4 of the Best Revelations From My Sober Life

Recovery from addiction is an ongoing process of healing, forgiveness and self-discovery.

When I was first getting sober, I knew it wouldn’t stick. Drinking felt natural. It was who I was. The part of me I liked best. I adored drinking — who didn’t? I was a rebel. An unconventional outsider, the gutsy underdog.

Capitalism and society were The Enemy and I didn’t want to conform to their bullshit!

And then I hit thirty. And some of my ideas began to seem a bit… limiting. I mean, was it really so bad to own a house? And have a nice, regular salary? Pop out a kid or at least get a dog?

I began to wonder what the hell I was doing with my life. Because sure, the human experience is depressing as hell: we’re all going to die, the earth and sun included, but that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t build a life while we’re here. Does it?

Cue my twenty-fifth (millionth) existential breakdown. I began to question my beliefs. I sought out therapy. Because whatever I was doing, it was no longer working.

A new consciousness was trying to assert itself. The me underneath all those defenses was trying hard to make themselves known. It was a strange, discombobulating time. It felt like I was losing my mind. But actually, I was finding it.

Here are some of my favorite revelations from along the way.

1. When I was drinking I had no idea why I drank

Sometimes when I write about getting sober, I present it as a life hack. I make it sound easy. And when I write like that, I mean it.

I’ve lost touch with how deeply unhappy and full of self-loathing I used to be. It’s surprisingly easy to do after you’ve been sober a while. In the four years since I quit drinking my mental health, physique, finances and relationships have improved.

The longer I stay in this MO, the more I get used to this new way. Sobriety seems like the easiest no-brainer in the world.

Pride plays a part, too. As Gillian May pointed out in a past article, some of us are eager to announce we weren’t that bad. We were alcoholics with a lower-case ‘a’. We were (my favorite oxymoron) high functioning alcoholics, thank you very much.

But honestly, when I was drinking I wasn’t that high-functioning. Or that alcoholic.

I was more a semi-functioning, semi-alcoholic. I felt sad. And bad. And mad, most of the time, come to think of it.

So I did something to solve one of the problems I could put my finger on. I found some sober people and I asked for help to stop accidentally getting drunk.

My mind began to open and truth came pouring in. The revelations started to strike.

I learned why I drank and it wasn’t pretty.

To self-medicate anxiety and depression. To fit in with friends and family. To hide from self-loathing that unconsciously drove almost everything I did.

I discovered these painful truths after I quit drinking.

2. Happy people don’t get drunk all the time

Getting sober isn’t so much a life hack as a lifesaver.

Even if you’re ‘only’ a lower case ‘a’ alcoholic like me.

Because, here’s another revelation for you, and I learned this one in therapy, so it comes from someone who knows: happy people don’t get drunk all the time.

It was certainly true for me. The same deep and unexplored unhappiness drove me to drink, as drove me to get sober. At first, drinking made the sadness go away, but then it stopped working.

This is how addiction works. It makes you forget the pain and reach for the cure, which caused the pain in the first place.

Drinking no longer made me feel happy like it used to. It made me angry and needy and sad. And so it became highly suspect. I began to see my habit more objectively.

Why was I spending all this money and time on something that made me feel terrible? It didn’t make any sense.

Until I realised I couldn’t control it. Finally, after trying and failing again and again to moderate I understood.

That was why I kept getting drunk. I had become addicted.

It was the luckiest break of my life. Sweet relief!

And then I forgot again.

3. Being addicted feels like changing your mind

I desperately didn’t want to drink, because it was ruining my life. And then the sun came out, and my friend texted.

Why am I being such a puritan? I thought.

A few pints in the sun wouldn’t hurt, would they?

Whatever anguish caused me to swear off in the first place was forgotten.

This is how addiction works.

It makes you forget the pain and reach for the cure, which caused the pain in the first place. This is why, if you are addicted, you cannot quit by yourself.

Believe me, I tried. And failed. Many times.

It was as easy as changing my mind. That’s what addiction feels like.

4. Getting sober is only a beginning

If drinking has stopped working for you, then you are one of the lucky ones. You are being invited to overhaul your coping strategies. It’s time to investigate. What needs to change?

Because make no mistake: getting sober is only a beginning.

If you started drinking when you were very young, there might be decades of trauma and mistakes and self-destructive patterns to unpick.

When I say getting sober is the most powerful life hack I know, I mean it. Which other life hacks save lives?

At best problem drinking allows you to tolerate situations which you would not otherwise be able to tolerate. At worst, it alienates you from everyone who’s ever loved you.

After you get sober, you have no choice but to build a life that you can stand. You have to learn to thrive without your numbing agent.

This is a wonderful and difficult process. Naturally, it takes time. More time than you might like.

Sometimes I feel I straddle the territory between the sober curious and the alcoholics. I veer between thinking I never had much of a problem to thinking another year of drinking would have killed me.

Do you know what I never think? I miss my drinking life.

5. Alcohol was never my problem

For most of us, alcohol is one part of a lifestyle and world view that isn’t serving us or our community.

Alcohol was an issue for me, sure, but so was my mental health. So were my relationships. So was my self-esteem.

I drank the way I did because my whole belief system was fucked up. My brain and heart needed an overhaul. 360° power hose situation. Full recalibration required.

After you remove alcohol, you get the chance to work on all the reasons why you drank so much in the first place. It is excruciating and fun. I discovered therapy, sexual dysfunction, yoga, psychological abuse, self-love, trauma bonding and gardening. All at the same time.

I told you: it’s intense.

Recovery is an ongoing process of healing, forgiveness and self-discovery. Four years in, I’m just getting started.

And that is so exciting.

If you’re struggling to quit drinking, help is available.

If you’re ready to try something different, try my alcohol experiment. Do whatever it takes to stay sober for 30 days: go to your doctor, try Smart or AA or Hip Sobriety or Soberistas.

Read beautiful hangover and tell me what you think. Listen to Recovery Elevator and SHAIR podcasts. If you think it could work, try Moderation Management.

There is a whole community of people just waiting to help you. Reach out. Something better is waiting for you.

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Chelsey Flood is the author of Infinite Sky and Nightwanderers, a lecturer in creative writing and a dedicated truth-seeker. She writes about freedom, addiction, nature and love.