback given tone. In a space where certain feedback given constructively is repeatedly ignored, those holding that message may speak louder, misperceived as angry or dangerous or violent. Often, those messages are first ignored and then dismissed as too loud, in a cycle of never internalizing alternative feedback.

Perhaps I’ll take a walk back. Perhaps I am not responsible for whether or not people freak out about it, but I want to hold space for a space to respond to feedback and carefully comb through what’s been given to use that information to move forward in a positive way.

Sometimes negative feedback is given nicely. That’s great. Sometimes negative feedback is not given nicely, especially if the group has said this 9002 other times and you haven’t listened. To tone police is unproductive. Begin listening and do better.

“You are perfect. To think anything less is as pointless as a river thinking that it’s got too many curves or that it moves too slowly or that its rapids are too rapid. Says who? You’re on a journey with no defined beginning, middle or end. There are no wrong twists and turns. There is just being. And your job is to be as you as you can be. This is why you’re here. To shy away from who you truly are would leave the world you-less. You are the only you there is and ever will be. I repeat, you are the only you there is and ever will be. Do not deny the world its one and only chance to bask in your brilliance.”

Quotes like these were why I was skeptical at first because there are a few ways of looking at this.

Some people who embrace quotes like this are arrogant when they fail to see their shortcomings and how they might hurt others. To only embrace words like this to drown out doubt could be a double-edged sword.

In contrast, some of us are drowned in self-doubt, and this language is the first time we’re emerging from under that water to be like hey, I can celebrate my strengths. I’m allowed to, and it can feel good. I can just be instead of needing to do more to be worth something.

And perhaps that’s the caveat tag I need to hang on this quote. Instead of “applying” this quote as bandaid to everyone and anyone, I think there’s a wax and wane depending on your context.

Some of us need more of this. Some of us decidedly need less of this in our lives. Having the self-awareness and being receptive and conscious about the tough tough task of being able to parse that (which is so goddamn effortful), is the million-dollar question.

“Never apologize for who you are. It lets the whole world down.”

I’m learning to temper these statements, which is also a departure.

I still hold that you should be unapologetic about who you are naturally, but I also realize that I can love and acknowledge and be myself while acknowledging that I’m not … for anyone. In fact, I can be a lot for someone who has a different set of needs.

I can be someone who needs physical affection dating someone who has tactile sensory sensitivities. While I’m not going to apologize for my needs and having them, I can also acknowledge that discrepancy while acknowledging that they have their needs and they also do not need to apologize for who they are.

I think that reciprocity is needed and again, the discussion is needed in relation to impact on others.

There is a space between apologizing for who you are, vs. being so held up on not apologizing for who you are that you fail to have the humility to understand that who you does not (and cannot) represent the voices of literally every human being out there. And I think that’s important to acknowledge too.

“The only failure is quitting. Everything else is just gathering information.”

I got called out once for this quote — I had a simple “Don’t Quit” type quote on my sticker shop and someone cropped the art, dropped my name from it and criticized it. To her, these words were harmful because if she didn’t quit until things were perfect, she would never be done. Given her perfectionistic tendency and context, this quote didn’t fit. But damn, I was angry then and I think there were valid and invalid points to that anger now that I look back.

On the one hand, I was angry because my art was stolen without credit — I’d rather have been credited if it was a valid criticism. Her rationale was that she didn’t want her followers to brigade me with hate. I look back and accept that rationale more while acknowledging that actually if it was valid criticism, I don’t mind having my username attached to it. If it is a valid criticism, then I should hear it, whether from her directly, or her followers. I say this but I also will come out and admit it that perhaps, what I imagine and commit to vs. what I actually will deal with is different — and that’s why I hold space for the fact that what she did was coming from a kind space, and understandable.

The secondary and humbling reason I got mad was that I felt unheard. I had shared and created this piece because I was that someone who needed that encouragement in absence of any support (and in fact, facing quite a lot of discrimination at that time). To me, it felt like an attack to hold value in such a quote when for her, it was a wound. I could say that that wound was too raw for me to acknowledge anything else and I could say that all I could see was my own view and I never fully accepted or heard her explanation — both are true.

What’s different now isn’t that the wound isn’t fresh anymore. The wound is still being made, every day by unequal treatment. The difference is twofold. First, I have a community where I can reach out for support to call out actual instances of discrimination so that I’m not only this raw, bleeding wound. I have a better support network and a better routine to be someone else other than that person who only thought about and experienced the wound 24/7. That is why if this happened now, I may not have responded at all, except perhaps to say, it’s okay to credit my art even if you criticize it, and I welcome your view. Perhaps I may have shared that post too, to include her voice as part of the diversity of reactions to such a short quote.

To circle back to this quote — quitting can mean so many different things to different people. Some people might need to quit, or submit work that’s 99.99% okay and accept that it’s not 100% because 99.99% is pretty damn good work! Some people need that encouragement to not quit despite lack fo support, like me, because the community will be there. Some people, like me, might see this quote now and think — yes, do not quit, but also don’t forget about rest. Resting is not quitting.

To zoom out from that point, I don’t think Sincero was wrong in sharing her story. I think this was her story to tell, especially if this was helpful to her, and will likely be helpful to many others in the conventional, intended way. Similar to how I had reacted to someone else not completely agreeing with me, I hope to share this (now embarrassing) experience to share the story behind why I think different viewpoints are necessary and crucial.

I also wanted to offer my side of the story as I’m sure a lot of people fall on the skeptic side, and find it so convoluted to hold space for a) wanting to grow and b) avoiding advice that doesn’t fit the nuance within which they exist.

And this is where I place myself right now. I read books that I may not agree with entirely because sometimes, I change my views.

Sometimes, in absence of changing my views, I see where I place myself relative to beliefs held by others.

Sometimes, even how I “talk back” to a book shares with me how far I’ve come.

Hi I’m Lucy Dan 蛋小姐 (she/her/她) and I’m curious to hear — are there any books that you finished even though you vehemently disagreed with a lot of the content?

Most days, you can find me listening to a fun podcast and designing fun poetry stickers and stationery! What’s next? Hop down this reading rabbit hole or support this piece by Hal H. Harris!