4 Keys to Finding Your Squad

It’s never too late to find your people.

It can seem like a daunting effort to go out and make new friends. It’s not like it was during childhood. Back then, all you had to do was ask someone to be your friend, and it was a pretty good bet you’d be eating pudding together by recess.

Making friends as an adult lacks the simplicity and nuance childhood provided. Now, it feels like sitting down at a chessboard to make friends. My anxiety levels spike every time I know I’m going to be meeting new people, and it doesn’t matter the circumstances.

Will they like me? Will I like them? What will we discuss? I know I’m in my head too much, but when you believe first impressions are difference makers, you tend to focus on these things.

I moved around quite a bit in my early twenties and had to make new friends in every new city. College was simple enough; I made friends with people in my major and co-workers at the various jobs I picked up throughout my Orlando stay.

In New York City, I didn’t focus too much on the task and let people meander into my life as it happened. My inactivity led to me making friends with people I would’ve never sought out on my own, and it didn’t always work out in my best interest.

Moving to Los Angeles was tough. There are so many people, most things of interest aren’t near each other or close to where you live. I had no idea where my people were when I got to this city.

I had a classmate who’d go to these friend meetups all over LA. She, unlike me at the time, was active in her search for new friends. She frequented various meetups until she had a solid friend group outside of school.

I wish I could say I was as diligent as my classmate, but I didn’t put this kind of effort forward until well after I completed graduate school.

However, when the time came, I set out to find a group of friends of my own making. I wanted the ultimate squad to cover all my interests.

This endeavor sent me on motorcycle rides across California, had me trekking across downtown LA on photo walks, and skinning my knees and elbows on basketball courts in the valley.

I’m thrilled to report my efforts weren’t in vain. I’ve made wonderful friends from all walks of life and have adventures to reflect on for years to come.

Making friends is a bit more work as an adult, but it’s worth it. Life is hard enough as it is. Going through it with friends eases the burden.

In, Loneliness isn’t inevitable — a guide to making new friends as an adult, writer Amy Sedghi states, “You might not gain a new best friend, but finding friends for different interests in your life, at different stages, can be a positive.”

Taking the initiative to make new friends and has added large amounts of value to my quality of life, and it’s why I encourage others to do the same.

Here are four keys to success I discovered when assembling my squad:

1. Be open

You have to get out of your head when you’re meeting new people. Going into engagements with preconceived ideas of who others are or what they’ll think of you will throw you off balance.

I bought my first motorcycle eight years ago because I wanted to navigate the city faster and not worry about parking.

The biggest friendship hack I’ve discovered is owning a motorcycle. It doesn’t matter what type of bike you ride either. If two motorcyclists pull up next to each other, there’s going to be a shared nod, and the possibility of conversation is high.

There’s often a stigma associated with bikers, but don’t believe everything you hear. I have a full spectrum of friends who ride motorcycles. Lawyers, teachers, film industry professionals, etc., it doesn’t matter the profession motorcyclists love to ride.

I’ve been on some fantastic trips with the most oddball collection of riders, and the conversations at rest stops are always the most eclectic and random.

I often laugh inside when people take a look at my motorcycle group in restaurants. I’m telling you, we don’t make sense on paper, but this doesn’t stop us from being friends.

One of my closest friends is a Turkish man, ten years my senior, a former national fencing champion in his home country, with long hair and a beard. He pulled up next to me outside my job on his beloved vintage 1980 Yamaha XS 650 and starting talking to me about my motorcycle. At the end of our chat, he invited me on a group ride up to Mount Baldy.

Knowing how rich the motorcycle community is and having benefited from being apart of it has taught me to keep an open mind when meeting new people.

I would’ve missed out on many great times if I’d had a closed mind and allowed myself to make snapshot judgments on others.

2. Don’t Self Sabotage

I used to see posts on Instagram for photo meetups all the time when I first took an interest in photography. The videos and photos shared always made it seem like these gatherings would be fun, but I held back.

I thought the other photographers would take one look at me and my cheap forty-dollar film camera and scoff at my presence.

I had no idea of the experience level, expertise, or quality of work these other photographers had, but none of these things stopped me from convincing myself I wasn’t good enough to join them on a photo walk.

I’d done myself a significant disservice. I hadn’t given myself a chance to thrive. Instead, I waited until I thought I was better and then went out to a photo meetup.

The event was a photo walk starting at the Staples Center and ending in the Arts District at a pub. The organizers didn’t care which route you took to get there, so the journey was up to us.

As I looked around that day, I noticed many digital cameras, but not film cameras. So, I stood off to the side and waited for the walk to begin, contemplating if I should leave altogether.

Photographers are the most socially awkward bunch I’ve ever encountered. I don’t know why this is the case, but after a few awkward stares and people pointing at my camera, I was sure I’d ditch this walk after it got started.

However, a tall Ukrainian man approached me as I was inching towards the group’s perimeter, holding a vintage film camera of his own. We started talking about all things film photography, and haven’t stopped to this day.

That day I made one friend out of many, and months later we hosted our own film photography photo walk and created a new tribe. We even have the cheesy group name to go with it, Analog Walkers.

3. Follow Your Bliss

“If you do follow your bliss, you put yourself on a kind of track that has been there all the while waiting for you, and the life you ought to be living is the one you are living.” — Joseph Campbell.

I grew up playing basketball with the passion of a future hall of fame inductee, or at least I thought I did.

Nevertheless, my professional aspirations faded when I realized no one in the WNBA stood at under five feet five inches tall. So, I redirected my energies elsewhere after high school, but my love of the game never died.

I found myself wanting to get back on the court in my twenties, so I looked into women’s recreation leagues nearby.

After paying a registration fee, choosing my competition level, and signing a waiver, I was all set to hoop again.

To say I was ambitious would be a colossal understatement. Basketball is not like riding a bike; if you don’t play for long periods, you lose many skills. My teammates were patient with me as I worked myself back into shape. And we grew tight as we struggled to get wins the first season.

It became clear right away my team was not a contender, but we all kept showing up because we enjoyed the laughs and competing with each other.

Basketball was also the only activity I was involved in that was female dominant. It allowed me to get a healthy dose of girl power every week, and I needed it, considering I’m often the lone woman during my other activities.

While making friends with guys is easy for me, I’ve always found making friends with women to be a bit trickier. I think we’re naturally more cautious and don’t like to throw off our equilibrium too much.

However, because my teammates all loved to play basketball, joining together and creating lasting connections was easier.

4. Share

In all my experiences, sharing has been the most vital component to creating lasting friendships. You can share in a manner of ways, but my favorites include meals, stories, and wisdom.

I’ve had some of the best conversations over meals with friends. Whether it’s a dinner party, brunch, or Korean barbecue, food is the undisputed unifying champion, in my opinion. Good food and good conversation are the makings of solid friendships.

During these meals, people tend to relax and share stories. I love first-hand account stories, and it doesn’t matter the genre. Be it a tear-jerker or a comedic retelling of an event; people tend to engage during these tales. Afterward, you feel a closer connection to your comrades.

I also enjoy sharing and receiving bits of wisdom from my friends. Everyone brings different experiences and lessons into friendships. If we’re able to learn from each other, then hopefully, we can avoid the pitfalls we’ve been warned against when we encounter them.

I’ve taken an array of knowledge from my friends throughout the years. Be it simple or complex. It doesn’t matter to me. When friends share their experiences or meals with me, their words and time are valuable, and I listen.

In her article, The Value of Friendship, psychologist Shirley Vandersteen says, “…build your friendships slowly and have more than one friend. One person cannot be everything to you even though you may have one ‘best’ friend.”

As you can see, my squad consists of an assortment of individuals. It has to because I’m a multifaceted person just like you. Who we surround ourselves with is more than a reflection of ourselves. It’s a critical factor in influencing and enhancing our quality of life.

When assembling your squad, be true to yourself, be open, get out of your head, follow your passions, and invest in your friendships.

You’re never too old to make new friends and establishing meaningful connections is always of value.