4 Powerful Strategies to Cultivate Self-Compassion

1. Monitor your internal dialogue.

In this aggressively competitive world, how many of us really feel good about ourselves?

Years ago, I spent an hour getting ready for an important event that was undoubtedly filled with upper-crust associates who would judge me and somehow deem that I was “not good enough” for their exclusive crowd.

I complained to my boyfriend at the time (now husband) that nothing was right — not my outfit, hair, or anything else about me.

He tried to encourage me by saying, “You look fine, don’t worry,” but this did not comfort me, because I was terrified of judgment and needed to be accepted by others to feel good about myself.

We all want to feel special, unique, enough. And although we all have our own talents and strengths, there will always be someone who is more successful, intelligent, or attractive. So what can we do? How can we manage and cope with this?

Sometimes we put our own egos on a pedestal while putting others down in order to view ourselves positively. But when we do this, it keeps us from reaching our full potential as human beings.

It is even more difficult to become who we are meant to be and embrace our full potential if we cannot recognize and embrace our weaknesses (which everyone has). Although we may feel better about ourselves in the moment, ultimately ignoring our flaws only serves to harm us by limiting our potential for growth.

Ignoring our flaws and solely focusing on limited self-analysis doesn’t serve us because ultimately we are all responsible for our own actions and ensuing consequences.

It can be a hard pill to swallow, but we can’t always be the best at everything. And most of us are very hard on ourselves when we admit that we aren’t good at something.

I’ve experienced this, and must still work actively to improve my self-esteem. Moments that call attention to our limitations can be devastating when we are used to only seeing ourselves in a positive light.

An alternative solution

So what can we do?

First, we can start to find the beauty in imperfection and accept ourselves for who we truly are. Critical judgment and constant self-analysis only halt our growth and progress on this ever-flowing river of life.

Second, we can drop the labels and let go of the need to categorize ourselves, others, and actions as “good” or “bad.”

Third, we can begin to treat ourselves with the same love, kindness, respect, and compassion that we show to others.

When I initially learned about self-compassion, I was blown away by how cruelly I was talking to myself and treating myself due to my so-called flaws. The world can be hard enough; we don’t need to beat ourselves up further with negative self-talk and rigid standards for excellence.

At the time, I was going through many life changes, including finally admitting that my chronic pain had changed the way that I worked and lived, and that I could no longer strive to be who I’d been 20 years ago. Things had changed and so had I. I’d also become a parent, and that changed things even more.

Then, just by happenstance, I picked up Radical Acceptance: Embracing Your Life With the Heart of a Buddha by Tara Brach. I was raised Southern Baptist so this was all new to me, but this book changed my life in a profound way. I started to accept instead of hiding my flaws, and living with a more open heart. And guess what? When I did this, my happiness, personal growth, and connection to God/Spirit/the Universe skyrocketed.

I had vaguely heard about self-compassion, but honestly was too hard on myself to have a chance of absorbing the concept. Brach’s book changed that. I realized that I had to take care of myself before I could give to others, which was a revolutionary concept. It still takes practice, but I eventually realized that it was far more damaging to be continually beating myself up for not doing this or that, or for choosing an unconventional life path where I write, rescue animals, and follow my heart.

I continued to research and study self-compassion and realized that the ego can keep us locked in negative cycles of people-pleasing, anger, and inflated self-importance, when all beings are really one and the same.

Self-compassion is similar to high self-esteem but lacks the negative characteristics that keep us locked in unhealthy patterns of denial and anger.

Self-compassion can help us avoid self-sabotage (which I’ve also done — a lot), quell fears, and obtain a more positive way of living and frame of mind.

Self-compassion says to our inner-self, I see you, you are enough, and you are capable despite any perceived flaws.

Self-compassion allows us to nurture and comfort ourselves through life’s ups and downs. It is the voice of reason, patience, and understanding.

So what is self-compassion, really?

You may be asking, what does it even mean to offer compassion to me?

Self-compassion is a positive attitude that we can have towards ourselves, and it’s also an empirically measurable construct. Essentially defined in psychology literature by Dr. Kristin Neff, it comprises three separate constructs: Self-kindness, Common Humanity, and Mindfulness.

Accordingly, self-compassion means being able to relate to yourself in a way that’s forgiving, accepting, and loving when situations might be less than optimal.

Those who practice self-compassion also possess an understanding of our shared humanity, while being aware and mindful of how they are feeling and responding to those feelings.

Studies suggest that self-compassionate people are more likely to accept themselves regardless of external factors. On the other hand, studies also suggest that people with high self-esteem tend to be more narcissistic than those with low self-esteem. Source

Self-compassion is an inside job that doesn’t rely on outward influences and factors such as approval of those around us.

When our sense of self-worth stems from personhood that is fundamentally worthy of kindness and respect — rather than being contingent on achieving certain goals — our sense of self-worth is much less easily influenced.

It takes effort, mindfulness, and a willingness to release self-criticism and embrace self-compassion. There really are no benefits to self-criticism, so breaking these learned patterns is undoubtedly beneficial. It can be difficult, but as someone who has been there, it is doable with awareness and through practicing kindness to ourselves.

Here are four practical ways to cultivate self-compassion:

1. Monitor your internal dialogue.

Many of us are so used to living in self-criticism that it takes active awareness to break the pattern. Pay attention to how you speak to yourself and the words that you choose. According to Brach, “If you wouldn’t say the same thing to someone you care about, then you’re criticizing yourself.”

2. Show yourself kindness with compassionate physical gestures.

You can try giving yourself a hug, or lovingly placing your hands over your heart. Caring physical actions have a quick and powerful effect on our bodies, inducing soothing sensations from our parasympathetic system, according to Neff. Whatever gesture comforts you, try that. I personally put my left hand over my heart and breathe deeply.

3. Study and write down a list of compassionate phrases.

This helps whenever we start to slip back into negative internal dialogue. Using awareness, whenever you hear yourself saying, “I’m no good,” replace the sentiment with a compassionate phrase of your choosing. Pick phrases that soothe and really resonate with you. Combining those with a physical gesture — like hands over your heart — is especially powerful. My personal phrase list includes:

I am one with humanity.

We all make mistakes.

Nothing is perfect.

May I show myself the loving-kindness and compassion that I deserve.

May I be aware of how I speak to myself.

May I be love.

4. Think about how you would treat your best friend.

This is one of the best ways to become aware of how we are really talking to ourselves. Whenever I start to criticize myself for being untidy or waking up late, I think about how I would react if this happened to my best friend or my innocent son. I think about what I would say and how I would want them to feel. And also, how do I feel? How do I want to feel?

Remember that nobody is perfect, even when it comes to practicing self-compassion. But also remember that love and understanding are non-negotiable tenets of our well-being, and it is through this knowledge that we are able to recognize how we are all one and the same.